All I can talk about is myself, so here goes.
I wouldn’t think of it as a break, but a break-up. There would be considerable pain. And if there was a member of the opposite sex that was offering solace, I would take it.
It doesn’t stop the pain of a break-up, but it does make us feel quite a bit better about ourselves.
Maybe it was the mad old woman down the street who sits in a lawn chair all day cackling, and he’s just too embarrassed to tell you? 
Another possibility, albeit unlikely, is that he didn’t really sleep with anyone and was just trying to sound like a stud. Some people really are this misguided.
My guess would be it was just some girl whose name you know, and he doesn’t want you storming around there and confronting her over something that didn’t even mean anything back then.
As pointed out, most men see sex differently from women and often class sex and love as two separate things. I doubt very much he was over you when it happened.
I say drop it. He hasn’t done anything wrong, and probably only told you without thinking when it accidentally came up because he respects you too much to lie to you.
I would let it go. Knowing who it is isn’t gonna make it any better. As far as the girl goes, she probably doesn’t think anything about it after all this time either, especially if it is someone that knows you both. Evidently, because you haven’t picked up on anyone acting strange around your husband. My ex would torment me constantly about who, what, when, and where on guys that I dated before I ever knew him. Believe me constantly bringing it up or reminding him of it will tend to make him not tell you anything ever again, I know I didn’t tell my ex anything because I knew if I did he would just throw it back up in my face constantly.
The guy married you, he’s a good husband, be happy.
plain_jane,
I have to disagree. He didn’t tell any story. He just refused to lie outright when presented with a direct question.
Breezy, you husband has really shown a lot of class in this - not lying to you outright (which he could have), not disclosing the name under pressure. Perhaps his only classless act was sleeping with someone so soon after your breakup - but I agree with spooje - if he was in pain, you take solice where you can get it. And that men generally treat sex different than women do. He sounds like a keeper. Don’t blow it.
Thank you all so much. I have to admit, at first I was really hoping that everyone would tell me how right I am, and that he’s being a big poop head about it. haha
I’m really glad that everyone was very honest. You all are right. My hubby was being very honest to tell me the truth. He’s an honest guy, and we do have an honest relationship. I think that is why it bugs me so much that he won’t tell me the name. BUT, you are probably right, I would probably just be REALLY ticked off at the girl, even though there were 2 people involved in the act…
My marriage really is a good one. He makes me happy, and I make him happy. (for the most part–NO marriage is perfect!!) haha
Anyway, I will try to drop it and not bother him about it anymore. On the good advice of several of you. (BUT I do still want to know). haha
Thanks for all the advice, and all the kind words!
My friend Gloria had a really good question for me when I would I wonder aloud if my ex was still seeing that dental hygenist. She would ask me “What are you going to do with that information?”
Breezy, what are you going to do with the information you seek? Confront the other woman? Tell your neighbors? Counsel this woman about her poor choices? It’s so human to want to know the answer to who she was, but consider what the answer will bring to your marriage. Think hard about what you’d do with that information and make your decision with that in mind.
I think you need to be prepared for the possibility that it was someone you know and that you may even be very good friends with this person. If you make this demand on him, chances are that he will either have to refuse, or, if he tries to comply, you’re going to find out who the person was, 'cause you’ll notice their absence.
I think if it was someone you don’t really know very well, hubby would likely have tried to put you at ease by saying something like, “Don’t worry, it’s not someone we see often” or “it’s not one of our friends.”
I’d advise dropping it, period. I wouldn’t be thrilled either if I were you. In fact, I’d probably be pretty hurt. But I agree with Dangerosa and Manda Jo: it sounds like otherwise, you have a good relationship; hubby sounds like a class act, overall; and you’d probably be sorry if you screwed up a pretty good marriage by turning this past mistake into a major present issue between you two.
(I must say, though, I really don’t get why anyone would think it would alleviate pain to sleep with someone on the rebound. In my experience, it causes most people more pain in the long-run. But I guess YMMV.)
Sorry, but every request for information about relationships you had with other women is female-speak for “give me an excuse to be mad at you.”
Lie. No, you are the only one, and you always have been. Nope, I would never do something like that. No, I could never get over you even when we weren’t speaking.
Lie. And do it fast, because if you stop to consider your answer, it’s game over.
Regards,
Shodan
Shodan, I didn’t exactly request that he tell me about it. It’s not like I was just looking for an excuse to be mad. I already thought the answer was that he hadn’t done that. I was just trying to make a point about another couple we know. Honestly, if I’d thought he HAD done that, I never would have asked.
I’m also glad that he DIDN’T lie to me. At least I know I can always trust him to tell me the truth.
Be glad your husband didn’t use Shodan’s methods. The fact that he actually told you and didn’t like says volumes for his character. He does have class, however I really believe it’s unfair for him to not tell you who it is. While I do understand everyone else’s advice, I think that what you don’t know CAN hurt you, and it’s not fair of him to put you in this position. Either way it’s a tough situation and I wish you the best.
