I posted a severe anti-Trump rant on social media. A friend/co-wroker of 10+ years messaged me and upbraided me for being “hateful” and showing my “true colors”.
This person is very religious. And very misguided. She is not typically vocal about it, but I know she prays for those of us who need Guidance.
Thoughts? Advice? Similar experiences?
mmm
I’ve unfriended immediate family after similar experiences.
They are unreachable. They are in a cult. Cut them off, mourn if you must, but don’t look back.
I have lost friends over Trump but no-one very close.
I would be interested in hearing anyone who managed to get through to a MAGA. It seems that supporting Trump in the first place means buying into the “Trust Trump, not the media” narrative (heck, they even turn against fox if fox contradicts the pres), and therefore seem immune to facts and reason.
One of my friends that I lost is an attorney. The cognitive dissonance for him to believe the election was stolen despite the failed lawsuits is breathtaking.
Modding by doing nothing: This isn’t really about politics. But I don’t see how it will avoid being political in nature so I’ll leave it in P&E.
Do you enjoy spending time with the person when not talking politics? If so don’t cut them off. I have several friends that are Trump supporters and one that has drank the cool-aid. With the last we stay away from politics.
I recently purged a family member, a very good childhood friend, plus several others from my sm accounts. It was liberating. I felt stalked and harassed for even the most mild posts that were critical of Trump,
I haven’t blocked their numbers yet and I’d still talk to them and remain friends but on social media they’re dead to me now.
Tell her the prayer worked, and that this is where God guided you.
It’s odd how the religious never seem to expect any answer from God but the one they already believe.
Thank them for their prayers, and then leave the rest lie. Snooze them for 30 days, and move on like it never happened. That’s what I would do. In a couple of weeks everyone’s nerves may settle down a titch, we may move into more calm times, fingers crossed!
It’s time to stop trying to change these people’s minds, or chastise them or even correct them. It’s time to simply smile and ignore them, like they were your 90 yr old neighbour. You’re NOT going to shift them from their views. Not with proof, not with evidence, not with a note from God himself. So STOP trying! All it’s doing is making YOU crazy. Just stop. If you’re that confident your position is solidly fact based and correct, then use that confidence to just lead by example. No bitterness, no teaching, no lessons, no pointing and laughing or harsh condescension, etc. Just be mature and adult and choose to engage with the positive, others who are like minded! THE best approach, I believe, is to ignore the ignorance, be indifferent to the lack of knowledge and recognize their is no point engaging with such foolishness.
Stop giving them any attention at all. Just smirk a little, and move on to something constructive, ignore their openings and challenges and humour them like they’re your great auntie. Why bother? They TRULY are not worth your ire, and nothing will assign them to the dustbin of history faster than no one engaging with them.
If the point you’d like them to hear is that they’re being idiots and their positions are untenable, being roundly ignored as though they aren’t worth the effort to convert, is def the way to go, I think.
Yeah, I’m really not looking to convert or even engage. I haven’t even responded to the IM yet.
She talked about how hurtful this was to her, she thought she knew me, my true colors are showing, and she is disappointed that I have so much HATE (her caps) in me.
How ironic that my post was anti-bigotry, anti-misogyny, anti-corruption, etc. and I’m the one filled with HATE.
My response will be simple: We are a million miles apart on this. Have a nice weekend, I’ll see you Monday.
mmm
I’ve posted about this before. I don’t have many friends. . .okay, I basically have one. I moved to another state, then quickly got sick, and as a result, I didn’t work and I didn’t go out and meet new ppl. Many years later, I have one friend from ‘back home’, and he variously claims to be independent or libertarian, but it all boils down to voting for republicans.
He listened to a local loudmouth morning DJ every morning who modeled himself after Rush. He listened to actual Rush in the afternoon. He put on Fox News in the evening. The con-men whispered in his ear, “You can’t trust those other guys. Listen to me, you can trust me.”, and like about half of America, he fell for it.
Our politics are irreconcilable. We don’t agree on facts, and so, any discussion is doomed from the beginning. We both think the other has been brainwashed by our respective media choices. Whenever I tell people about him, they say, “dump the cultist.” My friend and I HAVE gone long periods without speaking because of politics, but we always end up talking again. We’ve been friends for decades. My ex introduced him to his ex. We have almost everything in common, except for politics.
It’s difficult as hell. It hurts and disappoints me that my friend believes some of the things he does. I imagine he feels similarly about me.
It’s sad, the things our friends and relatives have been made to think. They’ve been lied to by radio voices acting like they have all the answers, by TV stations that label themselves as ‘news’, by politicians, over and over for decades. For me, seeing my friend believe patently false things, seeing him suckered into the ‘cult’, was far worse than what he said and did. I think I tried to break my friendship with him more because I couldn’t stand to see what he’d become, than because of anything he did or how he acted. It hurt to be around him, so I thought I’d just not do that anymore.
There’s no good solution to this. Best case, you agree that you’re not going to agree on these subjects, and you both take pains to avoid them. If the person rants and causes more problems and arguments than positive interactions, then that’s a good reason to break off your relationship with them. You have to decide for yourself. People may tell you to dump your friend, but they don’t have to live with the aftermath, and largely, they can’t and won’t help you afterwards when you have that hole in your life.
Maybe when you write back, let her know that you have no hate for anyone, since she thinks you do. Explain this with whatever detail is necessary. Maybe that will help. There’s no real pat answer for any of this. To my knowledge, few have found a solution, and just about everyone in America now has at least one similar story. Jesus, it’s sometimes hard for me to remember the before-times, when we could agree on facts, when everything wasn’t political, and every political opinion wasn’t such a part of ourselves that they were all hills to die on.
Best of luck.
