Inspired by Lute Skywatcher’s response in my earlier thread Worst Steven Segal movie?
So, if you stuck Steven Seagal into the movie of your choice, how would the plot and action change? This is too deep a question for me to immediately answer.
Not my favorite movie, but given that Seagal is now “Mr. Non-violence” I’m thinking that it’d be cool as shit (as well as the only redeeming feature of the film) to see him get his ass kicked by Ewoks in Return of the Jedi. 
If he played the Fay Wray role in King Kong that monkey would never have left the island.
What?
The question is neither complex nor difficult. Any movie you put him in would now suck.
But it might suck in different, interesting ways. I just got back from my Sunday morning breakfast group, where we discussed this, and someone suggested the movie musical Xanadu. We thought it would be interesting to see martial arts combat on roller skates set to music, with the additional benefit of having Olivia Newton John beat to a pulp.
I saw Xanadu and also the music video for Let’s Get Physical. ONJ is in way better physical condition than Mr. Seagull. Even if she never touches him, all she has to do is evade his mighty grasp for about 5 minutes. The effort of chasing her would cause his cholesterol encrusted heart to explode. That would be a good way, though, to segue into the final production number where the rest of the cast joyously roller-boogies around his corpse to the strains of ELO’s All Over The World. Heck, I can see editing in shots of people “all over the world” spontaneously dancing in the streets at the news of his demise. The more I think about this, the more it sounds like it would actually be something I’d enjoy watching.
I retract my earlier statement.
I want him to play the Wicked Witch in *The Wizard of Oz, *(but not in Wicked.)
And here I was just going to post a point that completely dispells this possibility.
The biggest problem I have always had with SS is that he NEVER gets his ass kicked. In fact, if the bad guy gets in ONE good hit on him, it’s a major big deal. As contrasted by Jackie Chan and even Chuck Norris who frequently get kicked around by others. Heck, Chuck may not lose many fights, but he at least gets beat up along the way. SS barely gets touched, he’s such a “bad ass”.
So adding SS to a movie is only possible if you can add an untouchable badass who somehow doesn’t manage to impact the plot, or whose untouchability is the key to an otherwise improbable event.
He could make Plan 9 from outer Space worse.
He could probably do Kevin Costner’s role in The Big Chill without messing it up too bad.
No ones budget can handle the catering problem.
Raiders of the Lost Ark: Sensei Indiana Jones (Steven Seagal), univeristy professor and martial arts expert, is approached by U.S. government to (1) get lost ark of the covenant, and (2) kill son of Hitler, Olympic fencing champion and katate expert. Ark is retrieved in first five minutes of the film. Remainder of the film consists of unlikely explosions and Nazi machine-gun disarms and wrist snaps. Son of Hitler run through with own epee after spectacular wrist snap. Rapper Humpty Hump co-stars.
Schindler’s List: German Police Detective Mike Schindler (Steven Seagal) uncovers secret death camp program. Makes “list” of inmates worthy of martial arts training and induction into his secret army. After helicopter shootout with crazed sniper Amon Göth, jumps from helicopter for protacted 20 minute one-on-one martial arts battle, which neither messes his hair nor winds him. Disarms Göth with spectacular double wrist sap and runs him through with his own sniper rifle. Rappers Salt-n-Pepa co-star.
Little Buddha: What is the sound of one wrist snapping? It’s fucking snap, that’s what it fucking is. Sensei Martin Storch (Steven Seagal) identified by Buddhist monks as reincarnation of history’s greatest ass kicker. Asked to kick Tibetan drug lord’s ass. He does. Buddhist rapper MCA co-stars.
Koyannisquatsi: baffling depiction of Steven Seagal beating people up and snapping wrists for two solid hours, for no apparent reason. Rapper Bushwick Bill of the Geto Boys co-stars.
To Kill a Mockingbird: attorney and retired special forces soldier Sensei Atticus Finch (Steven Seagal) tracked down by former teammate Captain Boo Radley, code name “Mockingbird,” who framed their commanding officer for rape in Vietnam. After spectacular 45 minute battle in chambers of the United States Supreme Court, Finch performs double wrist snap, snaps his neck, and then snaps a picture, causing his rapper co-star Flavor Flav to quip “Oh, Snap!” Police investigation concludes Radley “fell on his knife.”
We could put him in My Dinner With Andre. Course we’d probably have to change the name to Above the Fork or Hard to Chew or The Simmer Man or somethin’.
Stevel Seagal was originally cast as Luke Skywalker in “Star Wars.” As you can see from this script excerpt smuggled (at the cost of many Bothan lives) from Lucas’s Skywalker Ranch, the resulting movie would probably not have been so good:
(EXT - CITY OF MOS EISLEY)
Luke’s speeder enters Mos Eisley, a dusty town reminiscent of a Middle Eastern trading post. The speeder approaches a checkpoint where severla Imperial stormtroopers wave it down.
STORMTROOPER CAPTAIN
Halt!
The speeder halts. Troops surround it.
STORMTROOPER CAPTAIN
How long have you had these droids?
LUKE
About three or four seasons, shithead.
STORMTROOPER CAPTAIN
Let me see your identification.
BEN
(Calm, soothing voice)
You don’t need to see his identification.
STORMTROOPER CAPTAIN
Uhh… we don’t see to see his identifica…
LUKE
Fuckin’ right you don’t!
Luke jumps from the speeder and kills the stormtrooper with a flurry of punches and kicks.
C3PO
Oh, my! Master Luke!
BEN
Calm down, Luke. Use the Force…
LUKE
Fuck the Force!
With a single punch, Luke knocks C3PO’s head acroiss the street.
LUKE
Goddamn robot won’t shut up!
STORMTROOPER
Hey! Hey! Stop that or we’ll shoot!
LUKE
Asshole!
Luke picks up R2D2 and hurls him at the troopers, killing the rest of them.
LUKE
Alright’s get go find this pilot. And he’d better be good. Or I’ll slice open his goddamn throat.
It just goes downhill from there.
Casablanca: Seagal, in Bogart’s role, kills all of the Nazis as soon as they start singing “Die Wacht Am Rhein,” because he hates that song even worse than he hates Nazis. Ilsa, horrified, leaves with Laszlo and never looks back.
Steven Seagal would get the shit knocked out of him in Brokeback Mountain.
I know that if you inserted Steven Seagal into any movie he wasn’t already in I’d end up passing by while it was on TV and wonder when Jim Belushi got that role.
Steven Seagal take over the Julia Andrew’s Part in My Fair Lady and change the title to My Fair Sensei
Rex Harrison bets his crony that he can train any schlub from the street to be a martial arts expert.
Snatch Steven Seagal could be beaten to death by Bricktop and then fed to the pigs. and the crowd would cheer.
Manos: The Hand of Fate could see an action packed fight scene with Steven Seagal ( in the wrong place at the wrong time Hotel California that that place is) and fight the creepy groundskeeper.
pravnik I think you missed your calling for writing movie scripts.
For me the part I first thought of was Driving Miss Daisy as the driver. Driving through walls, over people and grabbing the son by the throat when he made requests of Segal. Of course, Miss Daisy would have to be a lot younger. And the lunch counter scene where they refuse to serve the driver, you have to know that the place would be scrap lumber at the end of the scene.
I was thinking of Mary Poppins, but Vin Dizel already did that one.