Hired, Hired, and Hired (You know who you are).
Now for the questions.
The official language will be English, and all convenience store workers will be required to speak it.
I have no clue what that is.
Since I’m now hired I’m off to the Bahamas to have a foreign affair as promised. See you all in 6 months time. Could you please try to ensure that there are no coups in that time - I need this job. btw SuperDuper just how much am I getting paid ?
flamingbananas - I will need help on this long trip. Could you please pack up your desserts and your flexible body and join me at airport asap ?
Will there be internet access available on the island? We’ll all need to be able to continue our virtual SDMB lives.
That said, I’d like to be “That Guy”. You know, the guy who doesn’t have a job or money or a place to live, so he gladly accepts food, drink and lodging from anyone willing to share. (And sleeps on the beach when necessary.)
Anyhoo…
jaydubyasee, we don’t directly pay you, but you have diplomatic immunity, so feel free to lie, cheat and steal without fear. You can’t shoplift enough when you know you won’t go to jail.
Beauty Personified, there will be public internet access in all libraries, as well as being available for private use. Unfourtunately, as I am the resident Mangonian Grand Leader and Beachbum, the job is taken. I’m sure someone will let you crash at their place, though.
I’d like to be the Commander of the Army (below our august leader, of course). The army shall be composed entirely of monkeys, wearing tiny camouflage uniforms. I haven’t really worked out the details yet.
To keep our borders safe, I merely need a few truckloads of bananas a day, and a beachfront mansion.
I would like to apply to be the Minister of the Great People’s Glorius Air Force.
The airforce will consist soley of several SS-15 mobile ICBM’s, aquired from the former soviet union in exachange for a hundred tons of bananas(pending your permission, of course).
Failing that, I request to be made the Minister of Silly Walks.
lambchops, you’re hired
General HPL you got the job, however, you have to work with Jurph.
I like the idea of a nuclear airforce, and allways wanted to be leader of a rouge state. Quick question, what kind of warhead is going on these? Baring aquiring a high-yeild US made warhead, we would probably have to go with a former Soviet or a new North Korean one. Think you can handle the aquisions?
I understand some of you are considering a coup. I have had a transmitter hooked up to my heart so that if it stops beating, you will be subjected to the worst torture imaginable. Yes, I have made is so when I die, a giant stereo will play the disco version :eek: of Cher songs :eek: sung by American Idol rejects. :eek: :eek: :eek: You have been warned.
So what does the test consist of?
Like I said in the first post, you gotta be a decent person with something to contribute.
Dammit. I guess I’m out, seeing that I have no skills nor do I aspire to do anything but read the Dope.
Oh wait! I can cook! And give killer massages. And I could entertain people with my flatu-tastic abilities. I could combine the three & become the official Farting Massage Chef of The Republic of Mango.
As chief accountant, know that any foul odors in or around either my food or myself will result in an immediate desist of payments for services rendered.
Apparently this still hasn’t stopped people from plotting, so I made it worse. If I lose power, everyone on the island will lose all thier cable except Telemoundo. Muhahaha!!!
Well, I’ve checked back and found out the SS-15’s are no longer in stock, so after threatening to blackmail them, they agreed to give me an equal number of SS-25’s(Newer type of mobile missiles). I even got them to throw in the launch vehicles.
As for warheads, I’ve been sending out offers and here’s what I’ve gotten.
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The Soviets will give us an equal number 500 Kiloton warheads as we have missles, but in return, they want RUM. 5,000 liters of Rum(in shipments).
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North Koreans will give us the warheads but they want every grain of Rice we can send them. In return, they will send us warheads as they produce them.
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Mircosoft(Yeah, I’m suprised too, but apparently it’s one of their better kept secrets) will give us the warheads we want on the conditions that we agree only to use Windows Operating systems on the island, and that we put “Microsoft Warhead 05” on the side of all or missles. I asked about that 2nd point and remember him saying something about advertising.
Crap. THe first should obviously be “Russians” or “Former Soviets” and there also the caveat.
They said that they cannot gurentee deliverly. If the packages are siezed between leaving their country and arriving at our island, they cannot do a thing.
Or a silly enough person with an interesting enough job title.
Failing that, A big enough bribe. 
What about Cab drivers? If we don’t have cabs, then substitute “Island Transport”.
Now for my questions:
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What is your title? Should I call you “El Presidente”? “Fearless Leader”? “Big Cheese”? “Mr. Fancypants”?
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What is our national Anthem? If we don’t have one, I suggest “Hail, Hail Mango Republic! Land of the Brave and Free!”(Preferably sung in a loud and shrill voice, to the tune of “Hail, Hail Freedonia”).
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Do we have a minister of Security yet to protect our missle/rocket program? Or at least make sure no one steals the Mt. Dew from the fridge?
I’ve only been on the job 5 minutes and already I’ve caught some guy in a trench coat trying to take pictures of my ledgers. Are there any rules I need to follow regarding his…exec…er, totu…er, interro,…er, Amesnesty Intl. Approved, non-threatening resort hotel vacation stay? Should I wait until you hire a minster for security or just use my discretion?
- How many Coups are currently planned to depose you? How many do you expect will suceed? I’d rather not be writing our nation’s name on all the missles if the name is just going to change three times next week.
On the other hand, if I had a staff, or if I knew that the name of the country would not change even if say, lambchop were running the coutry with his DAMN DIRTY APES!
- What is your stance on taxes? Marriage? Casinos? Who’s in charge of setting up casinos around here?
Can I be Head of Allied Bomber Command?
Interviewer: No fear! Today saw the appointment of a new head of Allied Bomber Command - Air Chief Marshal Sir Vincent ‘Kill the Japs’ Forster. He’s in our Birmingham studio…
Cut to close-up on what appears to be a monitor with Sir Vincent on it in outrageous drag, heavy lipstick, big bust etc. - Draped on a chaise-longue. A small black boy is fanning him.
Sir Vincent: Hello Sailors! Listen, guess what. The Minister of Aviation has made me head of the RAF Ola Pola.
Only if you’re really, really, really good-looking.
I am in charge of national security and my advise is, if you find anyone that is even remotely threatening, the best course of action is to find something to hit him with, tackle him, tie him up, and send for me. We always need people in our wor…“Happy” camps.
As of now, there are no known coup attempts. All this of talk of a coup is unfounded and just a pit of paranoia.
Do not worry, when I lead the coup, I will not change the name. It will stay the same. That sounds bad…IF I lead the coup the nam…no, that doesn’t work. Okay, I have it now, IF I WERE to lead a “coup”…yeah, that’s the ticket.