I did.
And so ends intelligent human life… You must have seen the movie Idiocracy.
How does that help the OP? Tell the pregnant girl, “Be more like evlkitty, and you’ll be just fine?”
Sorry, I get touchy around the idea that the only people good enough to have families are people who live in a manner than only a tiny percent of the world, and a statistically non-existent portion of human history, can experience. I also find it kind of laughable the the “responsible” cutoff seems to hover right around the income of whoever is doing the writing. YOU can have kids responsibly, of course, but not those slobs over there!
These are my friends, remember, who you are saying are not worthy of being a part of the grand human story and the building block of human existence. You are saying my personal friends are incapable of loving and caring for their own children, that their smiles and joy are not meaningful, and that all they should get out of life is fruitless toil until they die alone. That they should pass in and out an existence that should have never even happened, leaving not a trace, and ending the thousands of generations of desire, love and hope that led up to each and every one of us in the face of the worst odds. All because they don’t measure up to the American middle class standards of a ranch house and a Corolla.
You’d think with the fact that our lifestyle is at best one hundred years old and confined to a small chunk of the planet that the world would be just one unending hell. But a quick trip to an art gallery, a library, or even a talk with your grandparents (who probably lived in what we’d consider grinding poverty) reveals something different. Despite it all- and there is a lot- human life is beautiful.
Okay, enough hijacks from me.
Some turn out to be wonderful parents. I’m genuinely glad that you did. Others, like my old next door neighbor (who was 17 when she got pregnant and abused by her own parents growing up), spend their days screaming at the toddler to “stop being a c**t” and shoving the child with all her might into coffee tables when the child falls on her by accident. That little girl was taken from her parents by CPS soon afterward. The hard statistics tell us the second scenario is more likely than the first.
Now, I’m not telling limegreen that this will automatically be the case for her future grandchild. I don’t have a crystal ball, after all. Probably the it will turn out somewhere between “total nightmare” and “great life”. But I don’t see that LindsayBluth’s attitude approaches glee either. She’s simply being realistic about the scenario. Her reaction is totally in line with what the statistics tell us about the products of poverty and single motherhood.
I got pregnant unexpectedly at 26, only five months after the birth of my first child, and it has been hard as hell at some points. And I have the benefit of a great, supportive partner and extended family. I had also been through literally years of counseling to deal with some past trauma and family issues that had caused me to behave insanely for some years. As unexpected pregnancies go, I was in the best of circumstances, and yet I have still been completely unprepared for how hard it was going to be to put a life together for two boys 14 months apart in difficult financial circumstances. Now, consider that this little girl doesn’t have the 9 years of experience and the support I do. Some people put it together wonderfully, and that’s great. Many, many more don’t. We’ve got to start saying that out loud without being afraid of accusations of being gleeful about fetus death or evil baby haters. I’ve witnessed this “babies are always a blessing!!!” attitude be the root cause of so much human suffering and struggle. I’m tired of it.
Well, I’m happy that you posted this hijack, at least. I generally like yours posts, and I enjoyed the positive view you brought to this thread.
(Apologies to the OP, but I’ve no useful advice to give)
No. I think you missed the point. All I’ve been trying to say is that a pregnant 17 year old does not mean the end of the world. The situation is what it is.
All that can be done at this point is to make the best of it. If everyone goes into this thing with the attitude that the situation is already FUBAR, then so it will be.
Lighten up people.
Limegreen, obviously I don’t have any advise that will “fix” the situation. But, despite all the monumental difficulties this brings, please know that this situation does not mean the end of the world.
When I said “go with it” I meant roll with the punches. I understand that you have some health problems and I’m sorry that you are dealing with this on top of that. I can’t imagine how difficult and overwhelming this must feel for you and your family. Stay positive. I know it is easier said than done, but really, attitude is everything.
There are lots of resources available to you, the mother, and your family. Find them and use them. You are not the first person to go through this, and you won’t be the last.
Good luck, and keep us posted on what happens.
Hang in there!
Early in the thread, someone mentioned open adoption. I just read Dan Savage’s book about his experiences.
The Kid: What Happened After My Boyfriend and I Decided to Go Get Pregnant
It was well written, and could serve as a resource for your family’s thinking.
Good luck to all of you.
David
Clearly, the OP’s kid should move to Africa.
Whether or not the girl would be better off having an abortion is moot. The op has said she wouldn’t be okay with that and she said, “She’s needy and desperate, and wants a family above anything else.” which means I would bet even money that she planned this pregnancy. Abortion is obviously not on the table. Based on her desire for family I’d bet she doesn’t think adoption should be on the table either. If this is the case do not push her towards adoption. As someone who is considering adopting a child myself I have to say that I would be heartbroken if I had someone who told us we were going to adopt their child only to find that she later changed her mind and the child I had come to think of as my own went home with her instead. Don’t do that to the potential adoptive parents out there if you already know she wants to keep her baby.
