I might have chosen someplace other than Disney, then. Or accepted the help of a Disney expert, to make it easy.
I can foresee kids upset that you want to hang out at a pool while they want to go on Disney rides, like they were promised. And kids cranky at long waits in lines.
Although, if they are young enough, just walking around the park and watching the parade and fireworks might work well. And my little kids really enjoyed “it’s a small world”, which has massive thruput and short lines.
Switching back to the larger issue of SIL & the ~camping trip …
The only solutions for people who happily run roughshod over your interests is fight back, shun them, or suffer from their maltreatment of you. Doesn’t matter whether their motivations are malicious, clueless, or just wacky. The problem is they won’t conform even a smidgen to your desires until / unless it is absolutely demanded of them at what they see as great cost (and offense) to themselves.
So now you get to pick: Fight back continuously, shun, or give in & let them rule your vacation. Unfortunately they and their one-way ways set the arena. Your job is just to pick your least bad choice inside their arena. Obviously the more you and your wife are on the same page the easier it will be for you to choose your path.
For me, fighting an obsessive is a mug’s game. They love that shit, you (me really) hate it. Even if I win the practical outcome, they’ve won by wrecking my mood. And you (me really) giving in is out of the question; I won’t do that to myself. Neither should you. So shun it is. Silence is better than lying, but our vacation plans are none of your business. Not just this time, but every time.
Life is much less stressful when you eliminate the stressors. Sounds tautological, but the truth is most people’s life stress comes from other difficult people they should remove from their lives, but somehow cannot bring themselves to do so. Ceding control of significant hunks of your life to the largest jerks you know is hardly wise self-management.
Never wrestle with a pig. You both get filthy, and the pig enjoys it.
I’m not sure where I wrote that I intended to sit on a bench or by a pool, insisting my grandkids line up right next to me, when they wanted to ride rides instead. If someone wants to stand in a line or do some activity that I do not care to do, I should not be able to say, “I’ll sit this one out. Text me when yo are heading to the next thing.”? Conversely, assuming there is something that really catches my attention - maybe some street music or something, should I insist that everyone else participate as I wish to?
In my experience, it does not require the constant effort of 4 capable adults to attend to 2 kids whose ages total 15. Instead, IME, it is far preferable for the adults to “tag team” it - taking breaks and/or pursuing their own interests at different times. But that doesn’t mean adding 2 more adults - no matter how experienced, enthusiastic, and opinionated - will necessarily enhance the experience. And I cannot overstate - my son and DIL have experience as adults who have chosen to not have kids, who have repeatedly expressed their limited tolerance for kids, and who are at a pretty extreme end WRT their preferences for various Disney/fantasy/etc. It is not clear to me that input from those people will be terribly salient to enhancing the experience of 2 little girls.
Also, when we took our kids (some time ago) I was stricken by how much downtime my kids wanted, mostly just hanging at the unexceptional pool at our offsite hotel. At the time, it took me a few moments to get over thinking, “We have to get the most value out of these tickets!” These 2 grandkids are complete fish. And the Disney pools look really cool. Just saying, if at anytime either/both kids want to hang at our resort’s pool - or take the monorail to explore other pools, I’ll happily volunteer for that duty, while others enjoy the “magic” in the parks.
We reserved rooms in the resort within walking distance of the Magic Kingdom - the grandkids’ biggest interest - with the monorail running right through it. We got rooms with a view of the fireworks, so the kids can watch them in their PJs if they wish. With the amount we are spending, we are not trying to save a couple hundred here or there to bring this in under some budget. And the Disney folk are very happy to offer all manner of “upgrades” - whether fastpasses, character experiences, whatever.
I have no personal preference. As I’ve made clear, if it were not for my grandkids, there is no way I would be going to Disney. But I’m happy to help create memories for them, and have no intention of that memory being, “Grandpa was such a wet blanket!” We even thought of paying their way and not accompanying them. But I am very confident that my very capable wife and daughter will be able to spend large amounts of $ to make this the vacation their kids will be most likely to enjoy.
The one thing we are NOT paying for is their food. To put it mildly, the kids are somewhat picky eaters. Their parents can best decide on a day-to-day, meal-to-meal basis what the kids want best. I’m not going to pay Disney prices up front for meal plans that will largely go uneaten. I would wager they will have a significant food delivery to their hotel room and eat a lot there.
I may have misunderstood you. I keep reading about your wanting quiet downtime, but i may be confusing the two trips. And I’m happy to hear that the parents will be catering to the kids when you want downtime.
Anyway, i have no advice on the SIL in Door county. That’s completely outside my experience. Hopefully, you manage to keep them at arm’s length.
I agree that your son’s behavior is fairly reasonable, while your SIL’s is way out of line. But she’s your sister in law so that means it’s really your wife’s problem to deal with. If she really can’t bring herself to tell her sister no, I don’t see any alternative other than to either deal with it or potentially start a quarrel with your wife, which might last longer than the vacation itself.
I was wondering about that. The who point of a Disney vacation is to make it really fun and if the other adults along aren’t interested in kids then it defeats the purpose.
“NO” is a complete sentence.