Someone previously mentioned that they thought everyone is entitled to a private life–while I agree with that, I do not believe that spouses are entitled to a private life when it comes to sex if for no other reason than because of the numerous std’s that are out there. You do have a right to know EVERYONE that your husband has had sex with, regardless of when it happened or what the situation was, simply because of the health ramifications his actions could have on you.
Thank you Mysterious!!!
I agree with you about the private life.
Thanks for your input!
But Mysterious…he didn’t tell he until two years after it happened. It has been three years now since the sex. (If I have the time line right) If there were any health ramifications Breezy would likely know about them by now. And if she wants to get anything checked then she should go get it checked. Knowing the girl’s name doesn’t tell her if the girl had an STD.
She has every right to know the name of someone he had sex with while he is her husband (god forbid!). But I think you can keep names out of the past history. Names don’t matter. Get tested if you are worried.
I’ve said it once, twice, a thousand times…if you think that all women are like this (or any other negative stereotype), then you need to hang out with a better class of women. Why on earth would I want to be mad at my husband?
And he did have a life before he met me. I’m mature enough to accept that. Sometimes I do ask him about his exes because that helps me understand him better. I’m grateful to them, not jealous of them. They helped shape him into what he is today.
Green Bean, I admire you for your maturity in understanding that one’s ex’s actually help shape them into the people they fall in love with!
One more quick note on the privacy issue–it is definately possible to have an std for several years without knowing it, and in the case of HIV it is possible to not test positive until several years after being exposed. Knowing who it is will not immediately tell her if her husband contracted an std, but if she knows the girl, she will know how “experienced” she is and how large the chance is of std exposure. As far as sex is concerned, knowledge is both power and safety and every person has the right to know what they could be dealing with, and what to keep an eye out for–especially when they are dealing with a spouse.
Not that this is really the issue for Breezy. It doesn’t sound like either her or or husband has been exceedingly promiscuous.
Breezy, have you thought about this–your husband had sex with you, then had sex with another girl, and still chose to marry you. Obviously this other girl has absolutely nothing on you. Not that this makes it hurt any less, but I would guess you might also be dealing with a little bit of insecurity (at least I know I would be). This man chose to marry you AND only had sex with one other girl one time on your ‘break’. You must really be a phenomenal woman–and he must have quickly realized that.
Thanks for clarifying Mysterious but I stand by my position.
If she is worried about HIV then obviously she needs to get tested. Knowing the girl’s name and how “experienced” she might be won’t tell her if the girl has HIV or anyother STD.
Quit focusing on something that happened in the past and has no relevance to your current relationship. Your husband broke no vow. When you break up with someone, they are free to see other people. Quite possibly he acted out of character one night because he was still grieving YOU. People do that.
Had your husband wanted to pursue a relationship with this other woman, he was free to do so. He chose not to. Instead he chose to try again with you. That should make you feel more secure instead of less secure. Count your blessings and drop the subject already.
Firstly he didn’t “tell” you, you pulled it out of him via interrogation, and secondly he had absolutely no duty to tell you. If anything he owes a duty fo privacy to his ex-lover given your demonstrated inclination for ferreting her out in order to make sure she can be properly shunned and excised from your social set.
If you let your jealously and paranoia keep pushing this issue every time you feel vulnerable his annoyance is likely to grow to the point you will do serious damage to your relationship. She may (or may not) have been better than you in the sack or in “understanding” him, but in the end, for whatever reasons, he chose you. You won, be satisfied.
I just want to say one more time that I wasn’t trying to interrogate him. I was sure that I knew the answer, and that it was “No, I didn’t jump into bed with someone right after we broke up.”
I’m begining to see that the fact that he DID do that doesn’t mean he cared about me any less at the time.
And (boy, you guys are going to really roast me for this) he and I talked about it last night, because he could tell that I was upset about something. Anyway, he told me who it was. It ended up being a girl who was really good friends with his brother’s girlfriend. He and his brother were roomates at the time. The girl was in the middle of a divorce at the time. I remember that because we went out to the bars a couple times during my break up. How ironic. haha
Anyway, I DO feel better now that I know who it was. I immediately felt a WEIGHT lift off my shoulders. It isn’t a good friend of mine, and it’s no one who comes over to my house at all. And it also wasn’t a good friend of mine who went behind my back and did that.
This whole issue has almost become a non-issue to me now. Of course I will think of it now and then, but now that I kind of know the circumstances I can see how/why it happend.
PRAISE THE LORD! I can go back to being normal now!
Thanks again for all the advice, everyone!!!
Wait, one more thing. I was never interested in knowing the gory details, and I would never ask “Was she better than me.” As he’s shown, my husband is very honest, and that is a question I don’t really want to know the answer to!! Once again, when I said to him “Well, you didn’t sleep with anyone while we were broken up did you?” I wasn’t really ASKING. I thought I already knew the answer, but I could tell by his silence that I was wrong. That is when it started bothering me.
Okay, I think I’m done. Thanks again everyone, for your opinions!!!