It’s also a lot easier to keep one’s moods under control for five minutes at a time (CEO going through your office) than it is to do it for your entire waking life. It’s the difference between never crying at work and never crying AGAIN.
It doesn’t mean that the people you live with are less important to you, it just means you can’t keep up the facade forever. And personally, I don’t think I should have to.
If my husband has a bad day at work, sometimes he’s in a bad mood. If he’s being snappy, I let him know and leave him alone, and he does the same for me. The whole point of marrying him was because I love him all the time, not just when he’s on his best behavior. Sometimes he’s silly or inconsiderate or annoying. So am I. My bad times just tend to line up with my menstrual cycle sometimes, whereas his are a lot more work- or time of day-related.
What I’m saying is that when I am moody or irritable, I don’t let it show. I don’t make faces. I don’t snap. I don’t respond curtly or grumpily to conversation. If my wife requests affection, like a hug or a kiss or a cuddle in bed, I give it to her just as I would if I were in a good mood. I don’t withhold it, and I don’t do it grudgingly. I don’t let her know or feel in any way that I don’t feel like a hug. I do not criticize or say mean or harsh things. I don’t go on rants against her, her friends, her family, etc. I don’t express my irritation at things. I keep quiet. I do not impose my mood on her. I do not do anything that is different from if I were in a good mood.
I do nothing that I would have to later apologize for. (That is, nothing based on my mood. I do occasionally do things that I must or should apologize for but none of those things are caused by my mood.)
That’s what I mean and that is what I would like to expect from my wife, my co-workers, and any other person I come into contact for any reason.
Ew. This is behavior I would neither expect nor desire from any romantic partner. The idea of being kissed/hugged by someone who doesn’t really want to but feels obligated to makes my skin crawl, seriously.
Now you seem to be saying that you do ("I do not do anything that is different from if I were in a good mood. ").
I mean, I get it if you are trying to say that you don’t take your mood out on other people.
I find it hard to believe that you are able to maintain a facade of a good mood - BUT supposing that you can consistently do so, I’m not sure why you’d want to live like that. When I’m feeling in a bad mood my wife is often able to help me out of it.
For all the young women saying, “I do no such thing, I easily control myself!”, I would like to point out that over the course of your life PMS, as you currently experience it, is going to change. As you approach middle age, the intensity of such things sometimes shifts radically. Not in every case, certainly. I’m just saying, because it’s not your experience, at this moment in time, doesn’t mean, it’s not coming for you. May wish to temper your words, is all.
You would like to expect that, 100% of the time, no one will show negative emotion? For real? If I’m sad and stressed because my father is dying, you would like for me to put on a happy face and never let a grimace cross my face?
I don’t think that’s what he means at all! He says he “does nothing to apologize for due to his mood”. So if say there is a tragedy and he is sad/mad, he doesn’t tell his wife “I can’t hug right now, I’m too depressed, get away from me”, he takes comfort from her when it’s given.
I try to do the same thing! Why wouldn’t I? When my dad stresses me out to the point that I do feel snappish, I tell my other half what is stressing me and let him comfort me, but I work really hard not to snap at him just because I’m in a bad mood.
Frankly, the bleeding is the least of it. It’s the bleeding that somehow managed to elude both a tampon and a pad and stain your bedsheets/underwear/favorite skirt that you then have to clean up and the feeling that someone is taking a Garden Weasel to your lower abdomen and the looser, more urgent bowel movements and the headaches and the aches/weakness in every major muscle of your body and the total lack of energy and the knowledge that if any of this combined world of shit makes you less chipper and accommodating than usual, some asshole is going to call you a bitch and make snotty comments about all women using their periods as excuses to be assholes.
Yeah, that’s pretty much it. I’m not a bitch, I’m just in no goddamn mood to put up with your bullshit today. If I have to ask you four times to do something, by the fourth time, I’m not going to be even remotely pleasant about it. If you say something insensitive and shitty, I’m not going to tell myself it’s not a big deal and let it pass. If you’re exhibiting poor table manners, I probably am going to snap at you to stop chewing like a goddamn cow instead of quietly averting my eyes. If you have screwed up something simple that I’ve shown you a dozen times how to do and now my work is awry because of it, I probably am going to ask WTF is wrong with you that you keep fucking this up.
Yeah, I agree with Meatros on this. What Ascenray said was that he expects everyone to do** nothing **(due to mood) that they would have to later apologize for.
Nothing.
