This year has been brutal for my family in a number of ways. My father wasn’t doing well, then a trip to a specialized cancer center had him doing much better. Then he was in ICU for several weeks for something that had seemed unrelated, but turns out may have been tied to what we now know is a recurrence of the cancer. So he’s at home under hospice care, and we don’t know how long it will be, not really.
Also my brother had a major heart attack and several stents put in as a result. He’s young enough that it means a HUGE change to my family history. He’s doing ok, but I’m wondering from some things my mother and my brother’s wife have said if there’s not some (mild?) neurological damage (of course, being a sibling I can get away with teasing my brother about how can they tell if there’s new brain damage). After years of me avoiding doctors, this has freaked my shit out enough that I now have a primary care physician and an upcoming new patient appointment.
I feel like I’m spending a lot of time waiting for the other shoe to drop. It really helps that I have good friends who I can talk to and who are also good at distracting me when that’s what I need. Work is also incredibly busy right now - which is also hugely helpful. But I hate the undercurrent of waiting. I’m tired of that moment of worry when the phone rings, especially at unusual times. And I’m tired of feeling like I’m focused so much on myself: I don’t like feeling bad for me - and so I tend to throw myself into detailed stuff at work. Which, by the way, really doesn’t work as well as I want it to. But I keep hoping it will.
TL : DR - bad things happen and I don’t like it.
Shit, that’s quite a heapful on your plate. I hope your new doctor has nothing but good news for you as far as your own health, and I’m glad you’re taking steps to safeguard your own health.
Thanks for asking. I’m doing ok - the amount of stuff going on at work (I work at a university and it’s the 3rd week of the semester) + all this just had me in a place yesterday where I wanted to put my head in the sand, like an ostrich, so I could ignore all that was going on around me. But I can’t, so I don’t.
Just today I was informed a former co-worker had suddenly sickened and died over the last month. He was in his mid 50s. In other words my age.
In the course of writing back to the person who notified me I said
Something to think about. You may have been enjoying one of the calm easy spells of your life for the last little while. Crises come. And then they go.
Life is not all strife and crisis. But it isn’t trouble-free either.
For me, getting past “But it’s *supposed *to be trouble-free and easy; I want my normalcy back. Waah!!!” was the hardest part of dealing with crisis. After a few turns in the barrel I’m better at it than I was. Still not great, but better.
It sounds like you’re new at this facet of life. There’s no dishonor in that. Nor in struggling with it. But understand that it’s bigger than you are, and you’ll need to learn to paddle with the current, not against it. Relatively easy to say; damn hard to do.
