I still don’t understand the OP. I don’t think there was ever any risk to begin with and still isn’t. That is what Facebook is all about. You reconnect with far-flung people and talk. Everything he said seems perfectly innocent and honest. Like I said, lots of women have done it to me too. I don’t think they are insinuating anything that applies to the present day. They are just reminiscing about a happy memory they still have and I wouldn’t deny anyone that.
I don’t know what it is like to feel like a constantly threatened girl but I don’t think the threat is real in the vast majority of case. Paranoia will destroy ya. If you think so, you probably overprotecting or have too high of an opinion of yourself. Besides the one last night who has always been a lifelong true friend, there have been more and they always find me no matter where I am. They bitch about their current relationship and then ask when they can come visit me or vice-versa. I always say the door always open and mean it. They never come just because they want the option as opposed to the hassle of reality. That is their real goal and one I am happy to give to them because it costs me nothing. Even if they did show up, I would show them the best wekend of their life and then them right back to where they came from and I upfront about that.
The feeling’s mutual, then. I never thought there was any risk to begin with, either, and still don’t:
Once more, with feeling:
My ex contacted me out of the blue. The cliche is that this means he wants to knock boots.
Being an idiot, I very naively thought there might be a chance he just wanted to be friends. Ha ha ha! See, already, that’s funny! I mean, come ON! Who would believe that? I would laugh at someone who believed that. And yet I believed that! I’m a rube! It’s hilarious!
And of course, true to the cliche, he indeed wanted to knock boots, or perhaps, he just wanted the security of knowing that he has a backup boot-knocker if he needs one, but at very least, he wanted to know that I still find him boot-knockable. Again, ha ha! I totally fell for it! But beyond that, the way he expressed this was so desperate, trite, and ham-fisted that it added a whole other dimension to the funny. I mean, seriously: mixtape! I’m still giggling!
But no, it never even occurred to me that there could be any risk or danger or any kind involved in the situation, and I’m still having a hard time seeing how anyone could infer that from my post, although apparently, quite a few people did. I just found it funny, is all, and thought other people might, too.
I mean, you yourself described the cliche to a T: Long-lost ex looks you up out of the blue, ostensibly just to shoot the shit, no ulterior motive. But what do you know, it just so happens that the ex and their current partner are on the skids, and, gosh, it just makes the ex really appreciate what a good thing they had with you. After all, you were their (first love/only true love/right person at the wrong time/one person who really “got” them/etc.) Remember that one time you (did/said/gave them) that totally (funny/romantic/endearingly embarrassing) thing? They’ll always cherish that (memory/gift).
It’s silly and corny and transparent. And like you said, maybe they wouldn’t actually go through with an affair; maybe they just want to know they could. But my point is, either way, they don’t just want to interact with you as a friend, they want to stir up old romantic feelings. They want their ego stroked. And I think that’s kind of pathetic, but no, there’s nothing wrong or abnormal about wanting that. It’s deeply human.
Now, you have no problem with stroking egos, or even - if I understand you correctly - getting physical, if they’re game. That’s fine, and more power to you. But I’m not being paranoid by choosing not to engage him. I’m in a strictly monogamous relationship, and so in my case, there’s nothing harmless or innocent about flirting with an ex and giving him the idea he could have me if he wanted, even if I know for a fact we’re never going to see each other in person again. I’m not afraid of my ex or anything he would do; I’m afraid of the hurt my husband would feel if he found out I was doing this, and potentially, the damage to our relationship caused by me diverting my romantic attention toward someone else.
Which brings us to…
I didn’t tell him, and I actually thought about it quite a bit. On the one hand, it’s a funny story (or so I thought…), but also, by telling him, I’d be saying that when potentially hinky stuff happens, he can trust me to tell him about it. And of course, then there would be no possibility of him later hearing about this guy and wondering why I had “hid” him from him. But on the other hand, even if he did see the humor, it could all too easily seem like I’m just trying to make him jealous, or let him know that I’m still a hot property. And if somehow he did hear about this guy in the future, it would actually seem less suspicious that the guy was so unimportant I hadn’t even bothered to mention him. No potential for hinkiness, because I would never let there be. So in the end, the possibility of amusing him was far outweighed by the potential for annoying him.
Man, what a turn this took. Maybe I should just lay off trying to be funny for a while, see how that goes.
If you don’t mind, I’d like to contribute a single (anecdotal) male POV on that one.
If my wife experienced something similar to what you described, I’m pretty certain she ought to choose the first alternative. I found out what had happened later and she didn’t tell me at the time, I’d be more suspicious than if she did.
Granted, I would never suspect my wife of wanting to make me jealous that way. We don’t play that type of games
I didn’t tell my SO, either. Why? He doesn’t need to know everything in my life, and he doesn’t need to know I felt the need to apologize to my ex. It’s really none of his business, since I didn’t take it any further, and now it has been more than four years since I’ve talked to him (it could be even more but I don’t remember exactly.)
I’ll tell him things that affect him. Beyond that, he’s just going to have to trust me, like I trust him.
Yeah, I could definitely see that one going either way, which is why I asked. A good story, but not so good that it was worth potentially raising hackles over nothing. Still, I’m glad that we as the collective known as Not Your Husband got to share in the amusement.
See, I don’t think I read the word risk in Shagnasty’s post the same way you do. I think he’s talking about the risk of you winding up cheating. I personally do not think I’d unadd someone who merely flirted with me unless I was afraid I might wind up flirting back. I would simply not respond to them.
You apparently keep a closer reign on your Facebook account than I do, and that’s fine. But I think people just interpreted your unadd as meaning you thought having a Facebook relationship with the guy was risky.
That is correct. I just take people as they come. As long as you can control the situation, I don’t see any harm in keeping them as online friends. That is what Facebook and social networking are all about. There is nothing unusual about the scenario. It is only cliche in the sense that is what people do. I just take it as casual flattery and move on. There is no harm done on either side.
One person did piss me off however. It was a true college female friend that I was always curious about just because she disappeared shortly after we graduated. We worked together closely for two years and I did not have the slightest bit of attraction towards her even though she might have had for me. She liked to invite me to study on her bed for instance but we were just friends as far as I was concerned. I sent her a friend request on Facebook and got back a list of rules that I had to follow if she was going to accept it. She was recently married and wore that status like a tiara. I had to friend her husband to and she also gave me a list of of things I was allowed to message her about. I sent her a nice note, accepted both her and her husband as friends and then never said anything again.
Screw that. Marriage shouldn’t make a captive out of you but apparently it did in her case and she has a terminal case of it.
I didn’t interpret it that way.
If the guy sought her out solely to knock boots, what’s the point of keeping him as a “friend” after she’s discovered his ulterior motives?
