How to tell when you’ve cut a winning fart:
Your dog faints and all the others in the neighborhood start howling.
Your thong bikini twangs like a bowstring.
Your coworkers in surrounding cubicles suddenly all take their break at the same time.
The fraternity brother who was trying to light you off ends up with flash burns.
Your cat abandons the fresh laundry pile, runs past the full food dish and claws at the door.
Your new boyfriend actually notices.
The windows inside your car fog up all at once.
That wedgie you had a minute ago is no longer a problem.
Everyone at the rock concert starts staring in your direction.
Pedaling uphill suddenly becomes easier.
The bubbles don’t pop when they get to the surface.
The homeless guy on the subway complains.
The cop stops writing your speeding ticket and lets you go.
All your cellmates get jealous.
Your time release deodorant suddenly kicks in all at once.
Your new perm relaxes.
You find your underwear stuffed into one of the socks you’re wearing.
Your car pool asks to be let out so that they can ride the bus.
Your scuba weight belt stops working.
The people with you at the garlic festival are offended.
The guy in the tollbooth makes you throw your money to him.
The rest of the guys around the campfire all start applauding.
The guy who just stepped on a duck still looks over at you.
I defer to Poohpah Chalupa.
With a name like that he’s gotta be an authority on farts.
Silent but deadly… those are the best!
I believe you guys have covered them all!
I laffed so hard it hurt. Thank you. More please.
SO and I were at the Ren Faire yesterday. We were waiting on line at the drink booth when SO let go of an SBD (thankfully, I was upwind of him - I only knew he did it because he got that funny “I just laid a good one” grin of his). Five seconds later a little kid yelled, “Mom, what is that awful smell? It’s disgusting!” Mom replied that it must have been the horses. He and I both managed to control ourselves until we got away from the booth. I don’t think I’ve laughed that hard in a long time.
Back when I was in college, I once spent a night draped over some furniture with various other survivors of a party. That morning I stumbled to the bathroom to pee, and while doing so let out the Mother Of All Farts–it lasted a good 10 seconds, and varied in pitch. It was fortunately not a stinky stinker, or the whole apartment would have become uninhabitable. To this day I have no idea what would have caused it, unless maybe all the beer I’d drank that night saved up the gas for one big blow.
I found out how thin the walls were when I exited the bathroom and found one of my disreputable friends looking at me with awe on his face. “My God, you farted the *Star Spangled Banner!”*he exclaimed–an exageration, but he was hung over so I didn’t argue the point. For the next several years he had a tendency to bring this up, sometimes in front of complete strangers: "This guy can fart the Star Spangled Banner!" It’s one of those things that make some people look at you strangely. (I don’t know why they didn’t look at himstrangely–he’s the one who said it.)
LMAO. Thanks for the laughs everybody. I needed that. I know there must be some great fart stories from my past, but for the life of me, I can’t remember them at the moment. Hmmm…perhaps a new thread to be started today.
Oh, so it’s fart stories this thread has turned into. Ok, I got one.
A few years ago I was hanging out with my roommate/best friend and his girl friend. We ate some greasy burgers, had some beer and quite possibly smoked a little of the weed. After a few hours my roommate started groaning and holding his stomach. He was in agony. I had had appendicitis before so I was trying to play diagnostician. It sounded just like appendicitis - a low pain in his abdomen and it hurt if he tried to move. I told him if the pain didn’t subside I was going to bring him to the hospital.
He goes to lay down on a couch and his girlfriend and I sit on the other side of the room talking in hushed tones about the dangers of peritonitis. We were really worried for him.
About a half-hour later, out of the silence . . .
BBBBRRRRRAAAAAPPPPPP!!! - A solid 10 second duration fart.
Followed by, “Ah, that feels better.”
His girlfriend and I literally hit the floor laughing, one of those completely debilitating laugh fits that actually hurt. If we get together to this day, that story always gets us giggling hysterically.
I believe it is easy enough to tell when you’ve cut a winner if your drinking buddy exclaims that you just ripped The Star Spangled Banner (MysterEcks), laughing hysterically is another to way to detect a winner (Jack Batty). As long as the stories have these sort of punch lines, keep 'em coming.
PS: Please enter your vote on which of the original 25 (thanks Poopachalupa for your two scents) were the funniest.
And I should know. Why do you think they call me silent_rob?
This wasn’t a winner, but it was embarassing.
I was about 12 years old, camping with some family and friends. We had met an “older woman” (14 y/o girl) whom I had fallen desperately in…lust…with. I trieed my best to impress her and everything was going well. Like the moron I am, I started to relax around her. That night, as we were telling stories and jokes around the campfire, I told a joke that I thought was some funny shit. I laughed and laughed and laughed so hard that I fell back in my camp chair and landed flat on my back.
With a humungous pppphhhbbbbbrrrttttt!!!
OMG, it was so embarassing! I ran away, red faced and crying. Everyone was cracking up, maybe 10 people or so. Well, no one made fun of me that trip, but I knew they were all thinking of my raunchy fart at the campfire. To this day, I will “percolate” for hours before trying to sneak one out. Luckily, psy is prety good about that sort of thing. She just changes the topic suddenly and I know she knows.
My three favorites, in reverse odor (heh):
Bronze Medal: #20–The people with you at the garlic festival are offended. (Zenster)
Silver Medal: #28–Your pants size goes from 34 to 30. (Revtim)
Gold Medal: #29–You’re wearing nylons and the ankles suddenly swell. (MaryAnnQ)
And no one has mentioned that TV ad? For the blind date? Where the guy greets her at her door, he puts her in the car and then runs around to the driver’s side to get in. She takes the moment of soundproof privacy, while he’s running around the car, to lift one cheek and blast one out. Then he gets in the car, turns to her, and says, “So, have you guys met?” and gestures to the back seat, where there is another couple that the camera suddenly allows you to see.
Damn, that commercial makes me laugh and laugh.
How about when you friends are in the car, it’s freezing, and they still roll the windows down?
Happened to a friend of mine.
He also managed to get his dog to leave the room once.
Did I mention that he’s single?
I’m sorry guys (m/f), but that just doesn’t cut it. My sister wins big time when it comes to cutting an A-1 fart.
This must have been about three years ago, when she and her SO had been living together for six years or so. In those six years he had grown accustomed to her habit of letting them rip wherever and whenever she felt the urge (in line at the cash register, McDonald’s, over dinner, you name it), but this one time, at home in bed in the morning, she produced the mother of all farts. Apparently this one was so disgusting that he actually had to vomit.
That’s right boys & girls: a quantifiable physical response. She squeezed; he hurled.
To this day, recounting the story to him still makes him retch. (And yes, they’re still together. Something to do with a masochist streak in his family.)