(TMI) Ladies, how do I tell "real" anger or sadness from PMS?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Some background info first. Since I’ve been pregnant, my hormonal cycle has been reset. And as I’m currently on Mirena, an hormonal IUD, it is hard to tell in which hormonal phase I am on a given day.

But it seems like I will have to keep track anyway.

In the past few weeks, I’ve had two rather spectacular rows with my husband. The first one was while we visited his sister. There we were, visiting my husband’s sister, and I got swept with a wave of sadness and anger that made me want to snap at my husband, and retreat in a dark corner at the smae time. Which is kinda difficult if you are in polite company. I tried to snap out of it, and but I just. could. not. Long story short, I behaved so badly I felt I had to send my SIL a big bunch of flowers and a note of apology afterwards. :frowning:

A couple days ago, I got totally bitchy at my husband again. I was vile, calling him a loser, telling him I wanted him out of my house, etcetera. There was a trigger (he forgot to pay an important bill) but it certainly wasn’t enough to merit the verbal lashing the poor guy got from me.

When I got to be my reasonable self again, my husband and I looked at the dates and saw that both of these rows took place on the tenth. That could hardly be a coincidence, right?
I never have had PMS from age 20 to 37, but I guess it has finally caught up with me. Well, anyway, I was relieved to be able to blame PMS, instead of having to think of myself as Mrs Jekyll and Hyde. Or from having to divorce my husband, who, on most days of the month, is a dear. :slight_smile:

So ladies, tell me about your own fits of rage-induced PMS. If day one is the first day of spotting, then on what day do you get cranky? Is there any way, except for counting the days, for you to tell if what you feel is real, or hormonally induced?

Guys, you are welcome to share PMS-anecdotes from your SO’s as well.

2

I’m usually pretty mellow when I’m actually having my period. It’s the week before when I have to really watch it. It’s been getting worse as I start to edge into perimenopause–anxiety, short fuse, spaciness. I can usually hardly wait to get back on the “real” pills.

3

I once seriously considered putting a kitchen knife through DoctorJ’s head for not taking out the garbage fast enough. Not that he was lollygagging and “getting around to it” or anything; he was actually in the act of taking it out, but he wasn’t moving fast enough to suit me. And 20 seconds later I wanted to collapse sobbing in a corner because I was a horrible person to have thoughts like that, and if I weren’t such a shitty housekeeper he wouldn’t need to take the trash out anyway, and and and…

I was always prone to mood swings in the few days before my period, but over the years it got a lot more intense and longer-lasting until I felt ready for the booby hatch almost half the month.

Thank Og for the Mirena. It totally leveled me out, but everybody reacts to hormones differently.

For me, there’s frequently a little voice in the back of my head either during or shortly after the set-to, sitting back and asking “WTF? Are you crazy? What in the name of Og is your damn problem, anyway?” Some part of me seems to recognize that a given reaction is outside my normal range, and when I hear that little voice I try to make a conscious effort to control my behavior. And apologize to anyone whose head I’ve torn off.

4

I didn’t get PMS until my mid-20s, and it seems to be getting worse with age. I can tell my “real” anger (or, more often, sadness) from PMS only by comparing the PMS to the real thing. Meaning, if I find that something small is causing me to feel like the world is ending and I’m the biggest idiot who has ever lived, I stop and think if the trigger is something that consistently upsets me, or if this is something I would normally laugh off. If it’s the latter, I know it’s PMS time, baby. (E.g., someone flipping me off in traffic would normally make me think, “Oops!” and make a mental note not to do [whatever] again. If it makes me feel humiliated and like I want to cry because I’m SO STUPID OMG I CAN’T DO ANYTHING RIGHT…that’s PMS. It can be hard to recognize this in the moment, though.)

Since I have really irregular periods, I can’t tell when exactly the mood swings start (in terms of the cycle…since I don’t have a cycle, I have a strange lumpy polygon), but I know when I start crying for little reason, I’ll probably start my period within a week. (I also get ravenously hungry around the same time – another reliable indicator.)

