Hey, parenting is tough work. But the fact that you are thinking about things like this and trying to figure what is best for you is - IMO - a good sign that you are doing a good job. We’re all basically just winging it and making it up as we go along.
Did you miss this bit where I said basically that?
It’s not so much a control issue as a trust issue between the parents and the grandparents. This may well be a one off and no big deal–I hope it is. But if the OP doesn’t mention this, how do any of us know that Gramps won’t continue or even escalate this? Now that we have more info, I’d say that the OP has nothing to worry about. But I know for me, if I had witnessed that, I would immediately wonder what was going on in this house. Obviously, not everyone here would do the same. I am uncomfortable with physical punishment and did not use it with my kids. (as a kid, I was spanked with a hairbrush–I am no fan of such a deterrent). Then again, if the kid “finds discipline hilarious” something is lacking in the discipline.
Just because they are helping out doesn’t mean that anything goes at Gramp’s house. Yes, kids can and do figure out that there are different limits depending on the caregiver, but since the kid is going through a hitting phase, it’s probably best if Gramp’s respects the OP’s position.
Slight hijack but not analogous: a friend of mine’s parents used to allow her daughter to drink Hershey’s syrup right out of the bottle–because (as they patiently explained to her), otherwise the little darling cried. Just because grandparents are veteran parents doesn’t mean they have the best judgement (of course, this goes for parents, too, so such things are situational dependent). And of course, YMMV.
Plus, when you criticize the care given by family and friends, you risk them not being quite so eager to give care. There may be a time down the road where you and hubby really want to go to some adult event and need someone to watch kids and where your available circle of adults is reduced to your FIL. At which point he can say “yes, I’d love to” or he can say “gee, I think I’ll be washing my hair.”
It is quite possible that your FIL is a better person than I am, but there are some people that I will not do favors for - child watching, dog taking care of, errand running. I’m a firm believer in “you don’t like the job I do, fine, I don’t need to do you any favors.”
FWIW, my parents never hit me. When I was little, if I got out of line, they put me in a chair. I could sit there until I could explain why what I did was wrong. If I maintained a pissy attitude, I could just keep on sitting there. Once I was ready, I’d say, “Well, mom told me to go outside instead of bouncing the ball in the house” or whatever. Then I could go. And I sure as hell better bounce that ball OUTSIDE from that point forward.
It worked marvelously for me. Point being, there are ways of disciplining children that don’t require hitting.
That said, when you’re dealing with very little ones, sometimes a little slap is all they understand. Under the roof of someone else, I think you have to give them leeway. But if you have ideas like the above (but more age-appropriate for the very little ones), you might drop those into the convo to help give the grandparents alternative.
And although you’ve probably done so already, OP, I’d give those grandparents some warm fuzzies for participating in your child’s life, helping you out, and so on.
ETA: Agree with Dangerosa about not “needing to do you a favor” when you don’t like the way I do it.
Actually, they request ‘visits’ from him - it’s certainly not expected on our part, although we do appreciate it. If he didn’t visit, we’d still find a way to do what we need to do with him at home with us.
It doesn’t mean that we’re not grateful - and he’s their first and only grandchild, so he loves the attention. They do a fantastic job with him - he wouldn’t grab our hands and drag us to the door if we ask him if he wants to go see them otherwise. Which is why I’m okay with dropping the issue and letting it go. It’s not worth it to stew over it.
And just to clarify - my kid does not find discipline hilarious all the time, especially if we’ve just put him in time-out, and he’s desperate to get to the book or puzzle he was doing. He does have a tendency to think he’s a friggin’ riot most of the time, which is a family trait (my brother was the same way as a kid - hell, my brother is the same way now at 30 years old.). So he will go from “Okay, so this behavior is funny, I’m going to laugh” to “Wait a second. I don’t want to be in time-out!” in record time now. Hitting is our main issue right now - and it’s just going to take a lot of work on our part until he realizes that it is NOT okay to hit. (Oddly enough, he is gentle as can be with our cats - he is sweet with them, and neither one has ever been provoked to the point of taking a swat at him. He adores them. Granted, my girl cat is terrified of him, but she jumps if she walks past the couch in the wrong direction 
.)
Already taken care of - we have the potential of moving about 8 hours away to my hometown, depending on how my interview goes tomorrow, and FIL’s request was that we show him how to hook up a webcam to his computer so he can ‘chat’ with his grandson. So if the move ends up being on, he’ll be getting a webcam for Father’s Day, along with a subscription (if-needed) to a hosting site.
And we’ll just have to agree to disagree with the slap on the hand thing - most kids under two that I know have learned that the oven is hot through redirection - if I tell him ‘that’s hot, leave it alone’, he points at it and says ‘Hot, no touch’, and goes in the other direction. It took a few instances of redirection and a lot of saying the same thing over and over again, but he doesn’t go near the oven if I tell him it’s hot.
Swatting a child’s hand is no more physical punishment than snatching their hand when they try to pull away from you in the parking lot. Your FIL wasn’t trying to use pain to discipline your son, and I think you should let it go.
The fact that you brought up your past disagreements with him indicates that there is more to this than what you’re admitting.
Actually, I’m just afraid of ever going back to that kind of a relationship with him. We do have a mutual respect going now, and we get along a thousand percent times better than we used to. Confrontation with him freaks me out because we’ve been doing well at rationally discussing issues instead of shouting matches like we used to have.
And I am LETTING IT GO. I’ve said that in how many posts now? I am not planning to mention it to him or discuss it with him unless another incident warrants it - and we will make that decision IF that incident occurs.
He may not always be their first and only.
If “they” is primarily your mother in law, and events may occur where she is no longer the driver for the requests.
Requesting to visit and needing people to watch your kids at a specific time are two different things.
You know your inlaws, I don’t. I know that the difference between when mine were the only grandchildren and when mine were the oldest and my sisters both started requiring a lot of my mother’s time and attention meant I was suddenly more dependent on sitting favors with my mother in law and my own father - both of whom are more “watch the kids on my own terms” than my mother.
I guess what I’m saying is I’d let it go. I don’t think there is anyway to bring this up that doesn’t make your father in law feel like a lousy human being who feels his daughter in law doesn’t trust him with his own grandchild - and that may be a feeling that you regret instilling in him.
Hey, Elza B, maybe you should consider letting it go?
(Did I just make your head explode? 
Love ya, hon!)
Yeah, c’mon Elza! Why won’t you just let it go?! 
Hey, Elza, I just wanted to chime in as someone else who doesn’t think that you necessarily have to go swatting/hitting/slapping/spanking/whatever your kids. We’ve got three kids (well, two; Whatsit the Youngest is still just a baby) that are perfectly aware that the stove is hot and shouldn’t be touched, and that the road is dangerous and not for running out into, and we’ve never had to smack them to get this across.
Also, I would be right pissed if someone caring for my children - even if they were MARVELOUS grandparents who deserve THANKS and APPRECIATION for taking on the onerous burden of watching my child - decided to smack them. Whether it was for punitive reasons or not. Because, in my household, we do not hit, and if Grandpa decides that in his household it is okay to hit, then I will be having a polite discussion with Grandpa about this. If said discussion does not achieve the desired effects (i.e., no more hitting, ever) then visits to Grandpa’s house will mysteriously dry up.
You can call me mean, bitter, deluded, ungrateful, or whatever you want. I don’t hit my kids and neither does anybody else.
I completely agree with this, this is pretty much what my mum did when looking after friends children.
Also Elza Bi’d like to apologise somewhat for my comments earlier. Whilst I still stand by the points I made, and think your FIL was right to do what he did, I worded it a bit more forcefully/aggressively than I’d meant too, especially the last one.
Actually, my husband is an only child, so if they get anymore grandkids, it’ll have to be from us :D. But yes, they are great about helping us out if he’s sick and we both have something going on at work that we can’t get out of - especially in the summer when my MIL is out of school. I really do think this was just an isolated incident.
My head exploded 10 posts ago .
You guys are funny .
DCTrekkie, I appreciate that. And I know I’ve come across as defensive in some of this thread, so that probably hasn’t helped, either. You made good points, I think we just disagree on the method of discipline.
So that means your kids would never go visit their grandparents without you?
I totally agree with respecting the parents guidelines , with reasonable limitations, and judging the situation at hand.
It’s just a touchy emotional subject and things won’t be perfect. We have to create boundaries, communicate clearly, and make a judgment call about what is a priority.
The occasional infraction isn’t worth ruining a relationship over.
I’m in the “let it go” camp. You’re getting worked up about nothing. I don’t think your FiL did anything inappropriate or harmful, and you would just sound shrill and oversensitive if you try to confront him about it. The kid is going to be just fine.
There ya go.
I remember my Mom getting in some spats with in laws or even my siblings when she would scold grandkids for misbehaving. It feels bad to have your kids disciplined by someone else, but it’s going to happen. When my kids had guests it was my house my rules.
Not related to the OP but I work retail in a music store. It still surprises me how many parents don’t really teach their kids to respect other people’s property, and then get pissed if you ask their kids not to play with the gear.
remember , it takes a village to raise a child and kids have to learn that their are different rules for different places and people. It’s a fact of life.
A little slap on the hand isn’t “hitting.”
Not having been there, I don’t know if it was a little slap on the hand or a hard smack. If it were my kid, and I felt like it crossed a line, I’d say something, and if Gramps thought I came across as shrill, that’s his problem. Although, what I’d probably say is something along the lines of, “Hey, we’d prefer if you didn’t swat Junior on the hand, because we feel like it sends a mixed message and we’re trying to get him not to hit the other kids at day care” or something along those lines. Which hopefully would not come across as “shrill”.
Bingo. Slapping a hand is dismissive and disrespectful and teaches nothing except that handslapping is ok. I can see grabbing his hand and saying a firm NO while making eye contact. Or better yet, since he’s 2, divert him to another activity.
(I’ll wait for all those who will now say I’m too soft or don’t curb my kids misbehaviors etc).
If Gramps can’t handle a bit of feedback on his parenting “style” maybe Gramps needs to grow up a bit. He can always shrug his shoulders and complain about these newfangled parenting ways behind the OP’s back–that’s what most grandparents do.