Humorous Sayings

In My Humble Opinion
1

Please, leave out the, “Even a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” sort of profound twaddle. Certainly none of the noxious “Today is the first day of the rest of your life” drivel. We’re looking for solidly funny old sayings.

Here’s a few:

Winter teaches a naked woman how to knit.
[sup]DANISH SAYING[/sup]

The gift everybody gives but nobody takes, advice.
[sup]FRENCH SAYING[/sup]

People who brag about their ancestors are like potatoes,
the best part is underground.
[sup]FRENCH SAYING[/sup]

2

'Twas a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.

– W. C. Fields

3

God gives you your friends, and the Devil gives you your family.
[sup]FRENCH SAYING[/SUP]

4

Don’t know how old this is, but it is funny to me:

  • Jesse Jackson
5

It’s raining like a sow pissing on a flat rock

6

its better to stay quiet and appear stupid than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

  • Mark Twain.
7

Close only counts in horseshoes and grenades.

8

I heard that one as “Close only counts in hand grenades and horseshoes.” There’s more of a rythym to it, don’t you think?

9

“She had a face like a bulldog licking piss off’f a nettle”

10

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly is to the bone.

11

“Spain deserves France for a neighbor.” Portuguese saying

12

She has a body of temptation, and a face of repentance.

13

“bird in the hand is worth 2 in the bush”

what?!?

14

A woman with no past has no future - Oscar Wilde

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx

Love is like quicksilver in the hand. Leave the fingers open and it stays. Clutch it, and it darts away. - Dorothy Parker

15

  • Happy as a bastard on Father’s Day.

  • Busier than a bricklayer in Beirut.

  • As useful as an ashtray on a motorbike.

  • You’re as funny as a fart in an elevator.

  • A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

  • On the other hand you have different fingers.

  • I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

  • You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

  • Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose, with the exception of guppies…who like to eat theirs. - P. J. O’Rourke.

  • In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. - Douglas Adams.

  • You live and learn. At any rate, you live. - Douglas Adams.

  • Television has brought back murder into the home…where it belongs. Alfred Hitchcock.

  • I’ve been accused of vulgarity. I say that’s bullshit. - Mel Brooks.

16

As useless as a condom in a convent.

I wouldn’t cross the street to piss on his ass if his piles were on fire.

17

“May those who love us, love us. And those who don’t love us, may God turn their hearts. And if he doesn’t turn their hearts, may he turn their ankles, so we’ll know them by their limping.”

Irish Saying

18

I heard this secondhand. An older couple went to the doctor. The old man told the doctor to be careful giving his wife an injection. The old man warned the doctor that she “would squeal like a pig stuck under a gate”.

19

I just love this one:

You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can’t pick your friend’s nose.

What?

20

“There are no stupid questions. Only stupid people.”

I don’t know where that comes from, but I love it.