Because nobody said “yes” to my marriage offer.
“It’s a family tradition”
True enough, two uncles on Moms side never got married. One might have been a homosexual, dead now so I can’t ask.
I never needed a green card before.
I haven’t met her.
Seriously - you haven’t been married because you haven’t met your wife yet, right? Or at least you don’t know that she is your wife. Or she doesn’t know you are her husband. Or …wtf?
What a stupid question!
No shit. What is this woman expecting to hear? That you were in prison during your dating years? That you couldn’t last more than a month before getting into a knock-down, drag-out brawl with your girlfriend? It’s beyond stupid.
I usually say “Because whenever I’ve actually needed small appliances, it’s seemed easier to just buy them myself.”
I’m not sure about that. After all, someone with NO baggage is unlikely to know how to properly handle mine. I think that the real rare prize is that person whose baggage complements yours.
As my brother would say:
“Haha, I haven’t fallen into that deathtrap yet and I don’t plan to!”
“It’s hard enough taking care of myself, I don’t need a parasite sucking out any more of my life.”
That is, if you feel like being mean. 
When I was psych nursing I had a patient who was a former alcoholic. He had lost both his legs in a railway accident and had lots of associated medical problems. Being a smart guy he would fall off the wagon, get admitted to hospital, have everything fixed up (including the latest artificial legs) and disappear for a while.
He was a nice guy and we used to talk quite a bit, possibly because I didn’t baulk at letting him out of the ward for his surprisingly frequent sexual assignations. One day I asked him why he had never married since womaen thought he was hot stuff without any legs.
He showed me an old press clipping about how his fiancee had died in a car accident the day before he arrived home from military service. He said he was a drunk from that day until he woke up in hospital without his legs.
It’s a long story but if you can tell it like Ken did it’s a winner. Of course the two amputations are a hell of a price to pay but still…
Eh… maybe, and maybe not. Sometimes it’s a sign that the person is too fussy about what they want in a potential mate, and that you’ll waste time trying to fend off their trying to remake you in their favored image. (I know a guy like this at work.) I agree with DianaG, that you’re probably best off with someone whose baggage matches yours.
Personally I don’t think the question is “beyond stupid,” although the timing and context of the question makes a difference to me. On the first date, it’s silly and looks like you’re grasping for things to talk about (a bad sign in any case). After a few dates, it’s part of getting to know this person more deeply, and how can that be a bad thing?
Well, I don’t think you’ll ever get an honest answer (if we’re talking about someone who’s high maintenance, too picky, anally neat, etc.). These are things you’ll find out eventually, but probably won’t get shortcomings like that presented to you in answer form.
As someone who’s never married, I’m trying to decide whether to take offense at this or not. I’m not high maintenance, and god knows I’m not anally neat (looks around room where I’m sitting, sighs…) – “too picky” – hm, maybe. If that means not marrying whatever asshole comes along for the sake of getting married…
It wasn’t meant to be offensive. I’m just saying that most people don’t “declare” their shortcomings (as someone else might interpret them) in question/answer format – whatever they may be. Those were examples of things I wouldn’t expect someone to respond to that question with (probably because they don’t perceive those traits as barriers to getting married). You’re obviously not “too picky” for you…and you’re the only one that matters. You’re picky and you have every right to be. But someone who hears you say “I’m picky” could say to themselves, “Well, there’s nothing wrong with me, so if she doesn’t pick me, she must be too picky.” Do you see what I’m getting at?
I rather like this answer. Truthful, and it has a certain romantic appeal. “I’m deeply in love with my future wife. I can’t wait to meet her.”
Since my quote is the one that started this… let me just say that the “too picky” comment was a response to the remark that someone who had never been married, etc. should be a dream pick. All I meant was that it isn’t necessarily the case, and I agree, someone who is too picky is not likely to tell you that up front. (Although my aforementioned co-worker has actually admitted that, at the age of 50, he has given up hopes of marriage because he doesn’t think he’ll ever meet someone who meets all his criteria.)
