The Teeming Millions rule the world. What ministry do you want?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Let’s say tomorrow morning you wake up to find innumerable legions of genetically engineered, etc. howler monkeys swooping over your city, with air support provided by flying robot sharks with lasers on their heads. With a feeling of dread in your heart, you turn on the television. Campbell Brown is doing the news naked, and she says, “Well, the good news is that I’m now the sole host of the Today program, which you’ll notice is on every channel. The bad news is that my promotion, and my nakedness, are both due to Skald the Rhymer (may he live forever) having conquered the Earth. The God-King will be having a press conference at noon to announce all his new laws later today. I think it’s safe to say we’re all screwed, though. And I wouldn’t stand next to Peter Jackson if I were you.”

“Crap,” you say to yourself. “This is gonna be bad. We had PLENTY of warning, too. We really should have assassinated that bastard at the last Dopefest.”

Noon comes, and the press conference begins. I’m brief and to the point:

*First, let me thank you all for coming. Second, let me confirm that, yes, there are 1920-style death rays in orbit aimed at every major population center, that smoking crater in the distance is Paris, and I have implanted remote-control explosive devices at the bases of all your skulls to discourage rebellion. Third, I’m entirely too lazy to deal with the minutiae of ruling Earth. Thus, apart from a few personal projects of mine (getting a new, all-nude Firefly series on HBO, destroying France, setting up pickle mines so I have someplace to exile Paris Hilton to), I am going to delegate the actual work of running the earth to the Straight Dope Message Board community–specifically those who were members in good standing as of 16 August 2006.

Applications may be sent via email to god-king_skald@theworldisquiteenoughthankyou.com. Spelling errors will be punished by flogging.*

What post do you want? What are your qualifications? And what will you do with your newfound power?

2

Ministry of Silly Walks. It’s the only one worth having.

3

I want to be Minister of The Department Of Redundancy Department.

It’s an area in which I excel because I’m very good at it.

4

I want to be Minister of Genetically Engineered Howler Monkeys. My qualifications are that I have connections (I know some Howler Monkeys personally).

5

Exactly how will I, as God-King, benefit from having a Ministry of Silly Walks? That is, how will it strengthen my rule of the populace or amuse me? (Given that I will doubtlessly already have the complete works of Monty Python on DVD available to me, I can see all the silly walking I want anywhistle.)

First, only the God-King and SITTING MINISTERS are permitted to abbreviate. Until and unless you’re hired, it’s genetically-engineered, flesh-eating, poo-hurling, fire-breathing, venom-spewing, winged howler monkeys. Second, I already have those, and given that I’m using them to enforce my will and to devastate the Loire valley, I’m not likely to put anyone I don’t trust absolutely in charge of making more. Why should you be given such a sensitive position?

6

I’ll take the Ministry of Cinematography for Joss Whedon.

7

You forgot to attach your resume. However, since you thought of a ministry I would approve had I thought of it, you’re in like flynn.

8

Ministry of Cacao, Acai, and All Other Fruits.

More high-quality dark chocolate will be available. Vending machines will always have at least 2 options that involve dark chocolate. The average quality of all chocolate, whether by itself or used as a part of some other food or beverage, would increase. Chocolate bars would be donated to schools for their fundraisers, so those 4-dollar bars of waxy crap being peddled by tots would cease to be. Instead, reasonably-priced delicious bars of truly luscious chocolate would be on offer.

Dark chocolate Kit-Kats, which were absolutely heavenly, will become freely available again.

Really good acai dishes will be available worldwide. Acai smoothies, where acai is the dominant taste (unlike the lame, insipid things you get in the US right now), will be common all over the globe.

There will be worldwide chocolate exchange, so that chocolates or chocolate-containing foods available in one part of the world will be made available across the globe. That means you’ll be able to get good mole sauce and Swiss honey chocolates everywhere, from your local Stop-‘N’-Rob to the most remote outposts in Mongolia or Botswana.

Oh, and that delicious frothy, bitter stuff you can get in Mexico–i.e., the original chocolate drink–will be available at coffeehouses and restaurants worldwide.

All fruit will become common internationally. Really delicious mangosteens will be available, and affordable, at your local grocery store. So will passion fruits, really, really good pineapple, the likes of which we just don’t see in temperate regions, and a bunch of other luscious fruits, many of which will be unfamiliar to most of us in the northern hemisphere. People in the tropics will get luscious raspberries, cherries, strawberries, pears, apples, etc.

