Here’s how I would react: “Okay, so I’m pushing 40 and will probably never have a wedding. It ain’t looking too promising at this point. So, I’m going to walk into her house one day and see that it is crammed with beautiful things like matching silverware and soft, thirsty towels. I’m still using mismatched silverware, hand-me-down glasses, chipped Wal Mart dishes, and cheap $2 Target towels. And I will probably never be showered with gifts because I’ve chosen to partner with some guy–I haven’t gotten a chance to partner up with someone. This is her *second *marriage, and I’m supposed to fund her vacation? F**k her. I’m sending her a toaster. And when I turn 40, I’m throwing a big bash and registering for all those wedding gifts that people like this think they’re entitled to, that I will otherwise never see. She’s first on my list to get an invitation with a very long registry list. I’ll just put her down for the crystal wine decanter.”
Not everyone enjoys the privilege of having a large group of loved ones shower one with beautiful, thoughtful gifts simply because one made some sort of major life-change decision. I view specific wedding-gift requests with deep and bitter resentment. The message to the guests is that their bank accounts are more important to the bride than their support of the relationship and their friendship or love.
I recently attended a surprise birthday party. Gifts were requested in the form of a gift cert to a specific store (rhymes with “Best Buy”) because the birthday guy was into stereo stuff. I went along with it but thought it a little tacky and imposing.
IMO fact of life #1 is you don’t go to a wedding without a gift.
IMO fact of life #2 is that it would be nice to give something they really want/need i.e. not waste the money.
The idea, in principle, appeals to me. I don’t have to bust my brain figuring out what they’d like to get, shop for it, etc. Sometimes these things come down to the phrasing. “If you would like to honor the couple with a gift…” improves it a bit? “In lieu of a bridal registry…” maybe?
Gee, I doubt Miss Manners would salute no matter how it’s phrased. Still, if she’s determined to go that way I’d spend more time on the wording.
The idea is that hopefully you know at least one member of the couple well enough to know what they like (or know someone else who might know better than you do). I am rather put off by very large weddings that are attended by people who barely know the couple. It’s like they invite everyone they’ve ever met in hopes that they’ll get more stuff.
When Mr. K and I eloped in the dead of winter, we decided to throw a yard party the following summer. Our wedding gifts consisted of cash from my parents, a basket filled with home-made napkins and tablecloth and two outdoor wine glasses, and a couple of modest checks. The whole point was just to get together with family and close friends to celebrate. I couldn’t have asked for a nicer wedding and reception.
Amen. Mr. S and I got married at the courthouse. As I was telling my aunt this weekend, “It was a shotgun wedding without the pregnancy.” We greeted the guests on the back “deck” (for lack of a better word) of the courthouse before the ceremony, which lasted about 5 minutes. Twenty-three people were present, including ourselves. For gifts we received some towels, a garden gnome, and about $150 cash. Oh, and my mother paid for the dinner (about $275) as her gift to us. Total cost of the wedding INCLUDING the jewelry, maybe $1500 max.
People told us it was one of the most fun weddings they’d attended, very relaxed and pleasant. And we’re still married (18 years this month) and planning to stay that way. Too many couples put more thought into the wedding than into the marriage.
Tacky [sup]10,000,000,000,000[/sup]. Count me in the chorus of “if I received an invitation with that in it I wouldn’t go to the wedding much less give a gift.”
While Aunt Edna wouldn’t say it to her face, I bet she would be thinking it awfully loudly, and may even be saying it a variation of it to family and friends.
Add me to the list of people who thinks it is jaw-droppingly tacky.
I have, however, attended weddings where the bride and groom “registered” for a honeymoon. No announcement was placed in the invitation, however. Instead, when you contacted the family or close friends to find out where they were registered, one of the options was a travel agency. The travel agency would take the money and put it in a fund that the couple could use to book travel with. But every one of those couples also did traditional registry as well (including registering for items with very small price tags) so that if people felt like they wanted to give a gift, they had options off the registry in all sorts of price ranges.
