Okay, I’ll keep that in mind. Unfortunatly, while I wasn’t looking, the stranger accidently feel down an elevator shaft onto a couple of bullets. Next time, I’ll make sure he survives.
Ack. Make that “fell down an elevator shaft onto some bullets”.
Hey, if you’re fearing a coup and you need a torture device, I’d suggest some Girl Scouts singing that Godawful “Titanic” song. The threat of that should make everyone behave.
I went through five years of girl scout camp, so I know a little about torture.
Falls to the floor, curls into a fetal position
Don’t worry about it. I say Tomato, you say gross violations of the Geneva Convention. It’s all subjective. I thank you though. You made my job easier.
That gives me an idea. I will make sure there are elevator shafts in every building.
Well, if it isn’t so bold to say, I’m submitting my application to be Dark Czar of the Eastern Woodlands , assuming, of course, there is an eastern woodland. At any rate, I’ll kinda be like a governor for the mysterious forest, and at the same time, a revered, almost robin hood-like character.
How’s that for self-indulgence?
Ps: I’m jealous of the Minister of Piracy.
“Sorry, your highness, but you’re really not the dictator of Ithuania, a small European republic. In fact, there is no Ithuania. The hordes of admirers, the military parades, this office - we faked it all as en experiment in human psychology. In fact, your highness, your real name is Edward Belcher, you’re from Long Island, New York, and it’s time to go home, Eddie.”
I´ll take care of that, the Ministry of Squandering will begin now a prospective survey on the ideal proportions of elevator shafts, I think that for starters, 5 years and 2.5 billion would suffice for that first stage of the project.
Hey, I can fix that too!, a Western Woodland, i´m seeing it now, half a million acres, of course we´ll have to gain 98% of that to the sea (add 56 billion), then there´s the selection of trees; all the same species, even better, all clones of a single tree (genetics R&D 500 million caching!!!). Yes, we´ll have it all ready by… let me check, yes, by Comet Halley´s next approach (I can´t warranty that though)
SuperDuperMan, allow me to explain just how BADLY you need me. I suggest keeping my exact role and title vague, I would be something of a minister without portfolio. In reality of course, I would be the minister with ALL the portfolios.
Let’s go back to basics. You don’t need to start with millions of dollars. You need a web page to reel in the suck- er, investors. And I suggest splurging on a good fast color printer that can use card stock – you’ll be needing to print out stocks, bonds and cash.
You’s start with a website with a bumch of swiped pictures* of island paradises like these. Your web pages will invite folks to immigrate for for what most of them will be looking for, legal residency in a tax-free spa. In fact, you can time share your whol freakin’ country!
*The pictures will all be asterisked, and the reference notes to them will be buried under two hundred pages of pretty pictures, with a bunch of blather about their prospective new home. And the pictures are BIG, and it takes minutes to load each one, and you have to go through EVERY page before you get to the notes, which say that you hope to *find * an island home like the ones in the pictures, and the initial investors are going to pay for the search.
Next we’ll need to organize a search, and NOW you will understand my true genius and forward thinking. We need to started with an amphibious plane, a qualified instructor pilot, and a plane load of Nevada whores. We head out west into the pacific, and see what we can see.
Why an amphibious airplane, you ask? Probably no runways on our hypothetical new island home.
Why so many people, you ask? Let’s face it, an island country is going to need an airlines, and we can start training propective pilots right from the start.
Why Nevada whores, you ask? I understand their health is checked regularly, for one thing. And again – bowing to reality – if we’re going to be spending millions of dollars of other people’s money on South Sea junkets, well-- you just can’t have a proper junket without whores! And we can probably get some Federal funding for retraining whores to a new career while providing a bridge to it from the old one.
I could go on, but basically, you need a sharp business manager. I have just filled you card for the next several years-- eternally searching, like OJ.
In a strange way we’d be paralleling the Tom Hanks character in Terminal. He is stuck in an airport, we will live in a plane – the cramped quarters and the tireless search will be featured in the next major update of the website. Left unmentioned will be that we can get off the plane wherever we want and romp with our whores on the beach. 
