Well my post count is pretty low, but I’ve been lurking for quite a while. And my question is the first I’ve posted of a very serious nature, so here goes.
I have a friend who is very obese. He weighs in around 200 Kilo’s or around 440 pounds. He is actually my good friends son who must be somewhere in his late 20’s.
My buddy came up to me recenlty and was asking me how he should approach his son with this dilema. His son is clearly morbidly obese and he smokes and drinks. Not heavily anymore but he was once out of control with that kind of thing.
His eating habits are of course horrible. He has no real knowledge of eating right and pretty much lays around from when he gets home from work till he goes to bed. His friends do not help him at all and no one every says he has to do something quickly or he’s going to die at a young age.
I am as much a culprit as anyone. I take him fishing quite often in my boat and never really talk to him about it.
He is a prime candidate for an early heart attack and if he doesn’t look out he’s going to get a whole plethora of other ailments besides his obesity. Heart disease – alcoholism – poor circulation – respitory problems – enlarged heart the list goes on and on I’m sure.
The question is how to approach him with this.
He knows he is obese yet he does nothing about it. He has no girlfriend and probably won’t get one at the rate he is going. I am sure among all the other ailments he has, you can throw in some depression as well.
So besides kidnapping him, dragging him to the hospital and making him get a stomach staple, what can we as friends do for the young guy?
Anyone know anyone who has gone through this and lost weight? Any Docs out there who can suggest something?
I am not asking for a diet here. I need to knwo how to simply make the first approach.
Well, you’re asking a tough question. IANAD, by the way.
The first thing you have to know is that he probably knows how big he is. He is also probably aware that it’s not at all healthy.
You mention depression as a possibility. Well, that’s a starting point. Start helping the depression, and people normally get more energy and are more willing to do things. Also, since he’s not exercising regularly, he needs to see a doctor before anything is really started - that much weight puts a lot of stress on the heart, and smoking/drinking don’t do any additional good. A physical is essential.
I don’t know that you can confront him about it. But you could encourage better habits in a subtle way. If you go out with him, walk if it’s not far. If you drive, park as far away as possible. It’s not a lot, but it’s a beginning.
If you’re cooking for him (whether or not others are there), cook healthy foods, and don’t cook way too much - that’s an invitation for everyone to overeat, and assuming he’s a nice guy and has manners, he’s not going to take so much that someone goes without.
I just realized that your friend has asked you this question regarding his son. Does his son still live with him, or is he out on his own? That makes a difference in how easily your friend can influence him. Nagging him about his weight is not an answer - it will make him feel worse than he already does. Encourage a doctor visit, even a psychologist/psychiatrist, especially with the suspicion of depression.
I think that’s all I can say about it. It’s a tough situation. Best of luck.
I am not a mean person, but I recognize when life is mean and I respond viciously to survive. Your friend does not have this drive. He is commiting suicide via the short-term happiness of food; drinking and drugging are secondary destructive pleasures. A man who is 440 pounds is not fat, any more than someone who drinks 2 quarts of aviation fuel a day is an alcholic.
He is destroying himself. Do you think he will listen to you? He clearly has never listened to anyone; his father failed him. It is laughable that his father asks for help now. Thanks, pops! To little, too late.
I don’t see much hope that he’ll live past 30. You might ask him how HE feels; maybe he’ll open up about it. You might get him a therapist – in fact, I strongly recommend it.
If you feel that’s insufficient, I am out of options. We each choose our own path – someone that out of control will not be dissuaded by suggestions of bariatric surgery. The will has to come from within.
If you want to hammer away, you could ask him why he’s commiting suicide by food. Find out if he wants to live. Find the tape of the 400 pound guy who had to be extracted from his apartment with a crane. Ask him where he wants to be in ten years.
Counseling, counseling, counseling. That’s my best advice. For all of the above, if you don’t know what the hell you’re doing, don’t do it; get a trained professional, your friend is probably suicidal and you’d hate yourself if you did the wrong thing.
I’ll be watching this thread with great interest, as I have a friend in a similar situation (minus the smoking and drinking, but with the added issue of severe rheumatoid arthritis). The arthritis limits her mobility and causes pain, but hen it all becomes a vicious cycle of not exercising because it’s hard, being sedentary, eating crap out of depression and self-gratification, and gaining wait, which exacerbates the arthritis/joint issues.
Things came to a head for her a couple of years ago, when she fell and broke a couple of vertebrae and was completely immobilized for a while. (The arthritis drugs had damaged her bones, among other things.) We are all at wits’ end; she lives at home with her parents (she is around 30), who try to cheer her up by baking for her and bringing home fast food. After her back surgery, she spent several weeks in inpatient rehab, where they tried to teach her to eat properly; alas, it didn’t stick.
I’m no health professional, but she is a classic textbook depression case. She has convinced herself that she will never have a boyfirend, get married, and have a family, and is heading toward resigning herself to living the rest of her life with her parents. Is there anything we, her friends, can do to spur her to action?
Well ** AceOSpades** that was pretty brash, but I must say very true. And the truth does sometimes hurt.
I also must say by the amount of views and the lack of posts to this thread, people are not so inclined to have an opinion for someone who is obviously killing themselves with something that is not a drug.
This is a chilling insight for the character of this small cross section of society. Having a discussion about this with my friend last night, he is wrought with pain as he does not think there is anything he can do. Legally there isn’t, but morally, he will have to ask his son to live with him again and possibly pay for treatment. This is likely not going to happen because his son is very independant and likes living alone.
