Sounds to me like he’s found his sugar momma. She keeps his businesses afloat, she helps him run his mayoral campaign, she puts a roof over his head and food in his mouth, and he doesn’t have to lift a finger. Maybe a healthy dose of rent payments would help him understand how good he’s got it, because then hed have to take a 4th job that actually pays him money.
Yep, and one person’s encouragement is another person’s “well, that satisfied her, who knew I could get by with so little.”
You know what some people like more than praise for doing chores? Not being nagged to do chores.
Girl, you aren’t just frustrated. You sound resentful. I don’t blame you, though.
Has he expressed the desire to contribute more to your household’s finances? Or does he seem comfortable in being carried by you indefinitely, and only says the right things when you raise the issue?
I hope this doesn’t piss you off but I find this just hilarious.
It sounds like a Simpsons episode;
MARGE: Homer when are you going to clean out the garage?!
HOMER: Can’t Marge, running for Mayor!
I just pray he isn’t running on a platform of cleaning up City Hall.
No, it’s an awful sore spot with him - he hates not being able to contribute money. He grew up in a family where the men were the breadwinners, and I know it really rankles to be so dependent on me. The businesses were actually doing quite well until the economy hit, so he’s in the same boat as a lot of other people - trying to wait it out, I guess. So what happens is that I argue very badly - I pick and pick and pick at the “but I pay the mortgage!” thing because in the heat of the moment I want to hurt him. Which is not the way to argue usefully, I know. I’m trying to be better about that.
The election’s two weeks from now - after that hopefully we’ll get back on the good roll we were on with organization.
Hey, mayor is a paying job!
What if the loca news want to interview the candidate at home? (Or you could suggest to him that they might - its worth a shot! 
That’s good. I mean, it’s not good that he isn’t able to contribute money, but at least he has enough pride to care.
Thanks to all who have chimed in. (And sorry for staying away for so long. I was kinda skeered to read the responses. I have started then ditched this thread before posting a gazillion times. I am relieved to find out that no one thinks I’m a high-maintenance bitch for wanting a relatively clean house.)
Some background info. We’ve been married 32 years. If you want to read more about the dynamics of our relationship, here’s a thread I started four years ago. It may explain a lot about why I have, as someone correctly pegged, a problem with confrontation.
I think my marriage is beyond saving. He has never been available to me emotionally, but it took me a long time to figure that out. I have decided to stay for the sake of the kid (who is 14). My goal is to figure out some way to survive the next four years.
Re: Has it always been like this? To some degree, yes. But there’s no question it’s gotten worse over the past few years. (The ranting – see thread linked above – has gotten much worse, too.) He used to have his “office” on the third floor (and that space is now thoroughly trashed). His mess stayed up there. But since he got a laptop, his crap has migrated into our primary living space. The kitchen situation has gotten exponentially worse, and I’m not really sure why.
I have suggested on more than one occasion that he might benefit from talking to a counselor and/or seeking treatment for depression. He has not pursued this.
What I have done so far: I’ve sought out a new psychiatrist (my old one left town) so I could get my depression meds adjusted. The adjustment seems to be helping, at least in terms of my energy level. I still kinda want to slit my throat every time I walk in the house, though. (OK, that’s hyperbole. My point is that the adjustment hasn’t made me not care about the squalor. And I wouldn’t want to be that numb.)
I am working w/ the PDoc to find a therapist who can help me figure out a plan of action and work with me on various other issues (like my avoidance of confrontation, even when said avoidance is increasing my pain.)
I had a cleaning lady (every other week) at one time, when my son was really little. I found it very stressful because I was the one who was getting up at 5:00 a.m. to declutter so the cleaning lady could clean. I am willing to explore this option again, though. My husband recently began collecting his very meager Social Security check, so there is a little extra income.
As I said, it’s very helpful to know I’m not being completely unreasonable in my expectations. I acknowledge that I have not been dealing with it in productive way (yes, “enabling” is an apt term to describe it).
So, thank you all again for taking the time to respond.
Missed the edit window. Why stay until the kid is 18? In addition to the whole issue of not wanting to subject my kid to monumental upheaval at this time in his life (he is very close to his father), I might end up with the short end of the stick. When I first began looking into divorce, I was advised by a lawyer that my husband could be seen as the primary custodial parent and that I would therefore be ordered to pay both spousal and child support.
