It’s odd that you used that “walking on eggshells” term, because that is exactly what I told my last girlfriend re her jealousy and how it affected our relationship and I simply got tired of the eggshell walking.
She was attractive, sexy, loving and very intelligent, but she was always seeing threats to her position as the main woman in my life and would get nasty or turn to ice at a moment’s notice if she perceived that I was paying attention (talking or interacting in pactically any way) with another adult female. It was actually somewhat flattering at first, but eventually became annoying then exhausting, then finally infuriating and her anger and mine would spill over until everything was immersed in it. I would have asked her to marry me if the jealousy thing had not kept popping it’s head up. You’re right to address it. It is a powerful relationship destroyer. Although that was two years ago I still miss her and I hope she has found true love, but without trust a healthy relationship cannot maintain itself.
Don’t try and do this too quickly, I know it’s tempting to think “I’ve made a decision to get better, I can control it” but truth is it takes a long time. Don’t bring up anything that you know you’re unhappy with, even as a joke. Mr Igloo could have been a bit more tactful and not told you, especially seeing as it was a while ago and you had discussed trust issues, but he probably thought since you had brought up the topic it was ok to talk about it. But the problem is, now that you know this, you’ll mentally torture yourself with it.
I don’t want to know who my blokey fancies, what strip clubs he’s been to, what porn he looks at, what his ex-girlfriends were like, because it doesn’t help me, try as hard as I might I can’t accept these things as harmless fun, so I don’t want to know. I simply twist the thoughts into horrible scenarios and upset myself with them.
Take it slow, one day at a time. You will have set backs, but don’t give up.
Qadgop, I tried that approach once, I pretended that the things upsetting me weren’t, it just meant that my partner didn’t realise I was upset and couldn’t reassure me and may have unknowingly made it worse. I can lie to other people, but I can’t lie to myself. I bottled up the hurt and it only made it worse for me. Personally I think pretending that any mental problem is not there is a bad idea, it festers. I know you’re a doctor, so you may well have alternative evidence, but for me “Faking It” damn near caused to me do drastic things.
Jealousy is evil and most of the time it’s something that you’ve created all by yourself, but it doesn’t mean you have to get over it all by yourself.
By your council, if I act like I enjoy the company of drunken, racist morons long enough, I’ll start to make myself believe that? I for one know my mind doesn’t work that way.
Tir, I don’t mean that one goes into denial over the problem, or ignores it. But if one decides “I don’t want to be jealous”, one tells their SO’s of this, discusses it with them, then does their best to not act like a jealous person. That doesn’t preclude saying things to their SO, or supportive friends, like “I’m struggling especially hard with the jealousy thing right now, but I’m gonna do my best to act like a non-jealous person would”.
You pick the behavior you want to have, then you do your utmost to model it. But don’t do it in secret, let those around you know. And you also let them know how it’s going for you.
And one does have to be careful what one pretends to be, as one risks becoming just that.
I mostly agree with MissBungle. I have long said that most of the negative feelings we have are just another name for fear, and Jealousy is one of them. Spend some time learning to like yourself, and have faith that others will as well.
The thing with me is that I don’t have any “behaviour” to change.
When I feel jealous I don’t do anything physical, I don’t argue, I don’t cry, they only thing I might do it get a bit quiet and withdrawn, but then I’m introverted anyway so it wouldn’t be a noticeable difference in my behaviour.
I already “act” like a non-jealous person. Mostly because I am so increadably ashamed at myself it would mortify me if other people found out, especially if it was through an action I made in public.
There is a huge stigma attached to jealousy. You’re jealous when you’re 14 and your emotions are in turmoil. No rational adult is jealous! Adults are capable of putting things in perspective and being able to correctly judge a threat.
It’s an emotional thing for me. The way my partner is affected by it is more emotional too. If I’m having a very hard time trying to clear my head of these feelings I can’t offer him love or support or even be capable of having a conversation, and as it is something that I do tend to keep to myself, he would have no idea why I am suddenly withdrawing from him and pushing him away.
Jealousy is more of a danger to my mental stability than it is to my partners ability to deal with it, me, or the relationship. (That doesn’t make sense, but I can’t phrase it better).
Well Tir, internalized issues are another, sometimes tougher nut to crack. And one of the most necessary ways of dealing with such a case as you describe is to have a place where one can externalize, or talk about the feelings.
Frankly, someone who describes their situation as you do would probably get two recommendations from me, if they were my patient: A psychiatric evaluation to see if neurotransmitter imbalance was thought to be part of the problem and medication part of the answer; and regular sessions with a counselor or other talk therapist to provide a channel to express that sort of thing, and work on change.
