How would you react to this wedding invitation?

In My Humble Opinion
81

Tacky.

Gifts should never, ever, ever, be mentioned on the invitation. Under no circumstances. If there is a registry (some guests like them- it takes some pressure off when going to a wedding of someone you don’t know too well) it should be spread by world of mouth only. And it should not include luxury items or items too far outside the traditional world of wedding registries.

The “honeymoon of our dreams” line is especially touchy. It’s in bad taste to ask anyone for something they never got (would you even dream of asking for a gift certificate from a restaurant the giver couldn’t afford to eat at?), and I’m willing to bet that plenty of guests had honeymoons that were fairly humble.

I’m even opposed to mentioning donations to charity- IMHO this is double tacky. At first it is an attempt to rub how virtuous and generous you are in everyone’s faces- if you really do care there is no need to make a public event out of it. And then it is a subtle insult (implying that I’m not quite as virtuous as them because I would buy a materialist blender while they would give all their {my?} money to starving children.) And then, you have to go out and do this all in my name? No thank you! Exceptions are made for people giving to truly deeply personal causes that all the guests agree with (let’s say a nearby natural disaster, or a disease that a loved one was recently lost to) and to the fabulously rich who have thousands of invitees and would be truly burdened by the gift load.

Anyway in this case the wedding guests probably know the couple’s situation and it isn’t rocket science to figure out that they don’t want a blender.

The price of the wedding is irrelevant. If you can’t afford your wedding, scale things down. There is nothing wrong with a cake and punch reception in the public park. There is something wrong with throwing a party for yourself and then expecting your guests to pay for it.

In short- your wedding, your responsibility. Your honeymoon, your responsibility. Don’t be tacky and make your loved ones uncomfortable by begging them for money to buy luxuries with.

82

Again, am I living in some weird parallel social universe, or what? Like I say, I have been to many many weddings recently - schoolfriends, relatives, even friends of friends, and every single one that I recall has had a gift-list card included with the invitation. Not necessarily mentioned explicitly on the invitation, but included.

I personally find it useful, as I know what to get (or not, as the case may be). I certainly don’t feel “pressured” or in any way offended - it’s just the info is there if I need it.

Why else would stores give you a whole load of cards with the list number printed on them, if not to send out with the invitations, anyway? :confused:

83

This is true–for example, my own honeymoon was 3 days at a hotel that my uncle gave us a family discount at. Now, I enjoyed my honeymoon, and I don’t grudge anyone else the honeymoon of their dreams–but if I’m going to pay for a dream trip, I’d like it to be mine. Asking me to pay for your trip brings up all sorts of impolite feelings that I wouldn’t normally think if it was my idea to give the gift. Like, “I haven’t been on a fancy trip in over 10 years. Who’s gonna pay for my big vacation, huh?” Funny thing though, when it’s my own idea to buy someone a nice gift, I enjoy getting the happy couple something I might never had.

All this is irrelevant if the bride and groom and more interested in getting a lot of money than they are in keeping their friends, of course. But the polite thing to do is pretend that you do care about your friends’ feelings.

(I don’t actually terribly object to putting gift registry information into the invitation, as long as it’s not on the invitation itself. It’s not really correct, and I didn’t do it myself, but it doesn’t make me want to give the happy couple a $3 spaghetti server for a gift either. Registries are more a practical recognition of reality than a polite fiction anyway, and it admittedly saves some calling around.)

84

See my note above. But you know what, you should never rely on stores to give you good etiquette information. Rely on them to try to make as much money as possible, sure.

85

Mazel Tov! He’s certain to be a well-mannered man with parents like you.

I don’t think anyone has made any personal assignation of tackiness. The OP’s daughter is probably a fine young lady, but the note being considered (the note, not the lady!) is indeed tacky.

86

True enough. Maybe we Brits are just vulgar. But you knew that, right?

In this country, if you’re going to a wedding, nine times out of 10 you can assume there’ll be a gift list at John Lewis. In fact if a John Lewis card doesn’t fall out of the envelope when you get the invitation, you generally assume a mistake has been made somewhere… :wink:

87

Otto the point of what I wrote was they are expected to not bring gifts. This is especially true when it’s for older people that just want the guest to show up.

In what way does telling everybody to not bring gifts translate into bring gifts?

88

So is yammering on your cell phone in all sorts of inappropriate places. Just because a lot of people do it doesn’t make it polite or correct.

89

I think it must be some kind of hyper-etiquette thing. The fact that you ask people not to bring gifts means that you had thought about the possibility that they might bring gifts. Which means that the whole vulgar gift-buying elephant has lumbered into the room and is going to sit there making everyone feel terribly uncomfortable even though you asked them not to bring any bloody gifts. Or something like that.

I don’t know. I included gift-list cards with my wedding invitation, so I’m clearly on the same social plane as plankton. (And not the classy multi-celled kind :stuck_out_tongue: )

90

Exactly, the wording is definitely off.

Use this instead:

“On the subject of gifts, while we’re really hoping people will give us money so we can have an excellent honeymoon, we recognize that we will give offense if we press too hard about it, so instead, we will simply say that if you choose to honor us with a non-monetary gift, make sure to include the receipt so we can return it for the cash. Thanks.”

91

Mentioning gifts at all is tactless in itself. Asking for gifts even more so. Asking for cash is downright offensive. Asking for cash on top of asking people to shell out thousands of dollars for a destination wedding is beyond the pale.

I would toss an invitation like that in the trash and send, at most, a card. Guests are not obligated to finance a honeymoon. Many guests also like to put some thought and personal touch into real gifts and not just be seen as marks being hustled for cash.

