Humble Opinions wanted on a "we were on a break" relationship issue.

In My Humble Opinion
1

I’m having a strange issue with my husband. I will try to keep this short and to-the-point.

When we were dating, we broke up two times. Once for about 5 days, and once for about 3 weeks. We’ve been together for about 4 years (not including the break-ups) now. Married for 1 of those years. Anyway, on the last “break” that we had, which was about a year before we got married–so two years ago) my husband had a fling with someone he picked up at the bar. He said that they did have sex, and it was a one-time thing.

Part of my problem is that I really shouldn’t be mad at him, because we were broken up at the time, and we weren’t really even speaking with one another. I’m not mad that he “cheated” on me, because he really didn’t cheat. I’m more hurt that he was able to sleep with someone so soon after we broke up.

I’m also hurt that he didn’t tell me about it until about a year ago. Also, we live in a small town, and there is a really good chance that I know the girl he had the fling with. I would like him to tell me who it was, and he clams up when I ask him about it. He won’t tell me who it is.

We have parties at our house about twice a year, and I would like to make sure that the girl he slept with isn’t one of our “guests”. He says that if he tells me, I won’t feel any better, and it will just cause more problems.

What do you think? Should he tell me, or will it just cause more problems? Also, how do I get over this? I don’t think about it all THAT often, but when I do I get so disgusted with him for doing it, and also hurt by the whole issue.

My husband said last night that it “doesn’t count” because we were totally broken up, and it was before our relationship was back on. He seems to think that it is sort of a “poof–it never happened” sort of issue.

He’s such a great guy, and I’m not trying to trash talk him or anything. I also don’t want everyone to think he’s a dirt-bag for having the said “fling”.

Anyway, I hope that all makes sense, and I appreciate any input.

2

I am having a really hard time understanding men today.

Why in the hell did he tell you a year ago that he had sex with a women two years ago (when you weren’t together) and then refuse to tell you her name. What was the context in which he told you? What did he hope would happen?

You can bet if he won’t tell you the name then it is someone you know. Probably someone you see frequently and are friends with.

You need to figure out why it is so important that you know the name. What are you going to do when you find out? What if it was your best friend or your sister? Are you going to leave him? Quit speaking to your best friend? If you aren’t going to do anything then why know?

If you still want to know then I think he should tell you. You can’t just tell half a secret. I don’t think that there is anything wrong with keeping a past personal part of your life personal, even from a spouse. But, once you bring it out in the open I don’t know how you can refuse to discuss it.

I don’t know that I would want to know the name…if he thinks it will cause more problems then you can bet that it will.

3

My opinion? He didn’t do anything wrong, and it’s his business. He’s alread told you more than you have a right to demand to know. Everyone–even married people are allowed a private life. Try to stop worrying about it. Nothing galls people more than being blamed for something when they consider themselves innocent, or at least not in the wrong.

4

I’m not sure why he told you any of this - no good can really come of it.

You can ask him to vow to you that he will never allow this woman to be invited to one of your parties. However, if it is someone you know this could get dicey.

Do you really want to know the answer to this question? What if it’s a “friend” of yours?

My advice: Drop the subject. Don’t ask who it is anymore - he is uncomfortable disclosing it for a reason.

Best wishes to you.

5

I’m with Slainte…let it go, you don’t want to know the answer…

I’m really confoozed as to why he told you this in the first place, and secondly, when asked for a name, why he didn’t make one up…scummy, but it would have ended it. Must not have read the secret guy handbook…sigh

6

I’m also wondering why he told you at all. He should never have brought it up. The past is the past and there’s nothing you can do about it (except let it make you miserable). Please, please try to put it behind you and forget about it. I’ll agree with Slainte and say that no good could possibly come from you knowing her name.

Good wishes to you.

7

The context that this information came out was this:

A couple that are friends of ours broke up, and they immediately became involved with other people. I was talking with my husband about it, and I said that I couldn’t believe that people just jump right into bed with somebody else after a break up like that. He gave me a dumb-stare when I said that, and said that he didn’t think it was any big deal. To drive my point home, I said “Well we broke up twice, and neither of us did that.”

Same dumb stare.

Followed by no response.

So I said “You didn’t sleep with anyone did you?” and he replied that yes he had slept with someone.

