But some of us do need to be told these things, especially if we’ve never been in charge of housecleaning before. Telling us that we shouldn’t need the help we do doesn’t help, and just adds to the frustration.
Can I unload my baggage in your thread? Because this drives me absolutely up the fucking wall, I tell you what. Now, we both work - I work a regular paycheck job. He runs his own business - three of them, actually. I get paid. He doesn’t. But he works longer hours. That’s running a business for you.
It’s my house. We aren’t married. I pay the mortgage, keep the lights on, feed him, etc. Because I’m the sole breadwinner. The house is a shithole because we’re both slobs, but when I bring it up I get:
- “You don’t do anything about it either.” True.
- “I work insanely long hours and come home exhausted.” Also true.
So we’re both “right”, and he gets hurt when my answer to number 1 is that I pay the fucking mortgage and maybe it would be a nice thing for him to change the lightbulbs in the porch light after six months? You think? Since I have terrible balance and don’t like getting on ladders? And since I do all the “man” work around the house anyway as we still wouldn’t have a working toilet if I left it up to him?
Yeah, I’m a slob. I’m a megaslob. But when anything does get cleaned, I’m the one who does it and I can’t fucking stand it.
Ahem. Carry on now, I feel better.
It sounds like he really isn’t pulling his own weight. If none of the businesses are generating income, then perhaps he can drop one or two and focus on the most viable of them. Regardless, he needs to pull his own weight at the home. Changing a porch light shouldn’t take more than ten minutes. As for the rest of it, get a housecleaner to get the house clean, and then have him pick up after himself.
Housecleaner couldn’t do the work that needs to be done initially, really - how would she know where to put stuff? Honestly, we got SO MUCH DONE a few months ago, we were really rolling - and then he decided to run for mayor.
By the way, all of you who told the OP to move out – why? If she’s the only one bringing in money for ten years, I’d say the house is more hers than his.
True, but if she moves out she can start fresh in a new place instead of having to shovel out her spouse’s hoardery mess. Of course, there are cleaning services that will do that for you.
Because having him move out and either leaving his “stuff” (and leaving her to deal with his “stuff” or taking his “stuff” is probably going to create drama and effort that will sabotage the whole separation thing.
He isn’t going to leave his stuff unless she escalates to the police. (If he really is a horder). And that will probably really kill the marriage.
Advice to move out or kick him out isn’t good advice. And since she’s allowed this to go on for 10 years, then she’s as much responsible for the situation as he is.
That said, I don’t understand the husband’s attitude and lack of effort. If I were home all day (oh I wish this was a possibility :D), I’d take care of ALL of the housework.
Forgot to add one idea that has been touched on already, and is making my marriage a better place - both my husband and I have our own offices in the house. My office is where I decorate the walls with butterflies and keep my stuff, and his office is where he has all his clutter (he likes to have a lot more stuff around him than I do) and sports stuff and little men (sports figurines), etc. Stuff that gets left in the common areas gets trucked back to our offices - I don’t have to worry about Jim leaving his stuff in the dining room or living room and causing a scene by moving it - I just haul it down to his room.
The dirty house is a symptom, not the disease. Even if the husband decided to start pitching in tomorrow there would still be a huge problem here and that is what needs to be addressed. The OP needs to sit down with her husband, hopefully with a trained therapist or trusted advisor, and work out what the real problem is and lay out some expectations. I’m more worried for the teenager than for the two parents.
This guy has managed to get by doing nothing for 10 years and a little nagging isn’t going to change that. Sounds like where I would be if I could get away with my own laziness and if I didn’t love my wife enough to see, or care, where we that was taking us. The husband needs to be told he cannot continue on his current path.
If and when he does do some housecleaning, how do you respond?
Do you complain about how he didn’t do some other chores, or how he didn’t do a good job on what he did, or how he didn’t do whatever earlier? Do you re-do or touch up the chores he’s done, to make sure they’re done “right”? Do you say nothing- it’s his job to do this, so he shouldn’t expect to be acknowledged or thanked?
Or do you thank him nicely for doing it?
The former approach doesn’t exactly encourage anyone to do chores. Why would he want to do them, if the only thing that’s going to happen is that you’re going to complain about it? Then, it’s a choice between hearing you complain about how he did the chores (or about the chores he didn’t do), or hearing you complain that he didn’t do them. Not much difference there. It’s also extremely demoralizing to know you will never be able to do chores to your spouse’s standards. Why do them, if s/he is just going to re-do them after you do them “wrong”?
You may think this is his job, and he shouldn’t expect to be praised for doing his job. But what does it cost you to thank and praise him for doing something you wanted? A couple breaths and a few seconds, that’s all.
Horseshit. You’re blaming the victim. It sounds like she’s been on him about it for ten years.
Even if she’d only started talking to him about it last week, he’s a big boy. Big boys don’t wallow in their own filth. Sometimes - if not most of the time - the only way to deal with a partner who is determined to avoid acting like a grownup, for whatever reason, is to leave them behind.
That might work, or it might backfire (and it may be part of the ten year problem). If he is rewarded with praise for minimal effort, he may never move beyond the minimal. We have that problem with my daughter. You can’t praise her for minimal effort. The praise is the check in the “good nuf, now I can watch t.v.” box. There isn’t a drive in her to be rewarded with praise and thanks.
And I know where she gets it from. I do way better work and put in a lot more effort when I’m encouraged to do better instead of people being amazed I can do the stupid shit.
Have a heart to heart, non-accusatory conversation with your husband. If that doesn’t work, hire a house cleaner and pay him/her from the money you normally give your husband, assuming that you give him spending money to live off of.
Wow, I’ve started a couple different responses to this OP and there are so many layers to the fucked-upness that it really can’t be simply addressed.
Or can it?
OP, do you want a change bad enough that you are willing to leave him if he doesn’t change? Because that’s probably what it’s going to take if you’ve been begging and crying for 10 years already. To be fair, you should give him one last chance. I would try and see a therapist together and in the mean time work as a whole family to get the house clean and keep it that way, but with the understanding that as long as he doesn’t have a job he’s going to be responsibe for most of the chores. The whole family should change current behavior to make it easier for him though, like making sure you pick up after yourselves. No one should have to clean up after a bunch of slobs.
Either he agress to this, or you’re out. Given what you’ve said, there’s no excuse that’s good enough to account for this lazy freeloader. He’ll probably say that he doesn’t have enough time because of his treasurer position. Well, tough shit for him, he’ll have to drop it. It’s a bullshit excuse anyway as he should be able to spend no more than 2 hours a day cleaning (if that) to maintain the house. Currently, his actions (or lack of) speak louder than words and they’re saying that he cares more about his volunteer crap than you, his son, and his house. If he’s really spending that much time on his position, then he should be getting paid and that just makes him stupid on top of lazy. Sorry to be harsh, but what the fuck have you been thinking the last ten years? I really don’t understand how people can live like that.
There’s a fine line, though, between “encourage to do better” and “criticize”, though, and you don’t want to cross it. Trouble is, some people are more sensitive to criticism than others, and one person’s encouragement to do better can be another’s criticism.
There’s a huge difference between “Thank you for doing X. Could you please do Y?” and “You did X? How come you never do Y?”
[Moderator Note]At least he knows the difference between IMHO and The BBQ Pit.[/Moderator Note]
Is the OP the same poster in the slave/master relationship thingy?
No.
Might as well be.