92

Still offensive and tactless. You do not mention gifts. Gifts are to be given only at the discretion of the givers. No couple should ever expect a single gift. I didn’t. The thought of gifts actually never even crossed my mind until the day of my wedding when I saw wrapped gifts on a table and wondered who they were for (I really am that clueless).

93

The only thing wrong with this is that it’s too subtle; somebody might actually use it. “Great! This way we won’t have to chase down the receipts!!”

ETA: Thanks for the verification, Diogenes. Whoosh

94

It’s not “hyper-etiquette.” It’s just plain old garden-variety etiquette. One is never owed a present for any occasion. They are traditional on such occasions as weddings, birthdays, Christmas and the like, but they are not to be expected and, as Miss Manners says, they are not the price of admission. To say “don’t bring gifts” is to say “I expect gifts but I am letting you off the hook” and it’s tacky. Any attempt to directly instruct gift-givers in this fashion is tacky.

Feh. I’ve been to any number of plankton weddings and none of the invitations has ever included a gift list card.

95

No, this particular piece of barbarism has been actively encouraged by the wedding industry, who has no interest in making this world a more comfortable place to live and every interest in making more money. These are the guys who perpetuated the “tradition” that a ring “has to” cost three months salary, the best way to honor your friends is to make them wear matching ugly dresses, it’s a good idea to go to some far flung island to get married and expect your friends to want to spend their hard earned money to go along, and that your napkins have to be a specific color and have your name on it.

And everyone keeps doing it because everyone else keeps doing it, and they harbor secret hopes it will net them more stuff.

Anyway, it’s not a big deal. I only get so worked up about it because I loathe the wedding industry in general and want to critisize it whenever possible.

96

See Scarlett’s post. :stuck_out_tongue:

97

Because stores are in the business of selling things. They are not in the business of teaching adults etiquette. They don’t care if you’re rude or not. Just because they provide the means to offend your guests doesn’t mean that you have to do so.

OTOH, your location says you’re in the UK. Maybe things are very different there.

Registries are fine - but don’t people know anyone (not necessarily the Bride’s mom. But also bridesmaids, groomsmen, other attendants, family members, friends, distant cousins who are also going to the wedding.) connected to the wedding well enough to ask “where is the couple registered?” Really? No one? How well do they know the couple?

98

An excellent, very astute point. Reading back over the thread, I can see where some things might have a personal edge to them, however, I’m pretty certain that no one meant it that way. Thanks for putting voice to that thought.

Okay. Sorry it’s taken so long to get back and update you … Yes, my daughter has read this thread. Well, part of it actually.

Okay, so she actually only got all the way up to post #40 before she lost it. (It was probably my post at #39 that triggered her somewhat emotional response. Think: Ballistic, nuclear-powered, insane and definitely not de-clawed cat going in several different directions simultaneously. Got that? Okay, you’re 10% of the way there …)

Her initial reaction was everything I expected it to be, so (as luck would have it) I was more or less prepared. (I raised her, remember? Okay, well, her mother helped. She gave our daughter her temper, not me. :smiley: )

After a many tears, some language that probably wouldn’t be acceptable in the Pit, a long walk, more tears, (we raised her to be a very strong willed and independent woman… there are times that that can be a drawback …) some apologies, a few hugs - well, I think she’s finally caught on. I’ll be better able to judge in a few days.

I’m certain that when she gets home, she will probably link back in here and finish reading this thread. Thanks to one and all for your honesty, civility, and (for the most part) even-handed responses. That’s what I love about this place. Sometimes truth hurts.

I view all of this as a failure on my part, though I honestly never saw it coming.

And just be clear on this one point: she really never had an expectation of gifts, just that, you know, “if you’re gonna give us a toaster, we’d really rather not get another one … if you’re going to give something, this is what we really want 'cause we pretty well got everything we need …” She thought that’s what she was saying. She got the idea from the invitations she received from a couple of her close friends in the last couple of years. She really could not see what was wrong with the idea.

She does, now, recognize that not only was the wording totally wrong, but that the sentiment behind the words could so easily be misread in such a way that is so totally not what she was trying to say. (I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: can I do run-on sentences, or what?)

She even came up with this one on her own: she can think of at least 4 relatives that would actually choose to interpret it in the worst possible way.

AFTERMATH: A New Hope*

The plan, at least as of a couple of hours ago, is to print a few of the cards expressing the desire that no gifts be given - expressly for a few specially chosen invitees. The rest, no card, no mention of gifts at all. I’m certain most will call. The fall back plan will be, essentially, what a number of you suggested: subtle word of mouth.

I probably should have installed some kind of back door in her programming so that it wouldn’t take a 2x4 to get her to see an error in her thinking.

Ya live.

Ya learn.

Hopefully.

Thanks again.

Lucy

*with apologies to what’s-his-name. You know, the movie guy … with the robots … or a princess … or stars or something … Uhhh …

99

Zoom. :o

Oh, well. It’s not the first time I’ve been whooshed and won’t be the last. Carry on.

100

I’m with you, in general. The amount of money my fiancee’s parents are spending on this wedding horrifies me - it’s more than my fiancee earns in a year, on one day. But it’s not really my place to complain, seeing as they are picking up virtually the whole tab.

But still I think, in this country at least, it’s not considered rude to let people know where they can find the gift list. It’s a wedding, if I’m going I’m likely to buy a gift, so I want to know what the couple would actually like.

That said, the whole “please donate the value of your gift so we can have an expensive honeymoon” line strikes even me as being crass.