And one lucky thing I have going, is that he didn’t sleep with my best friend, because she’s his sister. Also, I have no sister, so it wasn’t my sister either. (haha)

I’m positive it is just some chick that we both know.

And cher3-- you really are right. I need to just drop it, but it won’t stop popping into my head. I wish it would! In fact, I wish I didn’t know a thing about it. This is a case where ignorance would be bliss.

8

Maybe that is the way to go, Slainte. I could just make him swear that girl never enters our house.

I know that you are probably right about me not needing to know the name of the girl. I might feel worse, but at least I will know. I mean, if I do have a friend that slept with my (ex)boyfriend right after we broke up I don’t want that girl to be a friend of mine!

EEK! Who knows what I can do. I really do want to get over it, though. I guess I just don’t know how to.

9

Sorry Breezy, but a lot of us guys are pretty much sluts. It’s that little brain that steals all of our blood, and makes us do things we know we shouldn’t.

Try your best to shelve it, and for gawds sake, don’t ever bring it up in the heat of an argument.

10

Breezy, my take is that there are two things about this that bother you. The first is pretty much covered by superbee. The second thing I think that is bothering you more is that there’s a woman you know out there that smugly thinks “I slept with her husband before she married him and she doesn’t know.” If it is someone you know, chances are whoever it is wishes it never happened and fervently hopes you never find out. Just a thought.

11

Good Luck to You, Breezy.

I’m all for the “No Names, No Faces” Rule. That is, I don’t want to know her name or see her picture, hear the gory details etc, and I honor this request as well. Things are a lot less complicated this way.

My best friend got into a serious relationship a few years ago and her boyfriend wanted to “be open” about their previous liaisons (who, what, when, where, why, how) and she was honest with him. Turns out he knew & worked with a quick fling of hers. He was livid even though it happened a year or so before him. Granted the boyfriend is a jerk anyway, this has been a tense spot for them ever since because he is the jealous type. He never lets her forget that he is unhappy who she dated years ago. Don’t let this happen to you - it’s water under the bridge.

12

Post Script:

Breezy, I am assuming that you otherwise have a good relationship and love your husband. If there aren’t martial problems, please don’t let this turn into one. I’m not sure how often you talk about this issue but I’m certain it doesn’t make him feel good. After a while he is going to feel defensive (if he doesn’t already) - he didn’t cheat on you, so in his eyes he didn’t do anything wrong. Let this go, for the well being of your marriage.

She was the “rebound” girl - just because he could sleep with her doesn’t mean he was over you, quite obviously he wasn’t over you at all, because he married you.

13

Well that is a relief! I am sorry if I made any bad pictures appear in your head! :slight_smile:

If you really do want to get over it then don’t push for the name. Knowing the name will probably make it harder to get over.

Making him promise that she will never come to the house might be a bit hard. What happens when you tell him “Amy is coming for dinner tomorrow” and he says “No!! Amy can’t come over here!”? Then you know who it is. Or he doesn’t say anything but if you ever find out who she is then you will feel like he lied to you.

If you decide you don’t want to know and you aren’t going to push for the name then you have to let it go. Don’t put any unreasonable demands on him.

14

Good Point, I withdraw that portion of my advice. It’s all or none and the best way to go is “none”.

15

Drop it. Drop it. Drop it.

Every time “who” pops into your head, think Elizabeth Taylor. She was breezing through your small town while you and hubby were “on break” and had a one night stand with your now hubby (then, ex-boyfriend) during her brief visit.

What happens if you know who. Will you want to know the gory details. Trust me (I had an ex-husband who used to cheat), knowing isn’t any better.

(If you absolutely need to know, ask him to tell you who on your 25th anniversary. By then, it shouldn’t matter a lick).

16

I concur with all the previous advice: let it go. I think Dangerosa is spot-on about the 25th anniversary thing–by then it won’t matter, but you won’t have to feel like it’s this big permanent secret.

It seems to me that one thing that is bugging you is not so much what your husband did, but what you think it means–that for you, if you broke up with a man and slept with another man the next day, it would mean you weren’t really that in love with the first one. Since that’s true for you (and me, too, btw), it’s very easy to project that image onto your partner.

