Talk to me...

i am on a ledge, and its a long way down. But down looks very inviting.

If i had anyone to care for the boys, I may have already jumped,but responsibilities hold me there,looking at the edge, and unable to move.

Talk to me my friends of happy things, quickly please, its very dark here.

Tell me how bad things have seemed, and how good they got. Happy stuff, romance, flowers anything please.

yours in abject misery,
Kelli

God kelli! Get over here! (Gives you big old bear hug and twirls you around until you laugh).

Things might seem bleak but remember that the only constant in the universe is CHANGE. Nothing stays the same. Tell me what you are upset about and I’ll do my best to help.


Best!
Byz

Kelli, what’s wrong dear?

Things are never that bad my dear, all life is worth living.

I have had many a dark moment… and plenty recently. I was feeling the way you did.

Then I realized that some things I was worrying about could not be changed by me, and my disappearecne would not effect them one way or another, and would do more harm than good.

Instead i learned to build from the experiences and not waste time feeling bad or angry about the pain.

Life is pain, and when you feel pain you can either dwell on it , which makes you feel worse, or you can choose to see how it can be used to make you better.

We all care about you Kelli.

Let us know how we can help.


She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.

it’s always darkest before the dawn Kelli. Keep that in mind. Times do get better.


I really try to be good but it just isn’t in my nature!

Winston Churchill considered committing suicide as a young man.

When he was kicked out of the Cabinet in WW I, he considered his political career completely over, and felt his life had been a waste.
Dark times alway pass, and good times always wait. Just remember- when things can’t get any worse, that means that they can only get better.

Besides, if you let yourself slip away, who’ll be around to help us when we get depressed?

Hugs and best wishes.


JMCJ

“John C., it looks like you have blended in very nicely.”
-UncleBeer

The New Year gives us all hope. Think how things could get better. Try to have a relaxing Holiday and enjoy the festivities.

Kelli, those boys need you! Don’t abandon them to shitboy and his kin.

Somebody email me kelli’s address, and let’s take up a collection to send her flowers . . . .

-Melin

I keep doing all those self-affirmations by jack handy, but all I want to do is scream until my head explodes!
We had a pipe burst last week, and everything got wet, now some of the carpet is mouldy, and stinky.
The furnace here is fumey, and me and the kids stink like furnace oil, its hurting teds asmtha, and I cant afford to move, especially now, I just heard from shitboys mom that he has moved out west somewhere to avoid paying me . My daycare subsidy has run out, and now i am faced with $600/month for child care, I was only paying $150/month before, and now I will be losing $400/month in child support…if you are paying attention., this is a loss of $1000/ month! i am so totally fucked!

And my car quit again today, its 20 years old, and I am ashamed to be seen in it, all the others in my office have nice cars, and I look like white trash in the poor-mobile.
Fuck.
I was doing really well $$ wise for the last few months, and I hate being poor.

And I am worried about mom.

And how will I tell the boys that daddy has just moved away for good? Maybe the pitbulltroll is right…maybe women really dont have any business raising kids alone…maybe we can force the men to be daddies.

I will be better soon, I took one of my xanax, and it should kick in soon, and I will be calm and numb again.

I just cant find my way…what do I do? i cant not go to work? The kids must be cared for, and we have to eat, have elect, phone etc.

The paytv is going back, but even if I have to sell a kidney, I wont give up my internet. I swear to god, its the only thing that keeps me from going totally postal.

thanks for caring guys.

oh, and my landlords response is: If you dont like it move.

(in very rare serious voice)
Let me tell you something, kellibelli. I can honestly say I know how you feel. I’ve been suicidal before. Never mind all the details why, but I was-- several times. I’ve laid down on RR tracks, I’ve been on top of a high building, I’ve held a gun to my head. For some reason, I didn’t go through with it(obviously!). I can’t say exactly why, I just didn’t. Here’s the thing: suicide is a permanent solution for a temporary problem. Also, there is no guarantee it would be better…and I’m not gonna get in a spiritual discussion…but really, do you know for sure? No. If it helps…keep this in mind: we are all going to die. We will find out. As long as we’re here, let’s stick around-- if for no other reason than to see what happens next. A few years is nothing compared to an eternity. Now, even though things didn’t get better right away…I am very grateful that I didn’t go through with it! I’ve had countless experiences I would have missed. One good laugh would be worth it to me, but it’s been that and much, much more. I’ve laughed, I’ve made love, I’ve met interesting people, I’ve read and seen things I never would have dreamed of–and oh yes, I’ve dreamed.
Life can be extremely painful…I know that. Some of that pain has led to growth that I would not have known without it. Conversely, Life can be joyous. We don’t always know when that joy will come. It could be years away, or just around the next corner. At least hang out long enough to see if your mood might change.

All that said, I assume you have seen a doc or a counselor about this? If it’s clinical depression, it can be treated. Don’t give up on your first or second try with meds. There are many out there and diff ones work for diff people. They also take time to start working. Do not dismiss the idea of support groups, either. They can be lifesavers in ways you’ll never know unless you try.

Feel free to e-mail me. I’d like to hear how you are doing.

::throws kellibelli a frisbee:

Time to come out and play girl!! Let’s have some fun if only in the confines of our imagination. Laughter does help


I really try to be good but it just isn’t in my nature!