Are you sure your wife doesn’t want your sister there? I’m not sure why else she wouldn’t just tell her. I guess some people are very non-confrontational. But with family I’m pretty no-holds barred about that stuff. You’re supposed to be safe enough with family that you can say the truth. That’s my opinion.
I’m sure. Dtr and hubby as well. But there is a history of - shall we say drama - within her family, and this sister is pretty much her only family left. SIL and hubby have their issues - as do we. But they are not horrendous such that we wish to cut off all future contact. At the very least, we enjoy having the option of at least an occasional holiday or cookout w/ SIL and her husband.
I guess neither of us feel we really have any right to tell anyone that they cannot book a room in the same resort as us. My wife has been very clear that our focus will be on our dtr’s family. SIL does not get the hint. Wife feels if she were more blatant than she has been, it would likely cause a more permanent rift. We and our kids’ family are plainly on the same page. We are going to make ZERO effort to coordinate with/ SIL, but if we happen to be doing the same thing at the same time, we will interact pleasantly. Seeing SIL on the beach occasionally will not be a horrific thing. And we can always just take a walk down the beach, go to the room to nap, go in the lake or to the pool with the kids, …. We anticipate she is the sort who will be asking about plans, sending repeated texts - that sort of thing. Hopefully the mildest of irritants. Will just require a degree of intentional ignoring.
Yeah, I think you’ve got a pretty good plan there. Texts are pretty easy to ignore. Sometimes the best you can do is just communicate your limits and stick with them and then just let her reaction be her own problem.
I agree, based on all you have said I think what you are doing is probably the best option.
And next time, if “no, thank you” is too difficult or would create a problem, the answer is, “We’re not quite sure yet.” Followed by a “last-minute booking!”
She is the kind of person who has MAJOR FOMO. If we are at a cookout and she goes into the house, when she comes back outside she’ll ask, “What were you talking about.” Combined with her being hard of hearing - if she does not hear a remark, she’ll want it repeated. We aren’t such brilliant raconteurs that someone ought to need to hang on every word.
She also is - uh - selfish. EVERY TIME we make plans with her, they end up being made in a way that most meets her wishes. If you make plans, she feels free to change them at any point up until the moment of the activity, even if just because something she wants to do more comes up, or because she planned other things to conflict. She very consistently values her fiends over her sister. And she tends towards scorekeeping and rewriting history. That kinda thing. Not a horrible human being, not someone we want to cut off entirely, but not the sorta person we want along for a relaxing vacation.
This is the kinda place where to guarantee dates, you are best reserving a year in advance. Especially when reserving multiple rooms. SIL booked after us. There were some openings, of which she chose the one that corresponded with our plans. We get the impression that she believes we ought to view her joining us as favorable. Because, of course, she is wonderful and enhances any situation! 
Yet you need not cop to having already made your reservations. “Got lucky!” “Forgot we’d booked it so far in advance!” Or save this strategy for vacations that plausibly don’t require such lead time.
My suggestion is for “no, thank you” or “this is a time for just our immediate family” or “we’d love to do something with you, but not this.” People aren’t mind readers. If you don’t tell them explicitly, they won’t know. If they don’t pick up subtle hints, you may need to be more forceful. If you’re afraid that will damage the relationship, you’ve agreed to emotional blackmail. If you’d rather maintain the relationship than meet your own preferences, that’s a choice you can make.
Well, that’s just terrible!
There’s your mistake right at the end there.
She is exactly the sort of person who improves your, your wife’s, and your downline’s life by eliminating. Not by retaining.
You & wife need to be your own people. Who aren’t me. But from your description they’d have been written out of my life 40 years ago. With only happiness to replace the aggravation-shaped hole their miserable selfish presence represented.
I can’t decide if this is a typo or not.
You might be right. If I may ask, how much family do you keep in touch with? How many live nearby?
I suspect I may have used mildly extreme - but not inaccurate - language to describe her tendencies. But moreso, she and her husband are local and are pretty much the only family my wife keeps in touch with. Much of the rest of her family were outright vile - mom drunk, dad bigamist, other sister liar/thief. This SIL’s shortcomings pale in comparison. She’s not racist, MAGA, etc. We’ve been able to deal with her personality/behavior by adjusting our expectations. Even this instance is just an extreme example of SIL being self-centered.
I guess in our 60s we are not overly eager to simply cut out of our lives someone this closely related to us. Would most folk readily end relations with a sibling over such attributes?
I have rather little living family. And none within 1000 miles. Not by any active desire to avoid anyone, but simply by the actions of each of us pursuing our careers wherever they took us. The idea of “be close to family” is simply not an idea that resonates with any of us, so it doesn’t get factored into the decision-making matrix.
One of my bros married somebody like the limit case psycho of your much milder SIL. Her psycho behavior (diagnosed BPD specifically) has systematically isolated him from what little family he has. Frankly, your story of your situation was a bit triggering for me and my responses to you are probably over-the-top for you/SIL while they’re quite restrained compared to dealing with my SIL. Who, thank goodness, I have not seen or heard from since ~2004.
Good luck to you all on this vacation; however you choose to deal with it/her.