Me too. Is it video piracy?
Sees the FBI warning and says “I’m so Scared!”
Hey, you wouldn’t lose power. You’d still be alive and you’d still be El Presidente. Only you’d be impris…I mean, protected in your palace by my elite poo-flinging chimp forces. We’d haul you in front of a camera every few weeks to reassure the citizenry that you are, in fact, still alive.
Why not keep him safe in an “Undisclosed location”?
My closet’s safe and undislosed.
But where am I going to store the warheads for the missles when the UN inspectors come snooping about?
I have returned for drinking the blood of… er, embetter the lives of the local orphans. Still talk of a coup goes on. First, I have made it so I can start my countermeasures at will. Second, I have made it so that it can be use to err… intertain the cap… err beloved guests. And the cherry on top, I have added the worst part of this anti-coup torture imaginable.Yes, I have 10,000 talkative Jehovah’s Witnesses ready to be airlifted to our island.
With my position secured, I’ll answer some questions.
My title is of course the Supreme Master and Taste Tester of Mangonia
The National Anthem is the theme to The Simpsons.
3 and 4 have been answered, so on to #5
Taxes are $500 bucks and case of Jack D a person per year. Marry whoever you want. I don’t care. There should be a casino for every 10 people. The job is open for applicants. And cabbies need to speak English, too.
As for the missiles, go with the Microsoft. Their supposed to crash, so don’t worry about that.
Oh and Boyo Jim good ideas, but we already bought a hollowed out volcano from an old Bond villan, so make the plane a helicopter, and we’re in business.
Now I gotta go over to the videophone and uhh… bargain with the UN.
Excellant.
Will it have a submarine dock with an underwater entrance? I’ve been thinking about getting a missle submarine once the landbased missles are set up. You know, something to discourage the “proper” nation from trying to disable our nuclear blackm…er, detterent, with airstrikes or special forces teams or British Secret agents.
And perhap attack submarines for any piracy/escape operations. I think** Bosda ** would agree with me.
Though that does bring up a good question. Assuming we would purchase a missle submarine, who’s in charge of it? Head of the Navy(I’m assuming that ot be
** Bosda **) or myself, Minister of the People’s Glorius Air Force.
Just remember, the missles won’t be dilevered for two weeks, it’ll take another week to get them mated to the warheads and into a position to effectivly launch.
Well, I could get it done in two days after deliverly, but that invovles issuing order 23.
Order 23 invovles the following:
*There is no overtime, there is no lunchtime, there is no work stoppage at all until the work is done.
*Breaks can be taken at any time. Breaks involve being taken outside and shot through the back of the head.
*Use of the cat-o-nine-tails is authorized.
For some reason, I always get a lot of crap from their union every time I issue it.
So try not to give them an ultimatium that needs to be delievered on before August.
Excella…er, I mean. Oh…
Well, I will continue this conversation fairly soon. However, I think I left the headlights in my car on and I need to turn it off. I’ll be right back…
Walks out the door, breaks into a run, jumps into his car and drives away, stopping by the treasury for an “advance” on his paycheck
You’ll get the subs, but they have to be really shiny.
And deliver the missile when you can. I didn’t really need it for the UN. I just showed them some scences from Independence Day and they Gave me a few billion dollars.
For pete’s sake, you just disclosed it! Or did you mean “undisclothes’d”?
Well, Most Excellent SuperDuper, can my girlfriend & I get married or not? You would all be, of course, invited to the wedding. Girl/girl weddings rock.
Now (clears throat), as to my qualifications: I can draw things! Perhaps even develop a national logo! Also, I could be in charge of making sure there are always plenty of treats at teatime. So, to sum up: scones, teacakes, drawings and lesbian wedding. What do you say?
I also petition that Competitive Seashell Gathering be considered for inclusion as an Olympic sport.
Ah! So that’s what SuperDuperMan meant when he said:
[Bolding mine]
Aw, cr*p. That was supposed to be: