As an infant, I would shit in my diapers not from any pressing need to defecate but rather just to hear the fuss my parents made over me and my situation.
In grade school, I’d tug out tufts of girls’ pigtails only in part because I was starting a hair collection but mostly so that someone, anyone, would finally notice me.
In middle school, I’d throw rocks at hornet nests and as I felt the bittersweet coolness of dozens upon dozens of stings all I could think was “yes, yes, they’re paying attention.”
I was the one in class who asked pointless questions to hear myself speak.
I was the one who could only play three chords on a guitar, badly, yet insisted on strumming the same damn tune every time we were together.
I was the one who played Devil’s Advocate in every conversation just so I’d get a chance to speak.
I was the one who screamed to the world that NO ONE UNDERSTANDS MY BRILLIANCE when corrected in a debate
But then I discovered the internet. Oh blessed be He who hath given me the chance to share my wisdom, my glory, my every boring minutia in breathtaking detail.
Message boards to do all I’ve ever done across my entire life in one fell swoop.
I can start 30 threads a day! People must read it for I am the OP. My name blazing across the forum’s page as thread starter. I can say all I want. I can do all I want. I am the one you read. Me.
If I’m not the OP, that’s fine too, for I will make you read me.
Colors? bold? things that are underlined that look like links and so you hover your mouse above it? OR REALLY LARGE LETTERS!!!
These are just many of the tricks I can use to make you pay attention to me. Who cares what the thread is originally as long as I’m quoted, I’m read, me me me me me.
And if you don’t like this thread? Why I have 29 more that I just started today. You’ll have to read one. You always do. React, complain, comment, my name gets bumped right back up to the top. King of the world, baby.
I am an attention whore. For $5, I’ll suck you off right there in the thread. For $10, I’ll take my 2 inch penis and stretch is alllllll across the information superhighway in the vane attempt to make myself seem important. Hell, now that I think about it, I’ll do that for free. That’s how cheap I am.
If you flame me, I won’t care. For it is attention I seek.
Martyrdom is of no concern. I can take the nails out of my hands and feet and use the extra holes for more fucking.
Don’t you see? Arguing against me only proves that I was right all along! The attention whore is never wrong.
And when I get sick of this board, I shall leave. Twice. And announce it both times. But fool be you to think I’ve actually left. I’ll keep checking, and checking, and checking to see if anyone has mentioned my name somewhere.
I’ll be checking this thread every minute, continually refreshing to track the views and the posts. Every view will be a small pat on the shoulder, every reply another small piece of validation in my otherwise unfulfilling life.
Mom never loved me, but you all can, right?
