In this particular case I was arguing with my mother and he jumped in and started giving me a bunch of shit.
It was between my mother and me, none of his business and a few hours later we were apologizing to each other and talked it out.
I don’t like people jumping into arguments, it just adds fuel to the fire. I don’t get into the middle of their arguments and believe me there have been times where I’ve had to walk away to keep from telling him off.
I think it is a matter of respect, it’s not my place to get into their relationship.
Although I have considered giving him a taste of his own medicine, I just don’t have that much energy to comment on everything everybody does.
I think he can’t help himself, he’s 80 years old, ex military, ex school teacher, ex administrator.
I could sit here and type a whole long list of all the times he oversteps boundaries, from yelling at me because I let my son have long (to his shoulders) hair, to telling my nieces son to stop eating his roll and eat something else off his plate, to putting food on my mothers plate because she isn’t eating enough, to demanding to know how much money I make, to giving me shit because I like my sisters ex husband, to wanting to know what I did wrong 30 years ago when I got my divorce.
My sons hair length is none of his business, my niece is capable of monitoring what her kids eat and who cares if he eats his roll before he eats his turkey, my mother knows if she is hungry or not, my salary is none of his business, I can like whomever I want and there are two sides to that story, and I don’t even remember what all went wrong 30+ years ago when I got divorced and why the hell would I want to talk about it with him?
Now I know I wasn’t just imagining an insult by his comments.
I know it is best to just ignore him and let it roll off.
And for Bob Ducca, the only role my sister played in this was that she didn’t give me a message from my mother which led to the original argument (my mother calling me up and screaming at me for not doing something I didn’t know needed to be done).
Thank you Elbows. I guess we do all love each other although it sure is hard sometimes
It’s the IMMEDIATE path of least resistance. However, it’s almost guaranteed to make him think that he can get away with this behavior, so he’ll keep doing it. It’s like appeasing a tantrum throwing toddler. The toddler might shut up and co-operate once he gets a lollipop, but the next time he throws a tantrum, it’s gonna take a bigger lollipop to quiet him.
I was wondering if it was an argument with Mom. I kind of disagree that it was none of his business.
Thing is, if he’s the long-term boyfriend, then he may be functionally her spouse. And if someone is treating my spouse unfairly, then it IS my business–just as it’s her business if someone’s treating me unfairly. Your mom’s welfare is his business, and if he perceived you as hurting her in some way, he can step in, not as the patriarch, but as her partner.
And when he later told you “Don’t ever do that again,” was he telling you never to be rude to his partner again? Because that’s an okay thing to say, too.
In other words, your relationship with your mom doesn’t give you the right to be awful to his partner.
Sounds to me like there’s a couple things at play here. First, he’s apparently this old-school codger who believes that the family patriarch gets to control what everyone else in the family does, and may even see that as his god-given moral duty. Second, he’s apparently so comfortable with your family that he believes he is part of the family, marriage or no.
I would either politely set firm boundaries with him, or nod and smile and act like I was paying attention whenever he opened his mouth, when in reality, I’d be composing my next grocery list or something. “Crackers. I need to get crackers for soup. And ketchup. I think I’m almost out of ketchup.”
