We’ve just hired another physician to work in our prison system, and it was up to me to orient him to Corrections Medicine. He was already quite capable in the ways of Family Medicine, having practiced it for nearly 15 years in the private sector. But before throwing him in head-first to be the sole physician for a 1400 inmate medium-security institution, the Powers That Be decided that I’d get 3 days to acclimate him at my bigger, busier Maximum institution.
Dr. Sean O’Rourke (guess what his ancestry is!) certainly impressed me right off the bat with his medical abilities, for which I was quite happy. But I was laboring hard to convey certain of the je ne sais quoi aspects of working Corrections, which can be rather hard to teach. Like not putting the patient between you and a room’s only exit, and not issuing them scalpels when they ask for them, because that way they can trim their own corns and toenails in their cell.
So I was quite pleased when a practical example of medical complications of prison life came in yesterday afternoon. Inmate Jones, while carrying sacks of flour in the kitchen, had been attacked by Inmate Smith, over a matter of “Little Debbie”. (Now I am hopeful that said dispute involved the tasty snack cakes which are often used as currency in the institution, moreso now that tobacco is banned, and not a small-sized inmate whose nickname was “Debbie”. But that is for Security to ferret out).
Anyway, Inmate Jones was struck repeatedly about the body with a wire whisk, resulting in some dandy lacerations in need of repair. And as we got down to put the patient back together, Dr. O’Rourke expressed a small degree of surprise about the nature of the attack implement. That’s when I decided to lean into it.
QtM: “Oh heck yes, that’s a common sort of occurrence in prison. Happens a lot in any of the institution kitchens. I bet the whole attack was really a falling out over some clandestine cookery that the two guys were doing. If you work in prisons, you need to know about the some of the forbidden inmate arts like offensive baking.”
O’Rourke: “What??”
QtM: “Offensive baking. A lot of the inmates are into it. All you need is some water, flour, and a fistful or two of gravel, and you’re well on your way to making your own weapon. Easier than getting your hands on a shank, and if there’s ever a prolonged lockdown, or you’re in danger of being searched, you can always eat your weapon. Or decide you’re not that hungry yet. Or willing to go to the hole for a while.”
O’Rourke: “Offensive baking?”
QtM: “Yeah, you’ve got your basic clandestine recipes for battle bread always floating around thru the institutions. It’s generally shaped sort of like a cowpie, and smells a bit better. But not a lot better. Then you’ve got some guys that like their combat muffins, good for close quarters, and your deadly throwing toasts. We see those sorts of injuries all the time.”
O’Rourke: (Starts to laugh, even as he’s reattaching the guy’s ear. A good sign in a Corrections doc) “I can’t believe this. I’ve never heard of this stuff before!”
QtM: “Oh come on, Sean. I can’t believe you’ve never heard of the Scone of Stone before!”