However, people (of all genders, not just men) are different. They have different reactions to things. Who knows what his logic was? He may have been hurting, in unberable pain at losing you, and thought this would be a way to just make the god damn pain stop for a minute. He may have felt he had something to prove. It may not have been about him at all, it might have been someone he felt sorry for. Who knows? But it wasn’t about not missing you, because if it was, he wouldn’t have come back.

In fact, it is entirely possible that sleeping with this girl is the thing that finally convinced him that he didn’t want to be with anyone else, he wanted to be with you. If your marrige is good in all other regards, be glad things worked out.

Last, quit worrying about the other woman. As others have pointed out, it can’t help to know. It might help you to remember that this is only new to you, becasue you recently found out about it. To the other woman, this is old, old news, and she dosen’t know about this “new development”–nothing has changed except your knowledge of it. What if it is some chick you know, who was going through a really, really rough time of her own, got drunk and had a fling with your husband–which she deeply, deeply regrets–and has since met a great guy, fallen deeply in love, and had a kid with? This is something that happened to a completely different woman and has nothing to do with the woman she is now. The woman she was then dosen’t even exist anymore.

17

I’ve been in that situation. Knowing really does take away some of the stress, it is a huge relief, but it will make you trust him less. If you believe that it is somebody that you both know, there’s no way that you will ever feel comfortable with him going out with his friends, or with your friends, ever again. In your mind, if it was that easy for him to sleep with one of his (or your) friends while you were broken up, it shouldn’t be any harder now, and that is a really tough thing to get over. I don’t know if I have any advice for you, just what happened with me. I found out who, and I never trusted them together ever again. I even felt betrayed for something that happened while we weren’t together.

If you really want to know, but make sure that you really do want to know, then ask and find out, and don’t let it go.

But if you think that it will be more harmful to your marriage than it will benefit your peace of mind, try as much as you can to get over it. I know that’s empty advice, because you won’t get over it. But try to make it insignificant. Think about all of the guys that you were interested in and might have gone out with or would have had a fling with, and take solace in your own little secrets. That’s the best thing that helped me.

-foxy

18

Be careful of what you ask for…

I think it’s admirable that your husband was honest with you, but I think he feels that you can’t handle all the information which is why he’s not naming names. If you want people to be honest with you, you have to illustrate that you can handle the honesty otherwise you get lied to or you get incomplete information.

It is in your best interest to let this go. He wasn’t cheating, he did nothing wrong.

19

He should’ve told the whole story or none of the story. What a situation to be in! I hate that crap! I have an ex who put me through something similar… all the details, but no names. Gee, thanks.

I think knowing who it is exactly will ease the anxiety. Then she doesn’t have to worry whenever the husband is out and about. Otherwise, almost every woman is suspect. That’s how I’d look at it anyway. I think Breezy has a right to know since the husband told her everything but the name. They’re married, they’re together, so what harm is there in saying the woman’s name? As Breezy pointed out, she doesn’t have a sister, and her best friend is her husband’s sister. So it isn’t likely someone that Breezy would feel betrayed by… therefore, it wouldn’t likely be a huge emotional rollercoaster to finding out the woman’s name.

I’m glad he was honest enough to tell you, Breezy, but I really hope he tells you her name. It’s only fair at this point, especially since he knows it’s bothering you.

20

He should’ve told the whole story or none of the story. What a situation to be in! I hate that crap! I have an ex who put me through something similar… all the details, but no names. Gee, thanks.

I think knowing who it is exactly will ease the anxiety. Then she doesn’t have to worry whenever the husband is out and about. Otherwise, almost every woman is suspect. That’s how I’d look at it anyway. I think Breezy has a right to know since the husband told her everything but the name. They’re married, they’re together, so what harm is there in saying the woman’s name? As Breezy pointed out, she doesn’t have a sister, and her best friend is her husband’s sister. So it isn’t likely someone that Breezy would feel betrayed by… therefore, it wouldn’t likely be a huge emotional rollercoaster to finding out the woman’s name.

I’m glad he was honest enough to tell you, Breezy, but I really hope he tells you her name. It’s only fair at this point, especially since he knows it’s bothering you. Like I said, I have very recently gone through something similar and it bothered the hell out of me. Still does, actually. I wouldn’t care one bit if I knew names… but since I don’t, when the ex would tell me “I saw so-and-so today”, or “I went to the bar with these people”, I would wonder if any of the women were “the one”.