When I was on birth control, it was like having PMS 365 days a year. It sucked and my family hated me. Lots of crying, bitch fits, and impulses toward physical violence (once I nearly hit someone for cutting in my queue at my college library facepalm). Off birth control and left to be irregular, I only have to deal with this misery about four times a year.

5

I don’t get PMS - and for the longest time, didn’t *really *believe in it - until I got pregnant. It was like 6 months of 'roid rage. But as soon as the umbilical cord was cut, it was like I had to ask myself, who the hell was that woman and what can I do to keep her from coming back? Any and everything would set me off - but I was never sad…just irrationally enraged. I physically attacked a classmate because I was absolutely convinced he had stolen my lab experiment. No earthly idea why - it seemed to be gone and he was there. Not that it made it any better, but he was about 6’4", second string quarterback and I was 5’4" and about eight and a half months pregnant. He was horrified and didn’t even defend himself. The professor and the TA had to pull me off him. No issues since delivery (more than 20 years ago). Hormones are a bugger (I personally blame all of it on testosterone leakage from my son. Yeah.).

6

Yep, it seems like my PMS is getting worse with age. First I go through the “nobody likes me” phase, then the burst of energy phase that has me cleaning the house and organizing things, then the anger phase where my husband irritates the crap out of me, then the “I’m fat and need to lose weight because my pants don’t fit” phase, and finally onto the delightful cramps and pain phase.

Guys, aren’t you jealous?

7

The easiest way for me is to tell the difference is to ask myself, how would I normally react? If I normally wouldn’t have as strong a reaction, it’s PMS. Though I find that PMS doesn’t cause mood swings for me, it just amplifies the emotions I would normally feel. So I might find myself yelling at someone over what would normally be just an annoyance.

8

It’s the extremeness of the emotion for me that points to PMS and it does seem to get worse with age. It was really bad for me for a few years after being pregnant, then it decreased and was not very bad for a long time now as I approach menopause it’s back to being bad.

Most recently I felt a murderous rage inside because there were dirty finger prints on the light switch. I also cried for two days for no reason that I can remember now. If I avoid caffeine it doesn’t get quite so extreme.

9

I wish you the best of luck with your Mirena. It is responsible for the last year of PMS hell I have experienced. The doctor took it out last week, and told me it wasn’t that I was getting my period every week, it was that my cervix had been bleeding. :eek: I really can’t describe the pain. It was not a good idea for me.

I am still having trouble adjusting even though it’s out. Last weekend I had some kind of mental breakdown when my husband wouldn’t accompany me to the grocery store. I was so angry that my body was shaking and I was consumed with thoughts of violence. It’s such a physical thing, completely beyond thought, it’s very difficult to use the mere word ‘‘emotion’’ to describe it. I kicked over my laundry basket and then was so ashamed at the outburst that I just started bawling.

As someone with severe emotional mood swings associated with that time of the month, the best way is to completely divorce yourself from the emotion and determine whether what you’re feeling is based on rational thought. This is extremely difficult, so I would advise you practice doing it when you aren’t PMSing.

In the example from before, I knew I was just freaking out, I knew there wasn’t any reality to base my feelings. I also knew I was setting unrealistic expectations for my husband. This prevented me from going even crazier, if you can believe it. Even though I freaked out, I never blamed him or acted out against him, because I had practiced enough rational thinking that I knew nothing was his fault.

So really, the next time you think, ‘‘He’s the most awful person on the planet’’ or ‘‘I’m hideously fat and ugly,’’ or whatever it is you do to yourself or others when you’re hormonal, ask yourself what evidence you have to support your conclusion. Even though it won’t change the way you FEEL, it probably will affect your actions because you will be able to recognize that what you’re going through is completely temporary.

In fact, I’ve gotten to the point where my suffering ends the moment I realize I’m PMSing. I feel so relieved. ‘‘Oh thank God. I’m not actually crazy and doomed to failure. Just hormonal.’’

Anyways that’s my experience. Good luck.

(Don’t let my Mirena story scare you. Lots of people have great success with it.)