An extensive plant breeding project will be conducted to take less-commonly eaten, but still very yummy fruits, and make them cash crops. Preserves made from paw paws and rose hips will be as easy to find as those made from strawberries or peaches. Jams and pancake syrups will be made with mulberries. And impoverished indigenous peoples in various parts of the world will see a rise in income and standard of living when their local edible fruits become available at dinner all over planet Earth.

9

I’d like to head (heh) the Ministry of Random Sexual Exploitation, please.

10

Sorry, but none of that sounds particularly evil. I know I didn’t specify evil in the OP, but given that I was talking about genetically engineered howler monkeys, flying robot monkeys, and the Today show on every channel*, I think it was implied.

On the other hand, I like your chocolate focus. So you can do all that, but only I, the Imperial Court, and selected quislings will get any of the chocolate. And in addition to your proposed duties, you will be obliged to, once a week, go to the village square (with the chocolate-less masses gathered around, of course), eat one of those DC kit kat bars, and feed the rest of a stray cat.
Okay, so Campbell Brown nudity isn’t evil, but every system has a glitch.

11

Secretary of Baloon Doggies.

12

Minister of Reeducation.

13

Genetically engineered howler monkeys, flying robot monkeys, and the sharks with laser beams you mentioned in your OP sound cool. And whether or not they were evil would depend on how they were used.

I hate to break it to you, but I don’t think that, as dictator, you’d really be all that evil. You’re the Diet Coke of evil. Only one calorie–not evil enough. The fact that you blatantly ripped off the sharks with laser beams on their heads from the Austin Powers movies only reinforces my impression of the bogosity of your evilness. Yeah, okay, so you made them flying robot sharks, but the basic weakness still stands. I mean, real evil has the originality of genius. This is imitation evil, evil made with margarine and vanillin, an artificial flavoring. Try again, Skald.

14

Ministry of Visual and Tactile Breast Quality Assurance (hot chick division).

15

I’m cynical. I want to be in charge of the Ministry of All the People with Guns.

16

Can I have the Ministry of Quietude? I would be in charge of maiming those who abuse car stereos and car alarms and leafblowers.

This would benefit you by beefing up your reign of terror. For the evil quotient, I humbly submit that I could come up with some vivid public punishments for violators. And you yourself would certainly be exempt for such regulations as “anyone producing more than 100 decibels without a Very. Good. Reason. instantly loses one (1) useful body part.”

17

Minister of Secret Police. Our motto: “Fighting ignorance . . . by any means necessary!” :smiley:

18

This isn’t a ministerial position, but I’d make a superb head of your new Global Bar Association. If you’re delegating the task of global governance to a horde of amoral underlings, you’re going to need lawyers. Morover, these lawyers will have to be free of all that pesky “ethics” nonsense that groups like the ABA foist on us in law school. Requiring all law schools to be GBA-accredited, and placing someone evil (like me!) at the top will ensure you a suitable, sustainable crop of evil lawyers.

As for my qualifications - well, I’m a law student. And I thought of it - that has to count for something, right? Either a job or a spot in the execution queue?

19

Now I share with Scribbler a sense that you aren’t all that as evil overlords go. Come now. What would the Ministry of Silly Walks do in an evil overlord’s government?

*Force others to engage in Silly Walks of course!
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This would have the effect of crushing rebels easily. As soon as you find one, instead of imprisoning him and giving him time to plan his rebellion more thoroughly, or killing him and making him a martyr for others to follow in the footsteps of, you implant the Silly Walks microchip in him. Now, you can attract adherents pretty well with that “Down with Skald!” and “Death to Skald” and “Skald is worse than the Nazis and almost as bad as George W. Bush!” stuff, but as soon as you finish and head to your seat with a Silly Walk, no one will take you seriously. Worse yet, no chick will let you score with her. So, the rebellion is, like, doomed.

If you were REALLY evil, you’ld already have figured that out.

::Shakes had sadly at the foolishness of some god-kings::

But if I can’t serve as Minister of Silly Walks, I DO have a certain expertise at Distressing Damsels.

20

I would like to head the Ministry of Cats.

HA! Beat that for Sheer Evil®.