But putting it in the invitation I would find tacky, and likely wouldn’t give them money; I’d get them wine glasses or something functional like that.
Lucy–I would not have joked about Poor Little Mite if I had known. My apologies to your daughter.
But the rest of it I stand by. I think we’re all agreed that the couple wants money for whatever purpose–but it cannot be stated so directly or so obviously. Sorry, but that’s human behavior. Why does the wedding have to be in so remote a place? Surely they can see how that is a hardship on everyone? I am somewhat leery of weddings that MUST take place in this spot or on THAT day-the wedding is not the most important part of anything. That child and their continuing relationship are.
If I were to receive this invite, a lot would depend on my relation to this couple. If they are cousins, I will send a check and a card–and the check would NOT be for 3 figures. If they are friends, it depends on how close they are to me, but again, they wouldn’t be getting a big gift, regardless. They are established, so in my eyes, they “merit” “deserve” (whatever) a token of appreciation, not a needed boost for those just starting out. I’d be amazed if any other guest felt differently.
(and I do hope this doesn’t come back to reflect on you and your wife. I think the whole happiness thing may have gone to your daughter’s head and she just needs a little hint).
I like the idea of registering with some travel-related vendor. Although I personally had a very small wedding and didn’t register anywhere, every wedding (and baby) I’ve come within spitting distance of in the recent past has involved a registry. Sometimes I use it, other times I give a check or a gift card. Using a registry is not blazing some new trail of tackiness. Don’t publicize the registry in the invitation (I agree that’s tacky), just by word of mouth. If some non family member wants to host a shower for the bride, that also provides a venue to publicize the registry.
I haven’t read the thread because I wanted to give my opinion asked for by the OP unbiased - the card asking for money comes across very badly - my gut reaction is, “If you’re so established, pay for your own damned honeymoon.” My preference would be a card that says, “Because we are established, please consider your presence at our wedding your gift to us.” Plenty of people will still give money (and some will still give gifts, because people do what they please), but there shouldn’t be a bad taste left in anyone’s mouth.
#1: People who are close to the couple will already know that they are already established. When I attend 2nd weddings or weddings between two already established people, I always send a check. I’m sure a lot of people follow suit. Or I’ll call and ask where the couple is registered, at which time I’d be happy to be told that the couple would be grateful to accept cash.
#2: Etiquette speaking, it’s certainly not expected for people who can’t/don’t attend the wedding to send a gift. Card, yes. Gift, no. So having a wedding in an inconvenient/costly place will surely diminish the number of gifts they receive.
After reading the thread, I’ll agree with no mention of gifts at all.
On a “different things in different cultures” note, we are lucky here in Canada - everyone registers at the same Canadian country-wide chain for weddings, so no one ever needs to ask these awkward questions (the chain store being The Bay, of course).
Lucy, has your daughter read this thread yet? It occurs to me that we have been our usual honest selves here; maybe she would benefit by having you summarize it for her, rather than her reading 75 times that she’s being tacky (at a stressful time for her).
I think the wording as suggested in the OP is indeed a bit “off”, but not mentioning gifts at all in the invitation? Really?
I have been to maybe a dozen weddings in the past five years and I believe that every single one of the invitations included a card with a gift list number. Most of the invitations included a line to the effect that they’d be delighted if we could attend, and if we wished to buy the bride and groom a gift, they had a list at store X.
This is absolutely standard practice, and I would find it quite odd if I received a wedding invitation that didn’t suggest where I could buy a gift. I wouldn’t feel in any way obligated to buy a gift, but it would be nice to know what they would like if I chose to buy one.
I am getting married in less than four weeks. My fiancee and I have been living together for some time and have most of the usual “wedding list” items already. We set up a smallish gift list, and also registered a honeymoon gift account. When my fiancee’s parents sent out the invitations, they included cards from both of these, and included a note about gifts on the info sheet.
Mentioning gifts on wedding invitations is absolutely expected, in my experience. Not on the invite itself, but on the info sheet that goes with it, listing directions, hotels, etc etc.
