I am gonna be on SPRINGER!!!

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

This is, as far as I can see, the biggest benefit to having a fucked-up childhood. I may or may not have been molested by my grandfather (whih wouldn’t be a surprise to me, as he molested all ten of his legitimate children). I’ve gone to school pretty much knowing I’d get beaten up by the kid who was “dealing” with the anger of his mother having cancer . . he got karate lessons, I got to be his sparring partner.

I won’t even go that much into high school, but it will suffice to say that anyone who wants to talk about cutting yourself or being as close to killing yourself as is humanly possible can look me up on AIM.

But the pain that comes with that also comes with, when you get out of it, the knowledge of how things work. I am now able to understand how some people think . . . to the extent that I was able to help a friend of mine confront her formerly molestive father. This at the age of 13 (this girl). Damn powerful stuff.

Sometimes to be able to understand people you have to have been there and done that, and wear the t-shirt on occasion. It sucks, but there are far, far worse things that have happened to people who are far better off than I am.

22

I would not want that girl babysitting my kids!

She seems to enjoy choas, though.

23

You have waited until the very last moment to give up on this girl. I think you are more than justified in pulling the plug now, but if others had shown your attitude she might still have a chance.

24

kellibelli, you showed her that people will give chances to others. you showed her how families can work. you showed her trust. you can lead a person to well being, but you can’t make them well. that has to come from within. all you can do is keep being the good woman you are. she will see your example even in the darkness she is in now. hopefully she will see that she needs help to get out of the destructive cycle she is in now. i know that you will be there for her, perhaps in a more limited role. even limited support is something that can help her find her way.

25

{{{kellibelli}}}

And for that matter, {{{Dolly}}}.

I agree with those who say you’ve gone far beyond the call of duty on this one. But I wouldn’t expect any less from the kind person your posts reveal.

What now? As others have said, decide how much you are able to do for her, and set those limits.

Good luck, and keep up the good work!

26

Sometimes a child just needs one person, Kellibelli, and I hope you were that person for Dolly.

One of the most profound things I ever read was in a book about love - the comment was that one person who cares can relieve so much suffering in a child that has known nothing but pain. I had a pretty fucked up childhood, and it terrifies me that if I hadn’t been so lucky as to find the one person who saved me, I could be like Dolly, or a million other children, right now.

You tried. That’s all that counts.
And to everyone else - please don’t lose your faith in mankind because of what the “garbage people” do. You know, if you are poor, if you have nothing, and if no one cares (which happens more often that you can imagine) you learn to be indifferent in return to maintain your dignity. When enough people treat you like garbage, you treat everyone likewise, out of defense, and you believe that you are garbage. Enough people knock you down, and you believe you belong down. It’s not an easy cycle to escape. Try to have sympathy for the people who do not have what you have - be it honesty, money, luck or faith. Treat them with compassion and equinamity, but don’t act as if they are garbage, because you will only be reinforcing what they have been taught all their lives.

I have so much respect for you, Kellibelli. You tried to help her out and perhaps you gave her some hope. Even if you never know what happens to her, have faith that you did your best.

I’m sorry if this sounds pretentious or preachy, but this issue is very close to my heart.

27

The way I see it, you can go through life thinking that everyone is a manipulator who would do or say anything to take advantage and get what they want. Or you can go through life assuming that most people are pretty good and mean well.

If you do the former, you’ll never be taken advantage of. And you’ll also miss out on a lot. If you choose the latter, sure you’ll end up with egg on your face sometimes. But it’s worth it because those people will be the exception. You’ll have some wonderful people in your life. And some of those people whom you trust in error? You may end up having the positive effect on them that others in this thread have described.

So don’t beat yourself up for giving her a chance, or for seeing the good in her.

I can’t believe a cynical misanthrope like me just wrote that. I’m in process of reforming myself to be more of an optimist. I believe it’s a much healthier way to look at the world.

28

You sure the KID couldn’t make a few $ on Springer?

29

Kelli-

You tried the best you could to help her, and I have to believe that somewhere down the line, the kindness and trust you showed her WILL help her.

However, she has now shown that she cannot be trusted, and I agree with the poster who said that your first responsiblity is to your own children. Even if Dolly has a good heart, she has shown that she does not possess good judgement any more, and may allow harm to come to your boys without meaning to.

I also agree that trying to help her WAS being a good parent-you showed your boys that you should look beyond someone’s external appearance, and deal with them as a person, not a tongue stud. Now that Dolly has shown that she cannot be trusted, you are showing your boys that you have to have limits in what you will and will not allow.

I think you are awesome for trying, and I hope that only good comes of it. In the meantime, I echo the suggestion about changing the locks.