I’m just talking about general cases here, and that is not meant to be specific advice to you, as I’ve read that you’ve seen at least one counselor before, and have depression. But its a truism that “If nothing changes, nothing changes” so I tell many patients (or used to, back when I had non-incarcerated patients) to try other counselors if their first or second didn’t work out. Same for psychiatrists, frankly.
And I can’t emphasize enough how helpful medication can be for many people, in finally being able to change things in a meaningful way. I speak from personal as well as professional experience. If the brain synapses are not working properly, no amount of positive thinking or modeling will work for many sufferers.
I guess I’m externallising here, we’ll see what happens.
Yep, starting in my early teens, I’ve seen a host of variously named professionals, and I’ve been on several different types of medication. And came very close to being admitted for more “intense therapy”.
I’ve found I cope better on my own, (for reasons which probably require treatment themselves ;)), but I’d definately advise anyone else to give therapy/meds a try.
Tir and Igloo both have behavior to change. You have the behavior of being jealous – and according to one Igloo’s your recent posts, Igloo not only consistently lied about being jealous but told Mr. Igloo that his accusations were wrong because his actions were the cause of y’alls troubles.
Despite Tir Tinuviel response to his post (which she clearly misunderstood) Qadgop the Mercotan has the right answer - Short version: Fake it til ya make it.
What he meant was, you clearly know how you should behave, but you let your feelings drive you to do something else. One good way to find out how well your relationship with Mr. Igloo will improve when you stop being jealous is to stop being jealous.
And you can. As an example, often, in business meetings I want to throw the space-ship shaped speaking phone thingee at someone’s head. That is how I FEEL. That is not how I act because I know that people would be angry if I did that, and I, unlike a certain percentage of money-earning adults in this crazy world - lack that charm to convince people that I should be able to get away with childish crap like throwing things. Over time, I’ve learned to channel the urge to throw things into using low cunning to discredit blowhards…. But I digress.
The point is you clearly know that what you are doing is unhealthy for you and wrong. So stop. In the time you gain, time you would have spent consumed with jealously and anger and whatever else, you can work on figuring out the source of your attitude and how to get rid of it.
Hint: Jealousy is usually a control issue, not a symptom of insecurity. :dubious:
Presumably, it was upsetting to Mr. Igloo when you accused him of thing he hadn’t done, and made him to blame for your “acting like___.” And no doubt he was shocked to learn that you making up all those hurtful things. Especially since, if he’s really the Mister, you made a serious, formal commitment to trust him.
You should feel better for having brought this out in the open. You should consider the alternative: Mr. Igloo has no idea why you do the things you do, the things you do hurt him, one day he’s had enough and goes away, and your prophecy is fulfilled and you are once again in control of the universe. You find another Mr. Igloo, and play another round.
Here’s one exercise that might be fun. Write a journal, but as your partner/Mr. Igloo. Or write from the point of view of a family pet (you can make one up if you don’t have one.) This might give you a new perspective on your life with your partner/Mr. Igloo.
When I feel jealous I want to shout, scream, cry, leave, whatever. This is how I FEEL. Read my post. This is NOT how I ACT.
Maybe you should channel that urge into learning to read.
Hint? Hint! WTF! You sanctimonious little shit.
Thank you for your psychology 101, now piss off. YOU have “clearly misunderstood” what I have said. Your comments are partonising and unhelpful, and certainly in my case - if you had bothered to read what I had written - incorrect.
If you want to respond to me, I suggest do it wither via e-mail or you pit me.
Appologies if I’ve already broken the rules for swearing in this forum.
Reading Tir’s posts here, it’s quite clear to me that she’s already worked out a lot about the sources of her jealous feelings, and has already done a hell of a lot to combat them, and to replace them with positive feelings. Way to go, lass!*
Dealing with negative thoughts about oneself is hard. Everyone needs to find the best and most efficient way for them.
I typed “Way to og, lass” the first time. Maybe it is, in its own way, a powerful spiritual path to OG. And you are therefore a shaman of OG, a voyager on the sublime paths to OG.
Do you suffer from any kind of depression, obsessive disorders or have an inferiority complex? These tend to bring on jealous notions. Jealousy is much more deep rooted than it appears and someone telling you to “get over it” or “think positive” it very trite. Possibly speaking to a professional may help. Is your spouse very reassuring? I am jealous too and the only reason I am living a GONE-CRAZY free life is due to the nature of my SO. This doesn not mean to dump your husband by any means, but it’s a problem that needs to be addressed, or you could be quite miserable. Read some books on it, sometimes learning more about it brings out realizations about yourself you never knew.