Why would I have to temper my words when I say that I have never, up till now, felt intense emotions from menstrual hormonal changes. I haven’t. Might I someday? Sure. What does that have to do with my experience? If it changes in the future, I will have a different answer.
Yes, nothing that I would have to later apologize for. Nothing. My bad or sad mood should not make me do anything that makes another person feel hurt or bad or sad or rejected as a result of my mood.
Nope, not because I feel obligated to kiss or hug, but because I believe my mood should not result in her feeling rejected or deprived. I’m still the same person, her husband. The hugs etc. come from the same feelings of affection that they do when I’m in a good mood. My hugs etc. make her feel good (and make me feel good). She should not be deprived of that benefit or feel rejected simply because I’m in a bad mood.
I do not do anything towards her that is different from if I were in a good mood. My mood is my mood. She might be able to tell that I’m in a bad mood, but I do not let my bad mood make her the target of negative behavior.
Yes.
No, I don’t necessarily maintain a facade of a good mood, but I don’t allow my bad mood to be directed into behavior that makes someone else the target of that bad mood.
Sure, but is she going to feel like helping you out of it if you say something mean to her as a result of your mood? That’s what I’m talking about.
If your father is dying, and your husband is carrying on a normal conversation, do you then say something critical or hurtful or angry or rejectful to him? If he tries to comfort you or get his usual “honey, I’m home” kiss and hug do you push him away? That’s what I’m talking about. Do you make him stop talking, or turn off the radio, or stop watching the game or otherwise change the circumstances of his existence at that moment that make it difficult for impossible for him to carry on doing what he needs or wants to do?
Your sadness and stress should not manifest in activity, whether speech or otherwise, that is hurtful to the people around you. That’s what I mean by things that you would have to apologize for. I don’t ever feel obligated to apologize because I feel sad or angry. I would feel obligated to apologize if I said or did something hurtful or angry or rejecting as a result of feeling sad or angry. That should not happen.
This I don’t get. I don’t see why someone’s right to their routine hug trumps the other person’s right to be alone with their grief, if that’s what they want. It would creep me out if my husband did that or expected it of me.
Of course, I wouldn’t see rejecting a hug when in distress as something anyone should need to apologize for, either.
Nothing I say or do should upset her to the point that she is unable to complete her art project/sing in the shower/read her book/watch her TV show/finish her office work or house work because my mood has been directed at her in a hurtful manner that has thrown off her ability to carry on as she needs or wants to. That doesn’t mean I might not ask her to comfort me or help me feel better.
Because it’s a rejection and an unjustified one – unless it’s your husband who is to blame for the grief. One of the purposes of a routine hug is reassurance. If I really needed to “be alone with my grief” (I don’t know if I would call that a “right,” but whatever) I’d give the hug and then request solitude in a non-hurtful manner.
I don’t really understand where you are coming from on this issue, and since I am not married to you, I don’t really feel obligated to (ha, see what I did there?), so I’ll just cheerfully agree that your experience is very different from mine.
I don’t think this is reasonable. No, I wouldn’t push him away if he was trying to give me a kiss. I don’t say things that are rejecting of him, ever, because I don’t think like that. I’ve never once in our time together called him an asshole or a jerk, for example. But I might say, “Why can’t you ever refill the Brita pitcher?” in an exasperated voice or ask him to turn down the TV if the volume was bothering me or I might sigh impatiently if someone asks me for one more thing at dinner. But then I’ll apologize and get that thing and we’ll all move on.
That’s how most people are, I think. I don’t think your expectation that someone would be able to avoid doing those types of things all the time, no matter what, is reasonable.
I think we are on the same page now (with the above and prior post). I suspect you would agree with me that if you were seriously hurting you would ask her for comfort and expect that she disrupt her routine in order to help you (and vice versa) as you indicate here.
This sort of control is what I aim for, but I don’t always achieve. There are times where I do upset my wife because of my mood (I’m irritable or something). I recognize this and apologies for it and try not to do so again. I give my wife the same leeway here in this regard.
I’m not sure I go the whole nine yards with regard to this (the bolded):
I can envision circumstances where I would not feel at all like doing the usual kiss/hug. I would stop my wife in those instances - I would not push her away in a cruel manner (or I would try not to).
That said, when such circumstances apply to you (you would go through with the hug because it wouldn’t bother you in the same way it would bother me), I certainly don’t expect you to react the same way I would, so I can concede that you would be able to do this.