P.S. Alprazolam (Xanax) is a good for anxiety and panic attacks, but it can make your depression worse. You may look into getting on something else.

kelli, I know how you feel. Life overwhelms sometimes, but it does get better. I am raising 2 boys myself as well. Its hard, but the rewards are deliciously sweet.Just hang in there, love your boys, cut corners where you can, cry if it makes you feel better(sometimes when its over, it does), take a nice hot bath. Don’t run away from the problems, don’t try to cover them up. Face them in all their terribleness. And when you conquer them one by one, realize what an awesome mom and person you are and how strong you truly are. Once you hit rock bottom you can only go up, believe me. I’ve been there.
And don’t let shitboy (lol) run away from his responsibilites. GO GET A COURT ORDER. They will take it right from his paycheck, they will find him, they’ll take his income tax return. It doesnt cost you anything to get the order. I strongly recommend it. Watch a funny movie with your boys tonight, your reason for living and pulling through the muck will be there in front of you. xoxo psycat


so you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts. what’s so amazing about really deep thoughts? Tori Amos

Kelli,
E-mail me anytime to talk. suzette100@yahoo.com
I know things look bleak, but there are steps you can take to help things get better. Try contacting a church organization or a local womens shelter for financial assistance. They may be able to help. Take care,
Zette


Love is like popsicles…you get too much you get too high.

Not enough and you’re gonna die…
Click here for some GOOD news for a change Zettecity

Kelli: you know what? I’ve been there, too. It gets better. Trust me.

TennHippie said it best:

You are such a wonderful person. don’t make this world a darker place. Stay with us.

you want to hear happy? I’ve finally found someone I can truly connect with. I haven’t been this happy in a long time. My life is getting better by the day.

Have faith in yourself; we have faith in you.


You say “cheesy” like that’s a BAD thing.

in canada do they have some kind of aid to dependant children (adc in the u.s.)? food stamps or free food programs? rent or heating subsidy? when i was raising 3 kids on (for a while) $300/month, i was willing to accept any help available.

start with whatever the canadian dept of economic security (des) is, a shelter, or the canadian bar association. any of them should be able to give you some names to call. & get on that court order asap.

what about a city or provincial entity that looks at what constitutes a slumlord? sounds dangerous. would your local fire department intervene?

in the u.s. many fraternal orders assist low-income folks w/ things like specialized medical care, glasses, whatnot. perhaps there is a group that might help w/ the car?

& keep in mind that a lot of your current downer mindset is just because of these pesky holidays. we’re under a lot of pressure to make merry while the day-to-day pressures haven’t let up. fortunately, they’re almost past.

at the very least get on the phone & start making some calls. small triumphs snowball. you’re normally strong. you can get thru this. you will.

now come in off the damn ledge. it’s fucking cold out there.


The purpose of life is to matter, to count, to have it make a difference you lived at all.

Keli…you were given those boys for a reason…maybe to pull you in when you are on that ledge…God looks after us in mysterious ways. I only had one son…but I’ve been where you are. My biggest problem was swallowing my pride and letting people know that I needed help. I didn’t need to ask for help…only needed to let people know that I needed it…once I got past the point of self-pride…my life got easier because I learned to take and acept help.
Please check everywhere you can for help…and get that court order to stop the bozo from leaving…or at least have a forwarding address.

::repeating all said above, esp TennHippie’s wise words and the hugs from all::

Life if dumping on you, like a circling flock of seagulls on Ex-lax. But it is temporaray and there is help! Honestly, it ain’t just in your head. The problems are real, but they won’t last. You will, your kids will, and “good stuff” will.

On a practical note, there are plently of places out there who exist only to help people who run into jams like this. Around here, a good place to start is “Information Referral”; listed in phone books, but they’re a clearing house for service agencies that have the resources and desire to help folks when your kind of circumstances hit.

I don’t know if the name would be the same where you live, but if nothing else call the United Way or Red Cross. Even if they do what you need, they’ll know who does. There are good people and organizations, right there where you live, who exist to help good people who get clobbered. Let them help, and then when you have by the world by the tail again, you can return the good deed in your turn.

All the best to you. If you want to rant, whine, vent, cuss or cry, please feel free to email me. But hang in. Apologies for the cliche, but it’s true: tough times don’t last but tough people do.

Stay in touch, okay?

Veb

Oh Kelli! I’m new to you here, but your beautiful self coming through on this space made me interested in this board in the first place. That’s some powerful magic you got!

I’ve been in that dark place, too, for all the hard reasons. I remember how difficult it was to see the good in anything during that time, and that it seemed too difficult to go through another day. But here awhile later the clouds have moved on, the financial difficulties got better, and the world seemed a worthwhile place after all.

I’ll tell you a Buddhist analogy of the nature of life. It brightened the spirit of another friend when she was out on the ledge… If you think of all time as an ocean, and of all the ways you could be, a human life is very precious. It’s as if a turtle were swimming in that vast ocean and, while surfacing, poked his head exactly through the center of a life preserver… what are the chances? That’s the precious nature of your own life.

You’ve shared yourself with all on this board, and it’s definetely a better place for it. I wish I knew you in real space, Kelli. You’re exceptional. Do good things for yourself: long baths, good books, your favorite breakfast for dinner, and hold your boys tight, cause each other is the best medicine. You’ll get through this. If you need anyone to grab a hand, I’ll be glad to, as well as all these other folks.

Oh, man, I wish I could give you a big HUG and tuck you into the most cozy place to dream on in. Well, from my mind to yours, keep on Kelli. Like Byz says, the only constant is change, and I’ll add, our caring for each other is the magic thread that helps us hang on for the ride…

Kelli, hon, hang on.

Four years ago, I was this close to losing my business. A tiny business, but one I built with many years of hard work and sacrifice. The bank,($95,000) and the creditors, ($60,000) wanted their money because the receivables were outweighed by the payables two to one.

I had to sell my building and rent a unit, and took a mortgage on the house. I bought some time with my lenders and then I hoped for the best.

There were times when I suddenly had to go to the basement. So my wife wouldn’t see me cry. For the first time in my life, suicide made sense.

But, little by little, things started to improve. I’m not back to where I was, but
I’m getting there.

Hang on, Kells. You’re not licked yet.