Husbands, how do you cope..

In My Humble Opinion
61

You just described me back in my PMS days to a complete T :slight_smile:

One of the more interesting aspects of menopause is how much your hormones really do regulate everything. There’s no way I’d say I’m “meaner” than I was when I was still menstruating, but I’ve noticed that I don’t suffer fools as gladly now as I did then: My patience is not only at an all time low, but I’m more apt to honestly tell you the unvarnished truth rather than “pretty” it up like I used to. It’s amazing how the estrogen drop affects some women…

62

In our household we have two monthly holidays; Squidgemas Day and Squeester. They usually fall one right after the other with the actual period portion following a day or two later; and otherwise nothing is too bad.

On Squidgemas Day, she is weepy. Nothing is going right, everything is overwhelming, she is a failure, she is fat, she is ugly, squidge, squidge, squidge. Usually nothing I do is helpful or right either. Luckily, we have a “safe word” type protocal for this to alleviate the worst of the fussing at each other. “Hey. You are being a jerk; stop it. I love you.” When this sentence is used, she knows that her hormones have gotten the best of her and she makes an effort to pull herself together. Hugs are needed. On really bad days I will go to the pub for a few hours to let her have some alone time.

On Squeester, she is maniacally chipper! The sky is blue! little birds are singing Disney-esque songs on her shoulders and I am a God of Sex to be propitiated as often and vigorously as possible. I like Squeester.

63

I have found that Quaaludes and a quart of scotch tend to work pretty well but sometimes I can’t convince her to drink the scotch.

64

Always max your stats in “Move Silently” and “Hide” btw. :wink:

65

I know this was directed at the men on the board, but a bit of advice from a female: it’s a good idea to have a hobby and area where you can hide. But make sure you don’t leave in the heat of a conversation. Things will not go well.

My first reaction seeing this thread was, “Oh my God! How sexist!” Unfortunately, I must meekly admit to acting almost exactly like lorene and it shockingly happens about two days every month with a certain amount of regularity. Dammit.

What helps is my husband telling me he loves me afterward and hugging me a lot.

66

I also forgot to answer the actual OP. My husband copes by being nicer to me when I’m weepy and telling me I’m being a dick when I’m being a dick. He may also take longer bike rides, but I’m not sure it doesn’t just seem like that.

67

I make sure to steer the conversation to topics that will provide a third-person target for the vented spleen. Meaning, that one chick at work who really pisses her off, the girlfriend who always flakes out on her, the shitty thing her mom did, Republicans, the mechanic who tried to rip her off that one time…

And then I mix her a cocktail.

I’m not proud of the tactic, but it’s effective.

68

[QUOTE=lorene]
For me it’s more like RAGE rage rage justified rage, and then the realization that I am being irrational. So, I apologize and then 90% of the time I start to cry and talk about what a jerk I am and how no one should have to put up with me. Minutes later, it can be RAGE rage rage justified rage again.

[/QUOTE]

[QUOTE=MsWhatsit]
For me it’s more like suddenly everyone around me is doing things to deliberately annoy me, and then after several hours to a day of trying to suppress my incredible frustration and irritation with this
[/QUOTE]

Look, if I had a condition that once a month for a couple of days I suddenly thought “everyone around me is doing things to deliberately annoy me”, or felt “RAGE rage rage justified rage”, and then, after this was over, realized that these feelings were irrational (and they led me to some behavior that hurt my loved ones), I’d first try to move heaven and earth to stop this from happening. From taking pills, to more exercise (which has been shown to help some women with PMS symptoms), to psychotherapy, anything. I would try anything to make this stop.

I assume women who suffer from this have also tried a ton of stuff to make it stop, since it is so unpleasant for them, and therefore I guess modern medicine has no real cure/answer for this.

