Not “I was in an accident with my car”
No - I, as in my person was hit by a car. As in, a car being driven by someone else. It was moving, I was not. Well, until I got hit. Then I became an object in motion.
I’m not hurt. Oh, a bit sore in buttocks region. Kind of a bruise on one of The Guns (upper right bicep). But fine otherwise.
It was pretty simple, he’s a big dumb chew-spitting farm boy that believes that Newton’s Laws don’t apply to his John Deere painted modified All-Wheel drive Subaru something or other.
**I kid you not. Fancy fog lights, covered with yellow fog light covers with green Deere logos, a roll bar externally mounted, and I think spray painted in Deere green with Deere yellow trim, wheel covers and such. Quite the visual treat.
**
I was loading groceries into my trunk. I intentionally parked with a couple empty spaces around me (we’ve had 8 inches of snow in the last 24 hours, parking spaces are just theoretical when you can’t see the pavement). While my head was in the trunk, situating the Peroni so it wouldn’t tip, I hear some idiot revving his engine.
I think: “oh some idiot kid racing his engine and sliding through turns because he can in the snow”
Almost all at once I hear:
- Someone yell “hey watch out!”
A) That unmistakable car on car sound.
A.1) Me yelling “ow” because I hit my head on the trunk lid standing so quickly.
Note: Amend the part where I wasn’t hurt anywhere else, my noggin has a slight lump.
I stood just in time to see John Deere’s left rear fender coming right at me.
Know those scenes in all the action movies where Our Hero sees a car coming at him, and jumps just in the nick of time, and just high enough to not get creamed but to kind of roll off the fender? I did that. Only not perfectly.
Screw that, yeah it was perfectly. I rolled on to the trunk, the car kept moving (narrowly missing mine, but wiping out what was left in my shopping cart. The store replaced the 12 pack of Guinness and other incidentals, which was way nicer than they had to be I think) I rolled off just through my own momentum and hit the ground rolling (ah, the old football instinct never leaves).
I think my arm hit the make believe spoiler as I rolled off. Believe it or not, my ass isn’t hurt from the impact or fall, but from my getting up so fast, and trying to run to the moron’s car to drag him out and kill him. In my eagerness, I slipped and landed right on me bum.
EMT’s Police, old ladies comforting me, asking if I was ok, the whole nine yards. I refused transport, promising to see a doc if I hurt tomorrow. The kid, as it turns out had a warrant for missing a couple court dates, so he got a ride away from the scene.
What happened was, as he turned into the parking aisle from the main road that runs between the store and the parking lot, he gunned the Deere Beast He started the wobble - fishtailing, I assume because just letting his foot off the gas was not allowed per Man Code. (All these tracks were fresh, plus people saw it). He whacked the back end of a car across the aisle from me, tailed back and came my way. After hitting me, he spun 180 and was facing where he came from when he stopped.
So that was my thrill for the day.
PS: NO ONE mention this to The Wife as I am afraid to tell her, because she’ll “worry”, make me go to ER, and start watching me like 5th graders watch the class hamster to see if it acts differently when you toss it over a car.
But I could use a good Bum Massage, which sucks, as my regular masseuse just went on maternity leave.