I’m a single straight male, 45 years old. I have been involved in swinging off and on for around fifteen years. Although I have had a few girlfriends whom I swung with, most of the time, I have swung as a single male, with couples.
So I can attest that there are swinging couples out there.
What per cent of the population, I don’t know. But suffice it to say that people in this lifestyle don’t make a habit of advertising their involvement, precisely because ‘civilians’ are so creeped out by it.
For the most part, the couples I have encountered have been well-adjusted people with strong marriages, mostly upper-middle class and above. If they expressed any political affiliation, more often than not it was Republican.
My wife and I have participated in swinging for the past three years or so. We have been with couples, single women and single men.
There are two things necessary to be able to swing. First, both partners need to view the sex as recreation. All emotional drama and jealousy must be removed.
Second, and related to the first, the partners must have a strong relationship.
It’s kind of amusing to see men who really want to participate, but can’t bring themselves to “let” their SO’s be touched by someone else.
Is swinging (I hate that term; it sounds so dated) something couples in my age bracket do? I’m in my early thirties. None of the couples that I know swing. At least none that I know of.
In my experience, the average age of couples was distributed roughly like a bell curve, with the average in the late thirties. So there were plenty of couples in their early thirties.
And as I said, most never let non-swingers know that they’re involved.
[QUOTE=Avarie537]
Hubby and I know two married swinger couples. We’ve been to swinger clubs twice - we did not engage in swinging sex, but we went. /QUOTE]
I wouldn’t call it common, but it’s out there if you’re interested and know where to look. My wife and I have done some “soft swing” and enjoyed it. The socials we’ve attended have had a wide range of ages, but nearly all of the people were college graduates and professionals. Just like nearly any social circle, people tend to congregate with people like themselves, so I’m sure there’s a niche for just about anyone.
Even though we don’t share each other with other people, the atmosphere at events is fairly crackling with sexual energy. There’s lots of flirting, dancing, etc. It is just a sexually charged scene and it is a lot of fun provided that everyone respects boundaries (which has never been a problem - if you create a scene you can be sure you won’t get invited back).
Of our married friends, two other couples are ‘swingers’. Though, truthfully they lean more towards being ‘open’ marriages as the two couples mainly play with each other. They asked us to join in when they learned we were experimenting along these lines, but we went the more traditional route - parties and the like.
The parties were fun.
We were surprised at the people we met at parties - all ages - all types! It was a chance to dress in sexy clothing and flirt.
So, to answer the question we have about ten close couple friend, three (including ourselves) out of the ten have experimented in some way.
Back in the 70s, my parents were good friends with another couple down the block. Dinner back and forth at our respective houses, my brother was good friends with their son, I did yard work for them. Fairly good friends.
One evening my parents returned early from a dinner party at their house - very early, like 8:30pm. And never saw or spoke with the other couple again. Ever.
It was not until many years later that my mother told me that the husband had proposed a swap that evening, and that therefore my parents ended the friendship.
A few years later, when I was in college, the other couple divorced, the wife remarried and moved to Florida with her second husband, and was shot to death by her step son in a disagreement over cocaine.
FWIW. This is the only contact I have ever had with swinging or the equivalent.
Neighbors of ours whom we never suspected of swinging…
I was over there some time last year, and the wife must have been in heat. He’s at his computer, with his back turned. I’m in the middle of the room, arms by my side. We’re chatting aimlessly.
She stands at a right angle to me, then moves up to snuggle her twat up against the back of my hand.
It was as purposeful as it was blatant. Furthermore, I am certain the husband knew full well what was going on.
Sophisticate that I am, I neither shit my pants, nor wound my watch.
Just found an excuse to go home. Never mentioned it to my wife. She wouldn’t believe it anyway.
My husband has been pushing this lately and I am starting to think that I should no longer have this husband.
He has gone so far as to tell me that he would be happy to “procure” me a young man (we are in our 40’s).
Problem: I don’t want a younger REAL man (now as a fantasy, hmmm…).
This is all I know about swinging–and it is ripping our marriage apart (or more apart). This (I would imagine) has to be a MUTUAL thing for the couple, god help us all if it is not.
Eleanorigby, stick to your guns. If it does not work for both of you, it can’t work for either of you. Not a downer, just a perspective. I have never seen you mention Mr. Rigby before. But I can offer some small advice. Be true to yourself. Always. The one thing my years have given me, and they are more years than yours. Sorry for the hurt this is causing you, you are a Doper i consistantly respect. I hope this works out, I like my on line friends (aquaintances?) to be happy.
No. I don’t have one of those! The first time we went, I ended up running around in nothing but my panties most of the night. (They’re little white boy shorts, trimmed in red, with three glittery flames on the front. They say HOTTIE right across the ass in flaming letters. It was fun!) I kept my clothes on the second time around.
Maybe you’re right. Something like this should be playful and fun, and if it isn’t, it’ll never work. If he pushes you after you’ve said no, he’s deep in the wrong. Let him know in no uncertain terms.
The irony of this is that if you were both into it, it could work to strengthen your relationship by adding to the sexual enjoyment, both when you are out with others or just the two of you at home. It can certainly build new levels of trust if both partners follow the rules and guidelines they carefully establish and actively practice.
But it can also go very wrong if one or both partners don’t communicate well or one finds that they are being coerced into something they don’t want to do.
IAN an armchair psychologist, but I play one on the SDMB. To that extent, I suggest you get thee to a marriage counselor and find out what’s going wrong between you two. It’s almost certainly not the sex or his desire to swing and your resistance to the idea. I say this because I am speaking from personal experience.
Sorry to hear about this. Sounds like a huge communication/relationship issue. I second the recommendation re: counseling, though I can imagine your husband very resistant to discuss this intimate, potentially embarrassing, topic with anyone. Let me add that some people have difficulty separating fantasy from reality. Like you, he might (intensely) fantasize, but unlike you, cannot envision the damage it would likely cause to your relationship, from what you say.
My guess is that, for 80+ percent of couples, experimenting with this “recreational” lifestyle would be (choose one of more): disillusioning, jolting, disappointing, creepy, weird, icky, threatening, etc. By and large, I think men would find it more appealing than women, but this lifestyle definitely seems marginalized.