On the morning of the day my son’s friend was to spend the night, I at least spoke up, with something along the lines of, “Once again, we’re in the position of having guests, and the house is an embarrassing mess, and I am very angry and frustrated. I don’t know why we have to live like this. In fact, I don’t know what you do all day.”
My husband immediately went all snarly and said “I work all day, for the [non-profit]!” I responded, “Then your priorities are fucked up, because you are not compensated for that work.” And then I left for my day job.
And…nothing has changed. So I’ve decided my next move is to tell him that if he truly is incapable of handling the housework, I will take vacation time to get the worst of the mess handled, and then I’ll hire cleaning help to maintain things. And I’ll tell him that I resent having to use my vacation days in this way.
It’s a big, fucked-up mess. I’m trying to take it one bite at a time.
Is he perhaps under the impression that he is free to work on the non-profit all day because you’re taking care of the bills? And he figures that you’re actually the one who should be doing the housework even though you work, because that’s what women are supposed to do? In other words, from his perspective, you’re the one not pulling your weight? Not saying he’s right, but maybe that’s where he’s coming from.
You’re going to give up vacation days, then pay a housecleaner?
For someone caught in a codependent relationship this is not a step forward. It’s just more enabling. It’s the same dance, different tune. And the clue is, yet more resentment for you.
What does your therapist think of this, ‘one bite’, you’re taking?
Freckafree, I hope we don’t scare you off with our harsher remarks, and that you will still keep posting here how you are doing. But yes, from the outside perspective, you are taking not a baby step forward, but an enabling step backward.
It is a good thing that you are looking to get cleaning help. Be prepared to ask several prospective cleaners; some feel decluttering is part of their job, some don’t.
FWIW: when we got a cleaning lady, our husband pretty much stopped doing his part of the cleaning chores. But I was okay with that, because we agreed that the cleaning ladies’ paycheck comes out of HIS pocket. Our deal was that he paid the cleaning lady and I stopped nagging him, and that worked beautifully.
How would your husband feel if you asked him to pay for the cleaning lady out of some money he still has? Has he got any money of his own? Would it encourage him to go get out and get a tiny paying job, jsut to pay her? Some men hate to be at home when a cleaning lady is around, and that incentive enough for them to at least leave the house.
OF COURSE nothing has changed. Clearly telling him how you feel isn’t working.
You need to figure out why you continue to allow a grown man to sponge off of you. Seriously. He must be doing something for you that causes you to get up everyday and go to work to feed him, clothe him, and shelter him with nothing in return, and by nothing I mean not even a smidgeon of respect. Even children are expected to do chores.
Personally, I’d use my vacation days to go on vacation with my son. And I’d tell him that if the house wasn’t clean when you returned, you expected him to be gone. And MEAN IT. Until you’re ready to throw him out, nothing’s going to change.
So basically, you’re telling him that if he holds out long enough and acts like an ass, you’ll give up your precious vacation time and your own hard-earned money to take of his problem.
I’ve been there, so I know how it is. Trust me - that is not a step forward.
Good for you. He’s not changing, but you are changing the way *you *live. I’m glad to hear you are getting a cleaning service. I think you will feel much better after it’s started.
(I’m afraid I’m still in the dump-him-and-get-out camp, but you’ve gotta do what you *can *do, one step at a time.)
/tagging this for a later read; lord knows I could use some advice, too. There’s got to be something in between screeching harpy and sullen martyr. >.<
Do you really have to use your vacation days to clean? Can you clean your house on evenings and weekends to get ready for having a housecleaner come in? It sounds like taking vacation days to clean is something that you’d be doing to get back at him - something you can throw in his face, but it will end up hurting you worse than him, because he doesn’t care.
You might consider that, by allowing this situation to endure, you are not doing your husband any good, either. He obvioously has problems he needs to adress; his social problems with insecurity and anger that got him fired and prevent him from getting any job, other then a volunteer job, which must hinder his sense of self-worth; the swearing and cursing he directs at himself, the world, and maybe his family; his loneliness and lack of a love life (in all respects) with you, his wife; and his feeling of powerlessness to adress any of these problems, including the housework.
I know that you probably think your husband would be worse off without you. I disagree; I think that you leaving him would force him to face some of his problems and that he would be better off for that.
Since all the normal, sensible suggestions have already been made, I say sign up for Wife Swap USA (if it’s still on) and let some other woman have a go at him for a while.
I’m having vision of Freckafree cleaning the house with a shovel, and having nothing left when she’s done -“There! The fucking house is clean! Are you fucking happy?”
