About three months ago I pissed off a family member.
He stuck his nose in where it didn’t belong and I told him that it was none of his business and he needed to shut up and butt out.
So he stopped talking to me and even made a bit of a show of not talking to me.
If he thought he was upsetting me or hurting my feelings, he was wrong. In fact, as I told one person, if I had known it was that easy to shut him up I would have told his ass off a long time ago.
Well as we know, all good things must come to an end and when I saw him Sunday morning he told me good morning. Out of politeness I told him good morning.
All was well until he said
‘I think I have gone long enough without talking to you and I decided it was time to start talking to you again.’
Maybe I am wrong, but I took that statement him saying I was no longer being punished?
I took a deep breath and in the interest of family harmony managed not to say
‘don’t do me any favors’.
Then, as though that wasn’t enough
he** TOLD** me, not asked, not suggested, not requested but** TOLD** me to never do again what it was that he stuck in nose in in the first place.
At this point I told him that he does things that I find offensive and if he wants to point his finger at me I could point right back and did he really want to go there.
I found the whole conversation a bit unsettling and a bit insulting.
Yeah, although I assume it’s not because he had a predetermined length of sentence but because he was finding it hard to remember to not talk to you.
The moment someone who has no authority over me gives me a directive, my response is invariably, “Up your nose with a rubber hose,” escalations as necessary. I also have no compunction about saying sure and then doing whatever the hell I wanted in the first place.
So uh…what was this business that you couldn’t let him on about?
I think we might need a bit more of context concerning his usual behaviour though. Based on what’s given, (in your position,) I would probably just shrug and ignore his “demand.”
Then again, wouldn’t it mostly depend on what you were doing in the first place?
He was saying your punishment (of not speaking to you) was up, after he scolded you one more time.
If you were wrong, apologize and don’t do it again. If you weren’t wrong, as my dear mother would say, “Somebody has to be the grown-up”, so ignore the last scolding and get on with your life.
Oh, the things we do in the name of family harmony. After telling him to butt out of something that wasn’t his business, I don’t think my response to him would be very polite; I think it would be something along the lines of, “I’m still not asking for your permission to do this; I’m going to do it regardless of your opinion, and you’re just upsetting both of us by continuing to think you have a say in it.”
The answer is absolutely going to vary based on your relationship to this person, and his relationship to the family as a whole. Keep in mind, the one thing you cannot change is somebody else.
Is this someone you’ve come to in the past for advice, or did his demand come out of left field? Do you value his input at all? Who is he to you? A distant cousin? Your son? Your husband? Your father? The grandpa/familial patriarch that nobody else has ever stood up to?
On it’s own, I think that’s not offensive. Maybe a bit poorly worded, but not offensive. However, when paired up with this:
He’s crossing the line.
*However *(part 2), that’s all predicated on the fact that he truly had no business with you in the first place. How sensitive of a matter was it that started all this?
I’ve been told I’m too sensitive or read too much into what people say but as Shodan says, I felt that I was being scolded again.
He is my mothers boyfriend. Somewhere somehow he seems to think that by being with her he has become the family patriarch.
He is not.
He has no authority, I have never asked him for advice, I think he is an ass but he makes my mother happy so that is all that matters.
I don’t dislike him, I’d just like him a whole lot better if he came with a muzzle.
I have been polite and respectful towards him for my mothers sake, otherwise I would have told him off years ago. We’re all in kind of the same spot, out of respect for my mother we tolerate his behavior.
Unfortunately I think by tolerating it he has taken that as we accept his authority.
No incest involved, he is totally bald so no hair to tousle.
When he ended the cold shoulder silence it was likely either he keeps forgetting, it’s kinda hard, or he can’t stay mad at you.
You have the option of not responding at all. Or with a collection of go to responses like, ‘indeed’, ‘is that so?’, ‘impressive’, etc, etc. treat his edicts/directions etc as nothing more than the chest pounding of an ape.
He needs to feel dictatorial in his own home. Letting him have his moment, without challenging, is probably the path of least resistance, I should think. Just don’t take any of it on board, let it just wash over you like a wave at the beach. Then do whatever you were wanting to. (Do you live with them?)
However, for your future reference, the correct response to someone deigning to end their miff you, is “My turn!” And then you get to give the silence, and also enjoy extended peace and quiet. Now it’s on you when it ends! Perfect!
Honestly though, the very first thing that struck me about the OP was that for all the miff being bandied about, what shone through was that you ARE a family. The words you chose to express yourself, and him not being able to stay mad at you, both bespeak a closeness that neither seems to want to acknowledge, nor know how to express! Something to think about, I think.
Yeah, it does kind of depend on that - if you (the OP) were pissing in his petunias, then he’s right to intervene. If it’s something he really, honestly, genuinely should have no business sticking his nose into, I’d be inclined to politely invite him to continue the shun.
Above all else, try to see the humor in it all. He punishes you by doing what you like–leaving you alone. He rewards you by re-offending you. If it were a sit-com, we’d be laughing. Responses I’ve found work with overbearing relatives:
“Interesting advice! What mistake did you make in your youth that makes you so afraid to take risks?”
“Ah, unsolicited advice! Probably worth what I paid for it, don’t you think?”
“How do you think I should respond to the contradictory advice I received from <name of random person>. Should I please you? them? or myself?”
“Thanks for the advice. I’m going to give you the opportunity to say ‘I told you so’ if the results you’re predicting come to pass.”
