I Am Leaving My Husband. Help!

[lisacurl]

@Otto

But it’s not his choice, not his informed choice. Yes, if he’s fully informed of his legal rights by his non-conflicted advocate and after having been so advised chooses to accept less than what he’s legally entitled to, then more power to him for making that decision for whatever reason. That’s not even close to what’s being described here. Here, his advocate is mired in an inescapable conflict of interest. His advocate knows that he’s entitled to more than what’s being offered and is actively engaged in a conspiracy with the other spouse to conceal that information. The lawyer should be disbarred. If the wife isn’t subject to criminal sanctions for engaging in the conspiracy and fraud then I hope the judge finds out about it and tosses her ass in jail for civil contempt for a good long stretch, in a cell right next to the lawyer.

Yes. I get that. I didn’t reiterate it because the point had been made several times already in the thread.

Dude should get his own lawyer. If he chooses NOT to, though, that’s his problem. Sure, I think the OP should encourage if not force her future ex-hub to seek his own representation, but you can’t save people from their own incompetence or laziness or whatever.

Like most personal advice threads here on the SDMB, none of us really know the whole story of what’s going on.

[wonky]

@DianaG

Same guy? Different guy? Just an overwhelming obsession with the concept of alimony?

Gah. I had nearly blocked that thread from my mind. Curse you, DianaG!

[astro]

@Diogenes the Cynic

After reading that other thread it appears that something really fishy is going on here. Four months ago, the OP claimed that she was going to break off an engagement to another man and that she had two kids. Now she’s saying she’s already been married for eight years and only mentions one kid. :dubious:

I guess it’s possible that in the thread from May, she just didn’t bother to mention that she was already married and maybe she only has one kid with this guy and another from somewhere else. Even so, the stories are strikingly dissimilar and really only share a common theme of griping about how assets are distributed after a divorce.

Here’s what she said in the other thread. It’s not in conflict with what she said in the OP for this thread, as she’s only addressing the kid they have together

“We have a daughter together”.

It’s kind of misleading however as it makes it sounds as if there’s only one kid.

Prior thread:

I have two children who I have supported by myself their entire lives. I have worked hard to build a nest egg and a good career. Upon the news of alimony, I immediately broke off the relationship. If we are to be together, I can not tolerate for one second money to be paid to another woman as a reward for her laziness. Yes, it would be “his” money but this isn’t what I signed up for, having money taken out of a home we will build together to pay her.

Yes, he was and is still married. Hence the settlement issues. He and I were both separated dealing with ending our marriages when we met which was our common ground to start with. I had a prenup before I married so settlements and alimony are not an issue with my divorce. That is the scoop for those curious about the details.

OP for this thread

At the time of our marriage, I owned a home. During the marriage, I sold that one and I purchased another one. I say “I” because my husband and I have never shared finances and the property is in my name only. I have always paid 100% of the mortgage, house repairs, maintenance, taxes etc. Our agreement was he was obligated to pay the utilities of the home. He has done this pretty regularly but he contributes nothing else. He isn’t a very ambitious man. Works only when he needs the money to cover the above named obligation and that is it. We have a daughter together. I pay for her private school, clothing, medical insurance, and dentist. In essence, everything. Again, he pays the utilities. Phone, cable, electric, water

[Kalhoun]

@Diogenes the Cynic

After reading that other thread it appears that something really fishy is going on here. Four months ago, the OP claimed that she was going to break off an engagement to another man and that she had two kids. Now she’s saying she’s already been married for eight years and only mentions one kid. :dubious:

I guess it’s possible that in the thrad from May, she just didn’t bother to mention that she was already married and maybe she only has one kid with this guy and another from somewhere else. Even so, the stories are strikingly dissimilar and really only share a common theme of griping about how assets are distributed after a divorce.

Could she still have been married, but in a heavy relationship with the boyfriend, and has a kid that is no longer a dependent?

[OneCentStamp]

@Diogenes the Cynic

After reading that other thread it appears that something really fishy is going on here. Four months ago, the OP claimed that she was going to break off an engagement to another man and that she had two kids. Now she’s saying she’s already been married for eight years and only mentions one kid. :dubious:

Eek. I went and read foxy40’s other alimony thread. :dubious:

Umm, foxy, why don’t you just ask what you really want to know? You seem to be dancing around something here.