My subsequent remark about that question not being stupid, as others have suggested, is that the response could be:
- actually, I was married for 3 months at the age of 18 but it was so long ago I don’t think of it any more
- I spent X years fighting a substance abuse problem
- I had a job that had me traveling too much to consider a long-term relationship
- I was in a long-term relationship but in the end it didn’t work out (my case, by the way)
- I had elderly parents to take care of and had no time
and any one of those things is highly relevant to me wanting to get to know someone better. If someone can’t be honest with me about those things, which are history and not a subjective matter, then I wouldn’t want to be with them. Period.
As for myself, I can’t imagine not wanting to know at least something of a person’s past - it has, after all, helped make them what they are right now. Are some of you really that incurious? Or do you think it will all just come out eventually, without asking?
[ETA – this is in response to Kalhoun]
Yeah, no prob – as I said, I wasn’t sure whether to take offense or not. 
The fact of the matter is, in our society, amongst hets, anyway, marriage is the norm (in the statistical sense), so anyone who reaches the age of 40 … or more … and has never married is something of an anomaly – and the question, whether phrased rudely or politely, will come up eventually with someone who’s thinking about getting involved with the person who’s never been married. In my case – as in most people’s cases, no doubt – there are actually a whole lot of reasons, and depending on who’s asking, and why, and how well I know the person, and how well I want to know the person, I am or am not willing to go into a fair amount of detail.
In general, though, IME, “why have you never married?” isn’t an off-the-wall or intrusive question, esp. when you’re doing the dating “thang.” It often comes up in a first meeting or a first date, along with its not unrelated pal “what are you looking for?” Since marriage per se isn’t a priority for me – and since I’ve reached the age where having kids ain’t an option – if the other person is definitely looking to get married, it’s better to find that out sooner rather than later, so we don’t waste each other’s time. He’ll be able to continue looking for someone who really, really wants to get married – and I’ll be able to continue looking for whatever the hell it is that I’m looking for.
Um. Not romantic. Kind of creepy, actually.
You said above
which leaves me wondering what the point of such a relationship would be.
Anyway, I think merrily’s answer was the best. Thing is, if you’re 45 and not married, people are going to be wondering why nobody’s grabbed you if you’re such a good deal. Have you at least lived with anyone? If not, understand that you’ll be under suspicion.
Why? Because the women you meet will have met at least a couple guys who remain unmarried at your age who had major character flaws which made them poor bets for long-term relationships and so the ladies will be wary that you’re one of them. And, frankly, if a guy gave me that ‘I’m in love with her but haven’t met her yet’ answer, I’d run for the hills. To me, that speaks of some guy who envisions some sort of princess who couldn’t possibly be real; a guy with excessive expectations and possibly a stalkerish bent. In short, definitely not marriage material.
I am a 60 year old never married heterosexual male… here is how I respond:
Questioner: " So, how come you have never married? "
My Answer: " What for ? "
Stops 'em dead every time...I think all those possibilities you listed will come out naturally in the course of a semi- to fully-serious relationship. Asking the question will put a person on the spot to reveal personal information, possibly before they’re ready. When they’re ready, it will come during the course of normal dating/romantic/getting to know you conversation.
I didn’t marry until I was 40. I didn’t marry the man I had a child with, so I’ve experienced the “why haven’t you married” question in it’s many forms. I just think it comes off as more of a resume thing. The answer, while you might be able to sort of put it into words, is more complex than that. It will be revealed and understood as you get close with someone.
I would have been okay with that as a 20-something. Now that I’m in my 40s, I’m not interested in waiting indefinitely to discover significant aspects of my date’s life, and honestly I’d find it a little weird if they showed no interest in mine. As twickster essentially said, I am old enough (and presumably the date is old enough ) to know what I want out of a relationship… no sense wasting a lot of time beating around the bush.
Now, I don’t mean that to say the first few dates should be a series of interrogations - far from it. I also don’t need an in-depth autobiographical presentation right at the start. However, if a person isn’t comfortable talking about their past at least in passing, and relatively early on, that would send up some warning flags for me. YMMV.