I have a heart condition and some associated vision problems. Not a lot of energy. I’ve been on medical leave from work for about two weeks now. I hope to go back; have yet another doctor’s appointment Monday to see whenor if I can. Still being paid and not inany financial difficulty.
Early this year my wife & I, after years of saying we had no desire to live in a house, moved into a house. We have three kids, the oldest of whom is four, and this particular house was such a good financial deal and spatial upgrade compared to our apartment that we decided dto see if we could tolerate it. It was a good deal largely because we’re renting it from my cousin "Reggie who flips houses. This was before my health problems became apparent.
Anyway, as I said, I’m low on energy and squinty of eye, and I’ve always hated yard work. This morning I woke ot the sound of a lawn mower in the yard. It was Reggie, her 11-year-old grandson, and my 17-year-old nephew. My nephew, it seems, came over the other day to borrow something, saw the rising yard, and offered to mow it. He called Reggie to ask if he could borrow her riding mower, and she recruited her grandson to assist. They came over so early because there’s a heat advisory. My wife made them lemonade. My nephew and Reggie both refused any payment and Reggie’s grandson would only take ice cream.
So I should feel grateful and loved. i am trying to feel grateful and loved. But I’m not. I feel condescended to. I know it’s irrational and stupid. I have so little energy all I can do is sit around the house. I can’t read a newspaper, or anything else that can’t be blown up 200%; obviously using the lawn mower is contraindicated. Reggie and my nepew aren’t treating me as a charity case; they’re treatig me as family. All this I know intellectually, but I still feel insulted and condescended to and mocked. And I feel guilty for being an ingrate. I just hope I was able to conceal my anger.
And so I come here to vent. I really hate myself right now.
Totally understandable. You’re angry that you can’t do things you want to or feel you “should” be able to. Since that kind of anger gives you nobody to yell at, it festers and finds somewhat ridiculous targets.
About a decade ago I cracked my tailbone, and was utterly useless for a few weeks. I found myself absolutely furious at my roommate because she ate a particular frozen dinner without first asking me if I wanted it. Despite the fact that it was purchased* for her* because it was a meal I don’t even like.
Advice? I have none, because I am also an asshole when I feel thwarted. But I can give you a solid “Yeah, I’ve been there.” Good luck.
Draelin is right, this is totally understandable under the circumstances.
I had retinal surgery a few weeks ago, and spent about a week face down - I couldn’t work, I couldn’t watch TV, I couldn’t work out or walk the dog. And my wife and kids and friends were being perfectly nice and supportive, and (sometimes) I was a surly asshole back. It’s not right, but there was no one else to snarl at.
Don’t beat yourself up over this - that’s our job.
You are loved, both by your family and neighbors, and by us Dopers. Whatever you feel, and any feelings are okay (it’s only actions that hurt people that are bad), try to remember that you are loved.
It’s your lawn, but if I were you I’d wait to tell them to get out of it until after it’s all mowed
And now in seriousness, what Draelin said. “Irritability” as an illness symptom is more often than not a matter of “I’m angry at my body, but yelling at it won’t make it behave. Stupid body!”
I can empathize. I had torn cartilage in my right hip for over 10 years. While I was not physically disabled by this, it caused me a shit-ton of pain that would not stop. Because of the constant pain, I could barely go to go to work every day and when I would get home, I would crash and mentally check out for the rest of the day.
I couldn’t travel and I had to give up going on vacations with my family. That was tough and I really resented it, even though I was happy they were able to go and have a great time. What I hated most was when they would come back with gifts and souvenirs for me. They were just trying to be nice, but to me it just reminded me of how useless I felt and combined with the non-stop pain, it made me feel patronized and that they were being condescending.
The only advice I can give is this: No matter how crappy you feel and no matter how bad your health gets, keep the lines of the communication open with your family and friends. Tell them how you are feeling. Keep them up to date on your status. You don’t have to go into detail, but say something along the lines of, “You know, I have this heart problem and my energy level has dropped so much that I am tired all the time and feel really crappy. I don’t mean to come across as ungrateful or grumpy, but if I do, this is why.”
This way they can better deal with you when you are having a bad day.
You got the sticky ticker so your old. Embrace it. Enjoy it. Consider yourself lucky that you didn’t have to wait that long to get there. Next time, as soon as they’re done mowing tell them to get off your lawn.
Or, you could just stop hating yourself for being human.
You ain’t seen nothin’ yet. My mother, a strong and proud woman who raised her family through the Great Depression, lived to 98, and of all the faculties she lost, the one she missed the most was her dignity.