[eleanorigby]

Well, now that that is cleared up, I only have one thought: those poor kids.

[Frank]

I don’t see much contradiction in the two OPs, just different perspectives.

What is clear is that foxy40 seems to believe that it is OK for the stronger partner to screw over the weaker partner in a divorce, and that is morally abhorrent no matter the genders.

[chowder]

Colour me suspicious but I reckon Foxy is acting the goat., for what reason I have no idea.

I don’t believe any of her OP I reckon it’s a load of bull and the absence of any replies from her is significant

[Foxy40]

Ok, there is so much here and I appreciate it. I am going to try to address the questions as best as I can.

In regards to the last post, that was in reference to the man I have been seeing since my separation from my husband. It has nothing to do with this situation. My husband has been living in a separate part of the house for over a year now but it is time for him to go. It is confusing our daughter.

The divorce attorney is mine however, she is a family attorney simply drawing up the papers and filing what he and I agree upon. As long as it clears with the judge, it is fine.

I know most divorces are ugly and evil but ours will not be. We are both kind and reasonable people and have agreed this marriage did not work out. I have worked hard in my life but refused to have my husband be a “kept man” hence the utility payments. They add up to less than 1/4 the mortgage payment and keeping up with the house (pool service, landscaper, etc).

I am trying to get away with what is “legal” and trying to find in my heart what is “right”. Now since I did have the prenupt, the money I put down on the house is mine and will come off the top.

He will not get a lawyer because he simply doesn’t want one. We aren’t fighting about anything. He came into this relationship with nothing and is very appreciative of the life he has led. This is not a NASTY UGLY process. I just want to know if giving him 20,000 is enough or should I give him half of over 200,000 in equity. I don’t want to be “shady” but I also don’t want to feel like I got taken for a ride.

As I said, with the prenup he never thought he was going to get anything. He is totally resigned to that fact and honestly doesn’t think he deserves anything. Although he would most certainly take it if offered,I doubt he would get a lawyer and fight for it if he found out.

I am getting the impression that I should just give it to him and be done with it. It will certainly make him very happy although he will piss it away within six months with nothing to show for it.

He will never ever pay child support. He just won’t. He will always struggle working just as much as he needs to to keep a roof over his head. Child support requests would just mean court dates and hassles and he losing his license constantly. I have and will continue take care of my children on my own.

I hope I answered enough to help any struggling with an opinion. I see it seems cut and dry to most and maybe it is.

[Kalhoun]

Not that it’s any of my business, but if this is a lazy man with no interest in his children, work, or fair contribution to his living situation, what was the attraction in the first place? What did he do with his time every day?

[Bear_Nenno]

@Foxy40

He will never ever pay child support. He just won’t. He will always struggle working just as much as he needs to to keep a roof over his head. Child support requests would just mean court dates and hassles and he losing his license constantly.

Then I stand by my prior statement. Whatever amount you decide is correct–legally and ethically–you should subtract all future child support payments from that amount.
That way he can feel secure and proud that he isn’t a deadbeat and that all his childsupport is paid in full. So if you decide half of over 200,000 is the right thing to give him, deduct the child support and college from that amount and tell him he’s good to go and doesn’t need to worry about future payments or obligations.

[Foxy40]

@chowder

Colour me suspicious but I reckon Foxy is acting the goat., for what reason I have no idea.

I don’t believe any of her OP I reckon it’s a load of bull and the absence of any replies from her is significant

Sorry for the delay, I am at work and trying to close out the quarter. In reference to anyone curious about the last post and what happened, he and I have continued the relationship partially due to the comments from here. Hence this post today. I could go to a divorce message board but I see so much bitterness there and advice on this board seems more logical and removed.

(Rather than link a long thread , several months ago I asked opinions on whether alimony is fair and right when one spouse did not contribute to a relationship either financially, rearing children or being a homemaker. I was essentially blasted for my bitterness at the laws that forced my boyfriend to pay his (soon to be ex) wife money for an indefinite period of time. Still burns my butt and I try not to think about it.)

I have no motivation in these posts. I have questions and am seeking your thoughts. Nothing more. I sincerely appreciate any well thought out opinions.