10

This was the major factor (I think) that cost me my last relationship (and house, car, etc).

As a guy, I don’t claim to know the horrors of this, and I do have sympathy. I also tried to be as gentle and accommodating as I could. But, without wanting to sound sexist, there is only so much shrieking-banshee-hurling-heavy-objects-at-one’s-head that I could take. Gentle and accommodating? OK. But that doesn’t run to hiding under a desk in my own home.

I don’t know the answer. I wish all luck to the OP and family.

11

I’m very regular so I just check the calendar and figure that I’m going to be overreacting to everything for a few days and I warn my partner to ignore me and just leave me alone. I try to keep my tantrums to myself and watch lots of sad movies so that I have something to cry about without inventing a reason.

I just watched King Kong and it was so sad when they shot him off the building. That will do for tonight’s excuse to cry.

12

I get the “premenstrual day of gloom and despair,” but not rage (thank Og). On that day (or sometimes two or three), I have no energy, I’m depressed, and it feels like I’ll never ever have anything that I want.

Perimenopause is such a joy.

13

I get a particular feeling of frustration and rage at the world that doesn’t happen at other times. It’s not really bad, but it surfaces if something doesn’t go right; I’ve sat down on the curb crying when a bus drove away right in front of me. (And that bus came every 15-20 minutes, and I was just going home.) At the time, my anger always seems completely justified, but it’s distinct enough feeling that I can now usually recognize it for what it is.

14

I must be close but I’m not sure how I’ll know it when it gets here or how hot flashes differ from getting hot and sweaty from hard work. My friends laugh evilly and assure me that when one happens, I’ll know. I’m not looking forward to this.

15

Pardon the minor hijack, but I am professionally interested.

I’ve a few patients in the Women’s Prison system who are serving time for committing violent acts which they claimed to be due to PMS. One patient shattered her husband’s pelvis when she drove their car into him, pinning him against a wall. She later tried to argue temporary insanity, but that defense was not effective.

How culpable (legally) should a woman be held for offenses committed due to PMS?

16

Whining and bitching can be blamed on PMS. Running your husband over is insane. Can you imagine what it would be like if all women had one week a month where we weren’t held accountable for any our behavior?

On second thought, maybe that would be kind of fun ; )

17

Quadgop: PMS isn’t an excuse for doing crazy shit like running over your husband, but it’s still important to understand that PMS can change reality for some people. What I mean is, I can have an extreme reaction to something and think it’s completely justified. It’s not just being in a bad mood, it’s shifting into a reality where people are morons, I hate everything and it seems like it’s always been this way. I can be oblivious to the fact that this is not normal for me. Until I snap out of it, which can take minutes or hours. It’s the same feature I’ve experienced with depression, that it seems normal. I can’t recall the English term for it, but translated from Swedish, “lack of insight into your condition”. I’m sure you know what I mean.

18

I agree with many in this thread that point out that PMS is usually only recognizable upon reflection or retrospection, and at the time it’s occurring, you feel that your reaction is entirely appropriate. Actually, sometimes it takes my boyfriend asking, “why are you so upset?” and my attempts to justify it in order for me to realize that it’s a disproportionate reaction.

One day I came home and had to restart the computer b/c the internet wasn’t working, and I was on the phone with my boyfriend, and I just started crying. “Honey, you’re crying because you need to restart the computer?”

oh… I guess I am…

In terms of QtM’s question, I am finding it hard to imagine something that someone would do, short of killing my parents or something, that would make me respond by running into them with a car. PMS doesn’t make you do that- being INSANE makes you do that.

19

Agreed. That said, I’d consider it similar to a crime of passion, in that the emotions can overwhelm and make you forget rational thought. When you snap out of it, yeah, you know it was wrong, but in the moment you’re thinking emotionally, not rationally.

Also, if there are underlying mental problem, PMS can amplify those as well. My PMS became much easier to deal with once I started treatment for depression.

20

Reading threads like this are wonderful. Just one more reason getting old is not all bad! Courage, ladies. This, too, will pass.