Moving is a lot of stress, but it sounds like the environment will be a big boost to both you and your son. Fingers crossed!
Thanks for setting up the Paypal, Tuba.
Glad to hear you’re having a good few days. I hope it’s the start of good things to come, Alice.
Sending good thoughts your way.
The generousity of the Dopers on this Board is impressive and affirms the faith we can have in people. 
I believe a little more help is needed, tho. If anyone can find it in their heart (and pocket) to help a deserving Doper just a little more, I feel it would be much appreciated. We can give Alice the Goon the peace of mind to better cope with today’s problem and make plans for a brighter future.
I’m humbled by the Dopers’ goodness and it makes me strive to be better, too.
Also, TubaDiva is a sweetheart.
Thanks, Tuba! I’m glad to hear that things are looking up for you and your son, Alice. It just broke my heart to read what you wrote about being scorned if you ask for help.
I apparently spoke too soon about him seeming to be better. Today I left him at home alone for the first time in a while, and I came home to a very bad scene. I don’t want to go into gory details, but he’s at the hospital right now, and oh yeah, they’ll be keeping him this time, for a while. 
WTF is going on, I don’t even… I can’t even stay with him this time- he is behind locked doors.
ETA: He is okay, physically.
Alice, I am very sorry to hear this… You guys have been in my prayers & will continue to be.
Christ, Alice, that’s awful. I’m so sorry.
I don’t think I’ll be sleeping tonight.
I had to go to DES to file for unemployment this afternoon. He has seemed so much better, that I left him alone, just like I always used to. While I was gone, he took at least 10 of his clonidine- a blood pressure medication that he takes at night because it makes him very sleepy. He also had taken a broken piece of mirror and made a very superficial cut on his throat that didn’t even really bleed. He was sleeping when I came in and it scared the shit out of me. I called 911 and went to the hospital with him in the ambulance, where he was somewhat awake and lucid. After an hour at the hospital, they transferred him to the county hospital’s pysch ward and sent me home.
So, he is okay, but clearly far from okay. It didn’t sound like they would keep him very long, but they couldn’t tell me. My family did come to the hospital, so I am fortunate to have their support right now. Grateful for that.
I keep thinking about how antidepressants are known to increase the risk of suicide in some adolescents. Is that what this is, or that the antidepressants haven’t started working well enough yet? They could not tell me that.
I feel like all in all it was a very mild attempt, perhaps more a cry out than a true wanting to die.
What a terrible experience to go through, for both of you. Even if he didn’t break the skin, his intentions were clear. I’m so, so sorry. I’m glad your family is supporting you, though. Hopefully they understand now how badly you two need it.
There are certain classes of antidepressants which have been linked to teen suicide, but I highly doubt your son’s doctor would have put him on one of those. More relevantly, there are suicide risks early on with a new anti-depressant for everybody, even adults. The way my mom has explained it to me (she’s a nurse), is this: you start a new antidepressant, and you get a burst of energy and motivation fairly early on. But the suicidal thoughts don’t go away at the same time. There are suicidal people who were only refraining from committing suicide because they were too scared and unmotivated to go through with it. Once the motivation returns, the thoughts are often still there, which can motivate someone to go through with it. It’s really tragic.
Even if this was a cry for help or mild attempt, that doesn’t make it any less serious than a “harder” suicide attempt. Hopefully the doctors take it as seriously as he needs them to.
I am very, very sorry to read this. I read it a few minutes after you posted last night but I didn’t feel like I could adequately respond at the time, so I waited until this morning. I personally don’t believe that there is a universal reason for things to happen in our lives, but I do believe we can make good choices even in the toughest of times.
If I may suggest this might be a good time to review what you might accomplish while your son is away. There may be some things you can get done preparing for your move or other chores you need to work on. And also place ‘taking a break’ in that list of chores.
For the moment you have a time where your son is not your direct responsibility. Perhaps a good 24 hrs (or whatever) of favorite books / Harry Potter movie marathon / a hike in the woods / etc. is well deserved.
Remember his well being starts with your well being - in the same way you put your own oxygen mask on in an aircraft before helping others, now is the time for you to help yourself while you have the chance.
Your overall plan to return to NC is a solid one. Depending on your timetable this might be time to advance it.
As I read in a Clancy book so long ago, the chinese symbol for Crisis are the symbols of Danger and Opportunity intertwined. The danger has been thrust upon you, try to look for the opportunity in whatever form you may find. You will help your son, yourself and your future.
Good luck.
This is awesome good advice and I couldn’t agree more, 2gigch1!
Q
I am so sorry! Maybe now, tho, he’ll get the care they wouldn’t provide before. I’m glad your family is at your side and hope they’ll be more willing to help. hugz
I’m so sorry to hear that, Alice. Don’t take this as a failure on your part at all - your son needs help that you (or any other parent) can’t give him. If he had a kidney disease, you’d take him to a kidney specialist without a hint of guilt; he has other problems, but he needs the kind of help that professionals are trained to give.
I agree with what Cat just posted. Thinking of you, Alice.
I’ve felt like that a few times in my life, when absolutely everything was wrong and it felt like there was no way out; I felt kinda ‘empty,’ if that makes sense. I didn’t care about anything. And I noticed this by the way that I would go through the motions, put my daughter to bed, etc, and not feel the usual little surge of love that I get whenever I, say, stroked her hair away from her forehead.
But the reason I noticed it was because it was like having someone take away the sky - it’s such a big and important thing that is always there. It doesn’t mean you don’t love him, it just means that you love him so bloody much that any dampening of your emotions really shows up when you think about him.
I really hope the move does help you. Moving does often help, IME. Fresh start and all that.
Thanks, everyone, for the kind words.
He’s still gone, at least until Monday. I’m so discouraged right now- I spent all day just in bed, crying. I can’t see him, but he can call me and he has. I feel so bad that I left him alone- what was I thinking?? But I thought he was getting better. Right now I’m just going to focus my energies on planning our move, which is still on, and packing up, although it’ll still be a few weeks yet, and I hope that keeps me distracted enough to keep on going.
I never know what to say in threads like these, except I’m sorry and I wish you all the best.
It’s okay to cry, don’t let that be something you beat yourself up about. Sometimes we have to cry.
I bet the move is going to be really good for you. I’m sending good thoughts your way, for both you and your son.
What help are you getting for you, Alice? This isn’t regular parenting stuff here - your son needs a lot of help, and so do you, to help him (and yourself).
Along with the food stamps came health insurance for myself (he already has it through his SSI), so now I* can* go to the doctor. And I’m going to schedule and appointment tomorrow. Sometimes I almost feel like I’m becoming agoraphobic- it’s getting hard to leave the house. Plus I know that I have depression now. So yeah, I will have to take care of myself, even though I don’t really care to- I know that he needs me to, so that’s my impetus.