[Foxy40]

@Bear_Nenno

Then I stand by my prior statement. Whatever amount you decide is correct–legally and ethically–you should subtract all future child support payments from that amount.
That way he can feel secure and proud that he isn’t a deadbeat and that all his childsupport is paid in full. So if you decide half of over 200,000 is the right thing to give him, deduct the child support and college from that amount and tell him he’s good to go and doesn’t need to worry about future payments or obligations.

This is certainly something to seriously consider and would be totally fair. If we take his equity say 100,000, subtract the 30,000 I put down, the 36,000 that would be a minimum child support payment for the remaining 11 years and use a formula to estimate one half of college and dorm fees in the year 2017, he would get a little more than the 20,000 and I wouldn’t feel like I “kept” a man for 8 years.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is why I come here.

[you_with_the_face]

Ethically speaking, you need to make sure he knows his legal entitlements. Deliberately keeping him in the dark is what will keep you awake at night, not anything else. If your relationship is all what you say it is, then you guys should be able to reach a decision that both of you will satisfied with. He doesn’t sound like the type who will try to take you for a ride, so trust that he’ll do the “right thing”.

Why mess up an amicable divorce by withholding information from him in a self-serving manner? That’s how I look at the situation.

[Foxy40]

@Kalhoun

Not that it’s any of my business, but if this is a lazy man with no interest in his children, work, or fair contribution to his living situation, what was the attraction in the first place? What did he do with his time every day?

The attraction was his creativity and musical abilities, none of which is uses in anyway to support himself or us. The marriage took place because our birth control method failed and I felt it was the right thing to do. It was never a convential marriage but my daughter wasn’t born to an unwed mother and that was important to both of us.

[Frank]

@Foxy40

This is certainly something to seriously consider and would be totally fair. If we take his equity say 100,000, subtract the 30,000 I put down, the 36,000 that would be a minimum child support payment for the remaining 11 years and use a formula to estimate one half of college and dorm fees in the year 2017, he would get a little more than the 20,000 and I wouldn’t feel like I “kept” a man for 8 years.

Is child support a given in Florida under these circumstances? If the breadwinner father kept the child, would an assetless mother be required to pay support?

[WhyNot]

@Foxy40

This is certainly something to seriously consider and would be totally fair. If we take his equity say 100,000, subtract the 30,000 I put down, the 36,000 that would be a minimum child support payment for the remaining 11 years and use a formula to estimate one half of college and dorm fees in the year 2017, he would get a little more than the 20,000 and I wouldn’t feel like I “kept” a man for 8 years.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is why I come here.

It sounds logical and good. Now go to your lawyer and make sure it’s LEGAL.

One thing I found out, in this state anyway, is that the state doesn’t give a rat’s ass if the custodial parents wants or feels like they need child support - the STATE wants them to get child support, especially if they are trying to use any state services like health insurance for the kids, food stamps, etc. While you’re financially stable now, and I hope you always are, you never know what might happen. You might lose your house and have to go on disibility and get health insurance for your kids, and the state will go after your ex for child support - which he thinks he’s already paid. The state may disagree, refuse you disability and insurance, and you’ll be SOL.

Sure, it’s farfetched. But make sure that pre-paid child support coming out of a divorce settlement payment is legal, and that all your t’s are crossed and i’s dotted before you make a potential nightmare for yourself down the road.

[TroubleAgain]

@Frank

Is child support a given in Florida under these circumstances? If the breadwinner father kept the child, would an assetless mother be required to pay support?

IANAL, but IME, I believe they are required to pay whatever was within their ability to pay.

[Foxy40]

@Frank

Is child support a given in Florida under these circumstances? If the breadwinner father kept the child, would an assetless mother be required to pay support?

Yes. The non primary residential parent is required to pay child support unless they are disabled and unable to do so. In that case, I think SSI or some sort of government agency would take over. The “assetless” mother would be obligated to get a job and contribute unless the primary residential parent waives child support.

[Foxy40]

A little off topic but I don’t want all of you to think I am a hussy. In my current relationship, we were both separated when we met and didn’t break up each other’s marriages.

And yes, I do have two children but only one from my current husband. My other child is currently in college.