IANAL, but it seems odd to me that your husband, who has a near-squalor level cleaning problem, and has no job, would be considered the primary custodial parent.
That said, since your most recent post has made it clear that you no longer have any hope of preserving your marriage in the long-term, I’d start just removing his shit from the main living areas, with a shovel if necessary. I’m not kidding. Here’s what I’d do. Give him a deadline for cleaning up his shit from a particular area. When/if the deadline isn’t met, dump everything into a big garbage bag, or a box, or something. Store it out of sight. Give him a new deadline - if he hasn’t gone through the box/bag by then, it goes to the dumpster. Once you’ve de-trashed the main living areas, hire a cleaning service to come every so often to keep things reasonably neat and tidy as encouragement to keep it that way, and continue with your bagging/boxing routine. Try to keep everything as neutral and unemotional as possible.
And good luck. I do not envy your situation.
Here’s a proposal, OP: Maybe by the time you’ve kicked his sorry ass out, same-sex marriage will be legal in your state if it’s not already. I am willing to move in and marry you, and take care of all of the housework and the cooking and the laundry. You will just continue to work like you do now, except your house will be clean, and I will not work, but stay home all day. Oh, and we’ll have to have an open marriage, because I’m not gay. Okay? Sounds like a pretty sweet deal to me- why doesn’t your husband think so?
That sounds AWESOME! Unfortunately, I live in Ohio. Same-sex marriage won’t be legal in our lifetimes. OTH, my employer extends benefits to domestic partners. Hmmmm…
Ohio?? Oh, um… I just remembered I’m going to be busy washing my hair. (Unless you want to move to AZ.)
Thanks for getting my hopes all up! :mad:
I think your therapist will probably talk to you about expectations. If you really think you’re just hanging in there for four more years then you’ll be gone like a shot, you can adjust your expectations accordingly. You’re not aiming for a happy, functional marriage - you’re aiming for bearable for four more years.
Your husband doesn’t sound like he’s going to change or start pulling his weight, so your expectation for that needs to get realistic, too - you are likely going to continue working fulltime AND doing all the cleaning and tidying while you live with him. In some ways, that’s kind of freeing - you really don’t have much to lose here.
Can you start with his office on the third floor - throw out the garbage and crap in it, and start migrating his stuff back in there again? It sucks and is not fair that you have to do all of this, but it sounds like that’s just the way it is - if you want a better living condition, it has to be you that makes it happen.
If you want a clean home and some help doing it talk to your son and ask him who his two messiest friends are and offer the three of them $20 each and all the pizza they can fit in their bodies if they will come and help you dejunkify your house. There is nothing a teenage kid won’t do for food and some cash and if you use his 2 messiest friends they will be less likely to judge him based on the mess so he won’t be so embarrassed. Then once it is decluttered hire a cleaning lady.
What would happen if you told him you’re only in the marriage until your son turns 18? Would that be an incentive for him to do something?
But seriously, what if you were hit by the proverbial bus tomorrow? Why wait? Your son will be just as upset at 18 as he’ll be at 14. I’ve seen posts here from people in their 20’s and 30’s whose parents are splitting, and it’s nearly as difficult to deal with.
I’d seriously consider moving out, even if you don’t start legal proceedings. It sounds like your mental health is at stake here, and unless your husband is willing to work on things, it might not be worth it to stick around.
Again with the ‘move out’ advice.
The thing is, I’ve seen no indications the OP is financially able to support two households, especially since it appears it would be a stretch to afford a cleaner every couple of weeks. Where is she going to come up with the money to rent another place for her and son to live? Double the rent, double the utilities…
Does she simply stop paying the bills at her current residence? If it’s a house they own, especially if there is a mortgage, she could take a tremendous whack to her finances.
And what happens when her husband sues her for support? She has acquiesced to supporting him these last ten years. A judge might wellorder her to continue paying for his living, at least for a year or so until he can find a job/get retrained. Though if he’s now officially retired, he might hit her with paying support for the rest of husband’s life.
Anyway, besides talking to her therapist (excellent idea) she REALLY needs to consult with a lawyer. Even if she does stick it out for four years, there may be critical moves she needs to start now in order to leave her in a good position when the split comes.