So, assuming that there is no cure for this, if I knew that my behavior during these irrational times hurt the ones around me and, especially, hurt my loved ones, I would take extreme measures, like that guy from Memento, who tattooed stuff on his body since he had no memory. I would simply tattoo something like “Everyone around me is NOT doing things to deliberately annoy me” or “Check your PMS calendar if you feel RAGE” on my wrist, so I look at it often and it helps keeps me sane. Of course, this is a silly example, but basically, I would go to extremes and not just throw my hands up and use after-the-fact apologies as my strategy of getting through this.

Finally, I’d like to know how uncontrollable this really is. Basically when you are in these moods, do you take it out on just about anyone, or only the ones who are close to you, your loved ones? That is, do you shout and act irrationally towards your boss, or a police officer? What if you met the CEO of your company that day, would you act terribly towards him/her, and then apologize profusely?

I assume, and from experience I have seen, that people who “have a temper” (either generally, or during hormonal swings) are indeed quite judicious about who they take their anger out on. That means that there is at least some part of the logical brain that can reason and control the temper (e.g. “I’m talking to the CEO right now, so I better be on my best behavior and not call her a slut”)

Which means that the terrible behavior during these times of the month towards loved ones is not uncontrollable, it’s just that the person with the terrible behavior chooses to not override the bad mood with a logical calculation. That is, if your brain can think and obey the thought “I’m talking to the CEO right now, so I better be on my best behavior and not call her a slut”, why can’t it think and obey the thought “I’m talking to my boyfriend/husband right now, so I better be on my best behavior and not call him a jerk”?

It seems to me like a matter of respect. Women who take out their bad moods due to PMS on their boyfriends/husbands/partners don’t respect them enough, at least don’t respect them as much as they do other figures (police officers, the boss, the CEO, the President), to not show their terrible side to them, to not insult them/hurt them.

69

Polerius, please find a woman in the midst of hormonal imbalance and explain that to her. Wait, first, get your affairs in order, notify your next of kin, then try it. We’ll send flowers.

70

Brilliant. Although, I’ll never be able to cut a cigar without it sending shivers down my spine and into my loins.

But a vagina doll with the sweet scent of fine tobacco? Sniffing the vagina dolls will now make much more sense; but still just as creepy.

71

I don’t “take out” my moods on anybody. However, I am also under no delusions that my emotional state has zero effect on those around me, as was suggested by at least one person up-thread.

And yes, I’ve tried many solutions including medication, and no, tattooing “It’s just PMS” on my wrist has no effect on hormonally-based mood swings, and yes, I know that many of you swell fellows would instantly divorce/never marry in the first place someone who experiences this, so save the commentary. Luckily my husband seems to think I’m enjoyable enough to have around the other 90% of the time.

72

Women do not live, 24/7, with the boss, CEO, president, whatever. The fact is that men and women both tend to take out their craptastic days on the people around them. The people who spend the most time around them, are their spouses. Mystery solved.

73

I take pills. I run 40 miles a week. I see a therapist. ANd yes, I still have a few days that suck mightily. The rage moments are just those…moments. The weepiness lasts longer. I do what I can, and use cognitive behavioral coping skills, and I don’t know what else you think I can do to stop this from happening. I guess it’s like how diabetics need to stop their pancreases from going hoopy once in a while.

You’ve excluded the middle. Both Ms Whatsit and I have said that we don’t just throw our hands up. Isn’t it possible that someone can be working actively on trying to change or cope, yet still have bad moments?

I spend a lot of time during these days being deeply irritated by coworkers. I get more angry in traffic. Yes, my loved ones seem irritating. But most of the time while all of this is happening, it is only in my head. I keep my mouth shut. I use coping skills. I breathe deeply a lot. At work, I go into the bathroom and cry sometimes. I just do. At home, I go into the bedroom and cry sometimes. I leave the house. Go for a run.

I don’t think you understand that the person who is hurt most by these horrible days of depression and anger and irritation is me. In fact, I don’t think you understand much about this at all.

Again, it’s entirely possible to experience moods without *taking them out *on anybody.

