I am a Fertility God!

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

This week i discovered that, a mere month or so into my new job, i have managed to get my boss pregnant.

This isn’t the first time this has happened either i did it to my boss in the last place i worked, and to THREE bosses in the place before that.

Now calm down boys and girls (you jumping-to-conclusions perverts you) because the the truth is that i haven’t laid a finger - or any other part of my anatomy i hasten to add - on them (or at least none of them have stained little black dresses to prove otherwise).

All i know is that this is the fifth time this has happened to me. In every job i’ve had during my adult working life somehow every time i have become the management responsibility of a member of the opposite sex… BANG! pregnant within a month. New manager appointed as maternity cover - BANG! Month later she’s pregnant too. Its truly bizarre - and in fact downright annoying because several of them were damn good bosses - but its happened every single time.

Now as a comics fan, I can’t help but deny that i did feel a slight rush at the above realisation, the thought rushing through my mind that maybe - just maybe - i’d been blessed with a genuine superpower. For a brief second i dwelled on the exciting thought that thanks to some fluke of genetic mutation or the (unknown to me) bite of a radio-active midwife i’d just been gifted my entry into the Justice League of America.*

Then realism kicked in and i calmed down a bit.

For a start, i’ll admit that it seems highly unlikely that superpowers actually exist. I’ve certainly never seen any real superheroes and trust me - i’ve looked.

Secondly (and this one hit me like a shovel) even if it is a superpower its a pretty god damn shitty one. I mean, how on earth would you fight crime with that?! You’ve got to be thinking seriously longterm:

I guess superpowers aside, one of the only other reasonable possibilities is that i’m actually the Archangel Gabriel and just don’t know it.

I mean, i suppose it’s not impossible. If Meg Ryan films have taught me anything (apart from the fact that “whatever you fancy, i’m not fussy” is totally not the right thing to say when you’re in blockbuster with a girl) its that magical romantic shit involving angels and other mystical forces happens around us on a daily basis. Its completely plausable that I’m some kind of amnesiac Cherubim sent down by the Lord to unwittingly inseminate by miraculous means.

Trying to look at it with a degree of objectivity however, i can see that there are flaws with that explanation as well - not least of which is the fact that this would mean we’d have at least four or five proto-messiahs running around by now. That’d lead to all kinds of problems and be bad news for suppliers of wine to weddings everywhere.

I suppose that it is possible that the Big Ol’ Guy in the sky has decided to move with the times and is setting us all up for the Televisual epic that will be “Messiah Idol” at some point in the not too distant future and allowing us mortals down here to vote for our favourite Son of Man to lead us through the rapture, but it seems highly unlikely. Not that i doubt it would be popular, but it would be a bit of a harsh thing for a loving and caring God to inflict on his offspring.

Crucifixion is one thing, making them stand up and perform in front of Simon Cowell and a bunch of washed out celebs, though, would be downright cruel. “Sorry Billy-Joe, but quite frankly that sermon was awful, your parables were way off the mark and your delivery was pitchy…” et cetera, et cetera.

So superpower or divine gift? Who knows. I guess its just something i’ll have to live with. I suppose at the end of the day it doesn’t really cause me too many problems so “c’est la vie.”

Wait… unless it starts working on people i live with as well…

Oh Shit.

I better warn the Missus…

*Okay i’m not an American but i think my US Work Visa is still just about valid. Besides, thinking about it, do you even need to be American to be in the Justice League? I’m pretty certain Wonder Woman wasn’t carrying a Green Card. For a start i don’t think that outfit of hers even had pockets

2

Wonder Woman’s jet was invisible, making it difficult for the INS to track her whereabouts.

I think you should work on cultivating this power and using it responsibly. You can’t just leave kids wherever you go. Or you could go the villain route. Get a job at a place where your boss is a woman, get into the number two position and then when you are ready, BAM get her pregnant and move on up the corporate ladder.

3

Stay back, buster. Stay far, far away.

4

Ditto. (So much for going back to England one day.)

5

Heck, even I’m nervous after just reading his post.

and I’m fixed!

and I’m a guy!

6

Perhaps it’s not an actual inseminating power, but merely the ability to boost fertility in women. An aura of fecundity. You could be paid thousands to just sit around in the middle of fertility clinics.

Just don’t get a job teaching high schoolers.

7

I’m a Cloud God.

I know this because clouds always follow us when we go on vacation. :frowning:

8

Dude, you wanna come work for my wife for a bit? We’re trying, and it just ain’t happening yet… :frowning:

Buy ya a beer?

:wink:

9

Oh yeah.
I’m a Dull Magnet.
If I go to a party or concert or riot…nothing happens.
If I stay home, something FUN and INTERESTING HAPPENS that ends up going down in INFAMY.

10

For some reason, I’m picturing an Axe body spray type commercial where garius is walking down the sidewalk. Every woman that he passes suddenly becomes 9 months pregnant with a pop-gun sound effect.

11

I am the Party Pooper.

Several times in my life, I have become the new member of a group of friends. At annual social gatherings (4th of July, Christmas, Halloween) these people invariably stand around talking about how they used to do these wicked cool awesome things at this very event in the recent past, or basically, when I was not a member.

This includes a working cast of a Rocky Horror Picture Show! I made them stop partying!

12

So should we call the OP Kokopelli ?

13

Moved from IMHO to MPSIMS.

14

If you are approached by someone named Ben or Richard and asked to participate in a fertility experiment in or around Portland, DON’T GO.

15

Oh oh oh, I know what you should do. Go to Japan and start your own fertility business. You could make millions AND fix Japan’s declining birth-rate. That and Japanese girls are hot, umm… to me anway.

16

You could even partner up with this phallic shrine :smiley:

17

Nonsense! The Dharma Initiative offers all sorts of wonderful and exciting opportunities, just for you. Let me direct you to my friend, Mr. Alpert…
(Strangers on the street always want to talk to me, for no apparent reason. I am… the Chatterer? Make-Small-Talk Girl?)

18

Going by the description its not me. It’s close, but i don’t have antenae :smiley:

Hmmm… i hadn’t considered the super villain route. That could work. I could hire myself out to chauvanistic legal and finance firms to help them maintain their out-dated status quo.

I need to get some business cards made up:

Garius
Fertility Enhancement Consultant
“Preserving the Glass Ceiling since 2001”

19

Meh, you’ve got nothing on Elijah Dukes.

20

Dude, if you end up in New York again, I’m stayin’ far, far away.