If you value your friend, and think they might still be reached, you could inquire privately and ask them exactly what they thought was HATE-filled about it.
If it’s something you missed, perhaps you’ll find it insightful. If it’s just the usual, it will give you insight into your friend’s thinking and, optimistically, have them reconsider their own position.
I’m not suggesting you should concede anything. But I am saying there’s value in having a clearer understanding in how your friend thinks. Cooler minds may prevail given a day or two.
Out of curiosity, what specific flavour of religious is your friend?
They were never your friends. Never. They were always disturbed, evil, greedy, racist fascists whose core beliefs you chose to ignore for mostly benign sentimental reasons of attachment (such as being related to them, having grown up with them, with them having been nice to you in the past, etc.) none of which negates the truth they have revealed about who they are. Is there even the barest chance that I could describe a hypothetical person with the exact belief system of this “friend” whom you would then decide “Oh, he sounds nice! Can you introduce me to him so I can find a place for him in my life?” Of course not. Walk away and don’t (as the poet said) look back.
During the 2016 election I got rid of several people, including siblings. I have one brother that is semi-reasonable and a sort of project. On some of his posts he will get attacks (sometimes personal), support or whatever. I try to be one that shows the other side logically and reasonably. Sometimes it seems to sink in, but the next week he does a similar thing and it starts over again.
When someone tells you who they are, believe them.
That does not sound like the reaction a friend would have–at least, not someone interested in remaining friends. Sure, they may disagree with you, thinking your tone is hateful, but you don’t treat your friend like an enemy who showed their “true colors.”
I just got through replying to an old friend who was trying the whole “both sides are the same” gambit which I think is insulting and offensive after what happened Wednesday. She was also trying to push the “non-violent seditionist” angle, and other stuff.
Sure, I was mad at her. I was in fact disappointed she was showing those “colors.” But my response was not to upbraid her as some bad guy, but to just disagree with her, and make a case that she missed some stuff and thus was wrong.
My normal reaction on Facebook to people who fall for this garbage but that I don’t think are awful people is to force them to unfriend me. But there have been some exceptions, and directly attacking me is one of them.
I might give a bit of a window to see if they apologize, but I’d definitely be willing to unfriend unless doing so would cause some other bad result–e.g. we have to interact with each other regularly, or they’re family and I might need to contact them. Then they’d be unfollowed.
Did your post contain anything resembling this?
I’ve lost several long-time friends, family members who’ve declared their loyalty to Trump (and demanded that I do likewise) and I am a much better person for it. I used to make excuses for them, but there really is no excuse, just rationalizations that don’t hold up to reason. I certainly don’t miss their company. I just miss the illusion I had for years that they were fundamentally decent people. They weren’t–I just refused to acknowledge that plain truth.
One step I took early on is to unfollow basically every single person I know on Facebook, but stay friends. This goes for everybody, liberal and conservative, because the comments often contain a lot of toxicity. I can still reach them, they can reach me, but I don’t have to see their stream of consciousness.
And as far as my MAGA high-school buddies from decades ago, who we’ve only kept touch with via Facebook… I just unfriend them with no explanation. If we didn’t need each other in the years before Facebook, we don’t need each other now.
Apart from that, there are some MAGA family and friends I just don’t want to be with anymore. I just ghost or grey-stone them (bare minimum required responses). No explanation required. Life is too short to keep toxic idiots in it.
OP here.
In the interest of full disclosure, I’m realizing that I should have given you more details about what I posted on social media that upset her so. Maybe this will shed light on why I’m a hater in her mind.
My post essentially said we can agree to disagree on most things - music, lifestyles, food, etc. But if someone still supports Trump at this point, “agree to disagree” is something I cannot achieve. I cannot get there.
I cited Trump’s racism, misogyny, immaturity, homophobia, lack of empathy, etc. etc. Oh yeah, I also called Trump a “fucking piece of shit”.
I dunno. I wrote that in anger as the Capitol riot events were unfolding. Maybe my words are being interpreted as I’m willing to discard friendships over this.
And maybe I am. I honestly don’t know.
mmm
I have several long-time Conservative friends and we have remained so thru the Bush, Obama, and now the Trump years. Politics ebb and flow, but the friendships remain. They know where my positions are, and I know where they are, and to remain friends, we all make an effort to stay respectful. We do not engage in name-calling or other shrill comments, or trying to “convince” anyone of anything. As it turns out, we enjoy doing things together and that seems to outweigh our political differences. Occasionally, I get my viewpoint challenged to the point of adjustment, and I have been successful in that regard as well. Ebb and flow - that’s how friendships go.
I have heard about friendships such as the OP come to an end over politics (and Trump in particular) thru shouting, all caps, and actual threats - I have heard that “true colors” comment amongst these situations as well. I do have friends more aligned to my politics and they do not understand how I can maintain contact with “the enemy”, and say I am way too tolerant. I dunno - whatever.
I do not cruise the halls of Facebook much so I do not partake in that sort of friendship, and rarely comment there, so political discussions I usually have with people are mainly in person or phone, or via text, where it is much harder to be mean to someone.
They do read that way to me.
We’re going to be living in the same country as people who are currently supporting Trump; there’s no getting around that one. If there’s any hope of changing their minds, it may be in their continuing to know people they care about who they know vehemently disagree with them.
Or maybe not. Maybe some will only change their minds if they find themselves cut off. But, if so, how will you know if their minds change?
– Changes of mind that go as deep as this one rarely happen all at once; they can bubble around in the back of the mind for months or years before surfacing, though the surfacing can appear to be sudden. I’d be inclined to tell your friend that you don’t hate her and hope she doesn’t hate you, and then drop the subject for a while and see what happens.