74

Throw chocolate at her and run

75

I like your ideas and wish to subscribe to your newsletter.

76

I am the one who said it’s inexcusable to take it out on other people…but it’s not inexcusable to feel that way in the first place, and I don’t see how you can help it! As I said, when my period comes close, I just cry at everything. I know what is happening, I know it is the time, and I don’t take it out on him (but I don’t feel the rage) but I still feel it. It varies from month to month, too, so you may think you finally have it under control, when it still acts up.

There is a mountain of difference between:

I am a super bitch during PMS and I hate it and I try not to be

and

I am a super bitch during PMS and I revel in it! Fear me! ROAR!

It was the second type of woman I was complaining about. My old boss used to be like that. We’d know when it was her period because she’d snap at us about totally irrational shit. And whine. I hated it so much because it would bring the entire mood of the office down.

But there are the rest of the women, that feel like their bodies have been taken over by a spector. And I know they do the best they can.
ETA: throws a bunch of chocolate into the thread and runs

77

[quote=“Anaamika, post:76, topic:597632”]

I am the one who said it’s inexcusable to take it out on other people…but it’s not inexcusable to feel that way in the first place, and I don’t see how you can help it! As I said, when my period comes close, I just cry at everything. I know what is happening, I know it is the time, and I don’t take it out on him (but I don’t feel the rage) but I still feel it. It varies from month to month, too, so you may think you finally have it under control, when it still acts up.

I am a super bitch during PMS and I hate it and** I try not to be**.
That must be a superhuman effort.:slight_smile:

78

Yes, how *do *you poor, put upon men *ever *cope?:rolleyes:

is what I’d say if I was PSMing:D

Seriously though, women may have a more defined time of misery but if you dudes think you’re never hard to be around you’ve taken too many Pamprin (and that includes you, Ascenray).But, in the spirit of the discussion I agree that PMS is not a free ticket to Be a Flamin’ Bitch City. However it helps to be aware that it’s happening and realize that sometimes you just aren’t going to be able to help the way you feel. If I’m feeling especially nasty I warn my boyfriend that maybe we should keep our distance for a day. I know that’s not really possible when you live together but if both of you know her cycle and can keep in mind that for the most part it’s the hormones talking you can both take extra steps to make those few days easier on one another.

79

The second type of woman is definitely much much worse, but the first one, as described is not blameless. That is, you describe the first one as trying not to be, but in fact being a super-bitch during PMS. And this is in line with comments from some women in this thread that no matter how much they try, they do end up behaving badly sometimes and then apologize for it once they realize what they did.

Basically, the reason I say that they are not blameless is that the there is the whole “I try so hard to not act bitchy to my husband, but sometimes it happens anyway” attitude by some women, and that phrasing implies that this is beyond their control, since they try so hard and it happens anyway. But the fact that these same women are not bitchy to people who matter (like their boss), means it is controllable, it means that there is some level of control from the logical part of the brain, and so when it does happen towards the people that are close to the woman, it means that she is effectively choosing not to stop that behavior.

For example, your boss who was super-bitchy to you and your coworkers during her PMS, I would bet a lot of money that if the CEO of the company came by, she would be on her best behavior towards him/her. So there is part of the brain which can regulate this, if the woman thinks the person they are talking to deserves better treatment. So, when some women treat their husbands/boyfriends like shit during PMS, it implies that these women don’t think their husbands/boyfriends are in the category of people who deserve better treatment.

FTR: Anything I said above does not apply to women who do try to fight this and succeed in not behaving badly and hurting their loved ones.

80

Then that’s a more general discussion for both genders. “People, how do you handle it when your spouse is angry/stressed at <work, his/her family situation, a health issue, the economy, the guy who cut him/her off in traffic, etc> and tries not to take it out at you but sometimes gets in a bad mood anyhow?”

There’s your thread. I look forward to reading your answer, sindce it’s clear that you have complete mastery over your moods at all times.