Yeah, what’s up with all the arguing about something that was clearly, unambiguously rejected as Not An Option in the OP? It doesn’t matter what any of think about whether this pregnancy should continue–it matters what the girlfriend, son, and OP think, and they’re not willing to consider that option. So there’s not a speck of sense in this whole debate.
I’m not really trying to convince anyone to get an abortion, but I get this frustrated feeling whenever someone tells me they’re pregnant in an awful situation but they won’t consider anything but keeping the child because “babies are a blessing”. I don’t think it’s an absolute requirement to have 2 cars, a ranch house, 400 million in the bank and so on, but a basic stability is absolutely essential. So when someone gets pregnant and all they are considering is how much they’ll like having a baby and not the impact their lifestyle will have on the baby, it calls up my natural inclination to argue. After all, if someone had said to me “This is going to be really hard. Harder than you think” when I was pregnant with Bram, at least I would have been more prepared.
When my friend’s ex girlfriend told me that she was pregnant by one of the two guys she had slept with in the span of two days, when she was about to go to jail, and in one of the most discordant situations I’ve ever seen a person in, but that she was keeping the baby because “yay babies!” it drove me nuts. (That’s an awkward sentence, but attempts at revision just make it more muddled.) It’s like having your friend tell you, “Hey! I really enjoy flying so I’m going to drive this car off this cliff!”, and then having to watch them do it. It’s maddening.
Again, Limegreen’s situation may turn out wonderfully, and I hope it does. Either way I have no doubt that this child will bring joy to the hearts of many people regardless. I just worry, because I know what the numbers say, and I think these children deserve so much better than what I know may be in store for them.
Exactly. Nobody is saying you need to be rich to have kids, but seriously, lots of kids live in abject poverty, and they are hungry and have little chance for success, and nobody envies them.
even sven, seriously, you can’t take everything so damn personally; it’s rather selfish of you to say: “these are my FRIENDS you’re talking about!” :rolleyes: Plus it’s a totally different situation. I absolutely resent the “we can be happy in the mud and the sticks!” because in Africa, like sven’s experience, there are tons of willing and able caregivers in the community, which is 100% unlike the situation in the US and especially within this family.
Jesus thank you, I was otherwise being portrayed as an evil baby-killer. My own mom got pregnant at 39 and my dad was 49. Even at the tender age of 8 I knew something was wrong. But they decided to keep the child, but also decided they could not raise a child with special needs. And the littlestbluth is happily here today, a sophomore in high school - but not without repercussions. He has horrific allergies (that our brother and I don’t have) that have only recently been quelled by massive doses of allergy shots. A single cat will still render his eyes puffy for days if he doesn’t have a Benadryl in advance. In spite of being over 6’ tall and muscular, he gets colds and other ailments often. He has the worst conditions of both sets of the family. My dad may not live to see him graduate college. He may not live to see him marry, and he almost definitely won’t live to see his grandkids. These are tradeoffs, people, but manageable ones. My parents were extremely financially and emotionally secure so it was manageable, and the littlestbluth came into this world with a host of caregivers and health professionals there every step of the way.
Looks like we scared away the OP anyways.
limegreen sounds like a brave woman. If she doesn’t come back (and I wouldn’t blame her) then I doubt it will be out of fear.
Uh, you do realize that allergic rhinitis and the occasional cold are probably not good examples to warn people of the horrible, drastic consequences facing children born in less than ideal circumstances?
I didn’t feel it necessary to list his other - more serious and thus more private - medical conditions.
No, I’m still here…absorbing all the information. I sent this thread to my husband who is not a Doper, and we’re both reading along.
The girl goes to the OB today, I think, and we might hear some more information. Her mother miscarried several times, and since she weighs about 90, the doctor has already warned her there might be complications.
Limegreen, I’m sorry if I’ve offended you. I don’t mean to make a bad situation worse by piling chicken little scenarios all over the place. I just feel really strongly that we owe people in situations like this a little devil’s advocacy, I guess. I like people and children and I don’t like to see them suffer, and I’ve seen too much of it in the circles I run in (need new friends). It’s true that this doesn’t have to be the end of the world. It will just be very hard. Good luck. 
That’s a huge baby.
Well, then you should have said that, because I didn’t think much of your argument as it stood either. Assuming these more serious and private medical conditions are related to the age of your parents, I think you have a good point.
And I’m very disappointed in you for not referring to your brother as busterbluth or at least michaelbluth. (buster’d be funnier, though a little insulting to your brother, I suppose.)