((((((Kelli)))))

30

One of the things that constantly amazes me is that the people in this Message Board are, for the most part, sarcastic & cynical to an extreme degree. That’s one of the reasons I post here. Well, thats not what amazes me. What does amaze me is that there are people like you, Kelli, who are so generous, loving and trusting here. You have more patience than I could ever have, and I really do admire you for it.

No, you didn’t help this girl. You couldn’t; nobody could.

But you tried harder than anyone else she has ever known, and no matter where she ends up, she will remember you for it. I’m not at all the religious type, but I still say that you were doing the work of the Divine. Sleep well tonight, knowing that no matter what happened, you did the Right thing.

31

Nothing new on the Dolly front (I see I slipped and called her Holly - oops)

She goes back to court tomorrow about her probation for fighting, the judge adjourned for the summer to see if she straightened out. I am hoping they will put her in custody until the baby comes.

I just wanted to tell everyone how humbled and touched by your comments I was. I certainly feel better about myself, and I guess I dont really regret it. I dont know what I could have done differently.

If you are religous, or whatever, and have any extra vibes out there, please remember Holly’s baby in your prayers.

32

Kelli,

Although concern for the safety of your children should be the deciding factor in your actions, please don’t think that the help you gave was without meaning. Let me share a story of my own.

At 19, I was stationed in Virginia Beach at my first duty station. While at the base club one night, I sent a few drinks over to a table that had two young ladies sitting at it. One of the women came over, and we started chatting. After talking most of the evening, she invited me back to “her” place. I went along, and the evening proceeded upon normal lines. As I left the next morning, she gave me her number, and I promised I’d call. Much to her surprise, I really did call later that day, and asked her out again. Over the next few days, I learned more about her. She was 17, a high school drop-out, had a little girl, and was living with these two guys that were out to sea at the moment. She had gotten married at 16, and her husband left her when he found out she was pregnant. Leaving her homeless while going through her pregnancy. Her mom was about a worthless piece of work as I’d ever seen, and wouldn’t let her stay with her. When her “roommates” returned from their tour, she told me that she had to move out because they were being transferred. I knew this wasn’t the case, and that she had probably been sleeping with one or both of them to earn a place to stay with her little girl. As she had been seeing me for about a month at this point, I’m sure the other guys weren’t exactly happy about her seeing me all the time. So she moved in with me. Her and her little girl lived with me about 10 months, till it really was time for me to go overseas for my next tour. For the whole time I had been seeing her, all my friends and family told me that she was just using me, that I shouldn’t get involved, too much baggage, not my problem. And while I’m sure to an extend this was true, what was I going to do? Turn my back and let her and her little girl be homeless again? When it came time for me to leave, I rented a truck, drove her and her little girl down to Mississippi were her grandparents lived. They had a spare house that she could stay in while she got back on her feet. After dropping her off, I drove the rest of the way to Ohio to drop off the stuff I wasn’t taking at my dad’s. Total mileage around 1800 miles in 3 days, including loading and unloading a 24 ft truck. Cost me about $1000 all told. As an e-4 at the time, that was a huge amount of money to me.

This was in 1993 or so. Since then, she’s gotten her GED, graduated from college with an education degree, and her and her husband are both teachers with another little boy of their own. I still talk with her now and then.

So yeah, while there are people that will take advantage, and never change no matter what you do, sometimes…just sometimes…you can make a difference in someone’s life. So don’t ever stop lending a hand when you can. Along with faith in G*d is faith in your fellow man. That most people really want to do the right thing, really want to get back on their feet. Do what you can, when you can…that’s all anyone can ever do.

I hope it all works out, and you know you can always drop me a line if you need to talk.

33

You couldn’t have phrased it better.

You did right to help her when you did. And you are doing right now to stop, and hold back. If she doesn’t want to change yet, you can’t make her change. Hopefully, there will come a time when she does want to change. It will be up to you then whether you want to help her or not. If she truly wants to change, she will be able to do so with or without your help, so don’t feel bad if you are still gun-shy at that point. She has lost your trust, and she will have to earn it back. Someday, she may even thank you for what you did for her. People have a way of remembering the folks who believed in them.

Wow, but you’ve touched a nerve here. There is much that I want to say, but I don’t feel like breaking down here at work. Suffice it to say that I was once one of those street living ‘garbage’ people and I am not anymore. Some days I think about where I was 14 years ago, living on the streets, and wonder how on earth I got here. But I really do know - for a long time, people tried to change me with no result. When I decided to change, I did. People can change, but people cannot make other people change.

I’m rambling now, so that is enough.

Good luck, kellibelli. I know that we do not know each other well, but let me know if you would like to talk.