Swallow your pride and send them something in appreciation - even a text thanking them for their hard work. I’m in declining health too with bursitis, diabetes, and now this damn kidney stone. My neighbor mows my yard for me, which doesn’t take him much time because he has a riding mower as big as a zamboni and I just have a puny push mower. In return, I gave him rides when he was without his license, and helped him get his license back in court. I let him borrow my space for storage and do web stuff for him.
Yes, I’m still a little angry at myself, but remember, you’re among nice people who love you and look out for you. Sometime in the past, you busted your butt and didn’t get your rewards for it. Now you are.
How you think this could be helpful I do not know.
I thanked them. We fed them and gave my young first cousin twice removed a big canister of ice cream; my nephew and adult cousin refused money I just feel condesescnded to and emasculated. Which is stupid but that’s how I feel. I don’t want to show it to anybidy
.
I hate myself because I’m afraid I’m going to make my wife a 30-year-od widow with three kids ot raise or a nursemaid to an prematurely old man. Which isn’t an immediate fear but may happen.
Maybe you should see a neurologist because your brain isn’t working right if you think you are doing something to your wife and kids. Og, Athena, or the random universe has done these things, not you.
Self-loathing and misery are my thing, I don’t appreciate you moving in on my territory. You are slightly infirmed, you are perfectly capable of continuing all your evil plans in your current condition, and maybe more motivated to so do so as well, so get back to your life’s work of fucking with our heads and plotting the demise of superheroes and your competitors in the business of nefarious deeds. Weird people everywhere are depending on you.
I spent five years in therapy trying to learn to stop beating up on myself for things and most of the time I remember what I learned, but not always. But, beating up on yourself for how you FEEL is a real waste of energy. Just feel how you feel and then remember it’s all just inside you and hurts no one but you. Give yourself permission to fee whatever it is, feel it, and then get on with things.
It is possible that you could have reciprocated appropriately yet still feel like an ungrateful jerk. That could be because you’re too hard on yourself, or because it’s hard to accept that this is probably the new normal rather than a one time thing.
If I woke up one day and found myself dependent on everyone around me, I would probably be pissed and find a way to blame it on everybody else.
I thought people rented so they could crow about not having to take care of anything in the property themselves? Just pretend you’re in that sort of rental agreement, and the landlord was taking care of her property.
Have your doctors talked to you about the commonness of depression related to heart conditions? Don’t beat yourself up for feeling angry and irritable, but definitely talk to someone about it.
I have some terrible news for you… you’re perfectly normal.
I could give you all sorts of links to nursing diagnoses with exciting names like Ineffective Individual Coping, Disturbed Body Image, Altered Family Processes and more that any patient in your situation would get at least an “At risk for…” on their chart. Or you could just trust me that I wouldn’t steer you wrong on this.
Find yourself a psych nurse and/or doctor. You need to figure this shit out so that you can continue to take care of them in the ways that you can, even if those ways are rather different than you expected them to be. You haven’t been yourself here on the board lately, either. You may need medication for a bit, just to get you through the hardest part, or you may be able to do it with cognitive behavioral therapy or counseling, but you are going to make your wife and kids miserable if you try to do it alone. When you need oxygen, you go to someone who can get you oxygen. Mental health is no different, and you, my dear Skald, sound like you’re either teetering on the edge of Depression, or already within its gaping maw.
Don’t you fucking dare wallow on behalf of your wife. Fuck that noise. She could (Athena forbid) be hit by a bus today and leave YOU a widower with three children. If the two of you had the sense of wet rat, you knew that the day you decided to join your fates. So now you’re sick…and that’s it. It doesn’t change that SHE is choosing to be with you, and that is HER choice, not yours. You only get to decide if you stay with her. She gets to decide if she stays with you. My husband is one more heart attack away from being an invalid. It took us two stops to rest for him to walk half a mile last night. He’s never ever going to be young and healthy and full of energy again. But none of those are the reasons I married him, or the reasons I love him. My reasons are mine, not his, and when he went through the same guilt and fear you’re going through, and he told me to leave him, that I deserved better, that I “didn’t sign up for this,” all I could do was shrug and tell him “You don’t get to decide that for me. If you’re not happy, you leave me. But only I get to decide if/when I leave you. Sorry.”
You have every reason to feel what you feel, it’s a changing time in your life. And you’re not wrong to express what you feel to those you feel comfortable with. But self loathing, at its core, is just self absorption. I think you sense that, because it’s not fundamentally who you are.
But don’t take up residence in self loathing, just visit for a bit and them stumble forward to whatever lies ahead.
You’re no dummy, you know what we all know, that whatever lies ahead you’ll rise up to meet it and find a way to contribute what you can. No one in the universe expects you to do more than you’re able. Yknow, except you. You might need to work on that a little.