It wreaks havoc on the nerves knowing someone you care about is slowly killing themselves. I just found out last night he lost his job and is forced to collect unemployment. Which as we all know is simply a means for him to sit on his ass all day and eat and make the situation even worse.
It pains me further to think that I might have to sit down with this young chap and realy lay it out to him.
How would anyone feel being sat down by someone you care about and asked to please stop killing yourself?
Aside from my sit down with him in the future, I’d say getting help via a therapist would be the best thing for him. Why do those who get that large not get help? It baffles the mind.
The alcoholic analogy may be the most apt. Alcoholics will not get help in addressing their problem until they are ready to do so. They may never be ready.
Your job as a friend is to support your friend, but not at the cost of your own self-interest. Do what you can reasonably do, but realize that it is his life to live as he sees fit, and that his problems are not your problems to solve.
Is there an Overeaters Anonymous or a Food Addicts Anonymous in your area? If so, suggest it to your friend. If he’s not interested, go to a meeting yourself and then volunteer to go with him.
Please treat your friend with concern rather than censure. He’s very aware that he has a serious problem, and he’s miserable and afraid.
Your friend faces staggering odds if he even wanted and desired change on his own. Lacking that, his chance of succes hovers near zero.
Even if he wanted and had good intentions, he would hardly stand a snowball’s chance in hell. That’s reality.
Now, what would it take to become an exception to the rule of failure?
Well, I have a friend who is 5’ 9" tall and 310 pounds (35 y/o). I know him my wholie life, and he wasn’t offended when I brought it up. With a few of my other friends, we were talking about weight and food and I just said, “Ron, you’re unhealthy…and you have friends and family that are starting to worry. People worry, so you can’t blame them for that. You have to do something”.
At the most, it really made him feel ok to say, “I am considering Weight Watchers ™ …”
Baby steps. Of course, offer to help.
Again, odds are nothing will change. So, set your expectations accordingly and don’t get confrontational.
How about recommending the Atkins diet to him? You can eat all you want, provided you restrict your diet to specific foods. (I loved being able to eat bacon nonstop, and I slimmed myself down to 195.) My self-esteem has gone through the roof since doing it, too.
That’s only a partial answer, of course–I realize your friend’s problem is largely psychological/emotional.
Weight Watchers is cool. No really, its like a strategy game with built in cheats.
Philster (and anyone else thinking about WW) get someone who knows the system and can give you the cheats. You can eat anything you want but somethings are cheaper than others for unknown reasons. Find the ways to work the system and it can be a lot of fun.
Do you really think your friend doesn’t know he’s killing himself? The will to change has to come from within; you can’t nag someone into ending their self-destructive behavior. Believe me, the guy KNOWS he’s overweight; I’m not sure how you think that pointing out the obvious to him is going to help. Be supportive, but don’t preach to the guy.
Well, let’s see. You are embarrassed to talk about it. You tell yourself this is the last binge and tomorrow will be different. You are convinced nothing can help you. You tell yourself this is the last binge and tomorrow will be different. Every day you have tried to change and couldn’t; why should the next day be any better. You tell yourself some people are just fat and you should be accepted for who you are. You tell yourself this is the last binge and tomorrow will be different. You tell yourself that it’s OK because food is the thing you happen to enjoy the most (other people have other favorite things) and the short-term enjoyment is worth the extra weight. You tell yourself this is the last binge and tomorrow will be different. You put on pounds to become more unattractive so you can avoid intimacy. You aren’t worth anything anyway, so why not become unattractive in others’ eyes and prove it. You tell yourself this is the last binge and tomorrow will be different. You eat a lot when others aren’t looking and eventually avoid others in order to be alone with the food. You tell yourself this is the last binge and tomorrow will be different…ad nauseum, sometimes literally.
I only got help after I recognized the issue; others mentioning it to me only made me feel sad, threatened and defensive. But I’m not saying don’t try; the message may tip the scales (so to speak) in his own thought process.
Coda – Issues of depression and low self-esteem can take many forms. My mom used to work with a group called SAFE (Self-Abuse Finally Ends). This may not be the case of your friend’s son, however. The SAFE group was a group councelling session, and two of members were grossly obese (their form of self-abuse).
One died from health complications due to her weight (her thigh was as big around as my torso) she was early 30s and died from heart failure – an organ that’s about the size of your fist just can’t pump blood to a body that big.
The other obese SAFE group member is living a healthier lifestyle, IIRC is also on anti-depressants and generally has a healthier outlook on life, which has resulted in some weight loss, but most importantly a lifestyle change.
You might be able to approach it from a “you don’t seem really happy” point of view. That way instead of implying “you’re fat and need help” you can suggest that he could use counselling to feel better about himself in general – from there hopefully he can be directed to a kind of progam that addresses the emotional issues that are manifesting themselves as bad, bad physical habits. (A good counselor can address the issue much more honestly and diplomatically because they have that clinical distance.)
If it were someone I knew very well, I would discuss the issue with him on the rise but before it got too out of hand.
Your situation is very difficult. This guy is the son of your friend. How much influence can you reasonably exert on this guy? Perhaps someone else is in a better position to influence him.
You really cannot stop someone from killing himself in this manner. You can try to help him to see the value in modifying his behavior, but if he doesn’t want to drink the water, he’s not going to drink the water.
There is a group for family and friends of compulsive overeaters. Contact information can be found at this site.
You may not be able to do anything about your friend’s problem, but you can take care of yourself. The self-destructive have a tendency to suck those around them into their problems. Taking care of yourself can help to keep that from happening.