With a dope slap. I lived in VA so I know NC knows about the concept, if not the actual method, of the dope slap. See, guys have a reset button on the back of our heads. We sometimes need it pushed. We don’t take it personally because we know we are idiots.
Male dogs have theirs halfway down their spines. I’m not sure female dogs have one or need one. I’m that well trained.
Ha- you have no idea how much my hand itches sometimes to dope slap him on the back of his head. But then I remember that he’s had two surgeries, one just recently, to the back of his head and I probably shouldn’t do that. I have this one friend who attempts to give me disciplinary advice. We have this recurring conversation:
Her: You should put soap in his food.
Me: No, I can’t do that. It can make him very sick, and then CPS will be all over me.
Her: You should smack up him upside the head.
Me: No, he’s had surgery back there and I’m scared I’ll mess it up and really hurt him.
Her: You should beat the shit out of him.
Me: No, you can’t do that to your kids anymore- they’ll get taken away. Especially right now, when he’s talking to all these therapists and shit. It’ll come out.
And so on and so forth.
Gone are the good old days when you could knock some sense into your kids. Oh, but wait- my dad tried that on me and it never did work. It just pissed me off.
I didn’t know that about dogs, though- that I* will* try.
Have you considered having a heart to heart with him, treating him like an adult, kind of throw him off his game? I know people who’ve had luck with this tactic.
“Look, can we just put aside our crap for a few days, and try and get along. Things are difficult for us both, times are very hard. Both our lives could improve substantially if we can find a way to work together. I realize I am unfairly asking you to be an adult before your time, it’s just that, well, I could really use your help.” Sort of along those lines.
It doesn’t last forever, he’s still a teenager with issues, but just shaking up the dynamic between you two, could lead you to a better place. And even if you only get a few days of calm waters, it sounds like you could really use it, just now. Think about it, just a suggestion.
My kid wasn’t listening the other day - nothing major, really - and I was in a sour mood and I snapped, ‘I wish I had a dog.’ Pretty much THE meanest thing I could’ve said to a 7 year old. I apologized and all, but damn.
I promise, Alice, you are doing MUCH better than most parents would be!
Dogs actually expect it. It’s the whole dominance thing and it makes them feel GOOD when we do it.
But kids are completely useless. You can’t argue with them and you can’t kill them. Unlike dogs.
Well, as has been said by other posters in my various threads about him, it’s not so much that we have interpersonal problems- it’s more that he’s very angry and depressed and anxious, and he knows that I won’t beat him and that I’m relatively safe, and he unloads on me because he has to do it to someone. I really believe this. I try and try to show him that his life really isn’t as bad as he thinks, that it could be much worse, and I’ve probably said everything that could be said, but it’s inside of him, and nothing that is said seems to help him. So, while I still console and talk and talk and talk, I’m also trying to stop solving and start letting his medications and therapies help him. He’ll get there, it’s just taking a while.
You know, you really are amazing?
If I were in your situation, I’d probably have to run away to keep from murdering my kid.
Seriously.
I do NOT have the patience or self-control or wisdom or whatever to be a mother. Luckily I realized this in time to never get pregnant.
yeah. Alice, you’re not SUPPOSED to do it alone. You’re SUPPOSED to have help. 
Not in my family. Praise is given if you do it alone, scorn is heaped if you ask for help. And that’s the way it is. Of course, these are family members that got tons of help from their family when they were young, and inheritances, and married rich, and all kinds of things that I never got and never will. :rolleyes:
I’ve been there and I’m really sorry for what you’re going through. I wish I had more than words.
We have been asked if something couldn’t be done to help Alice.
In the past Dopers have been very generous to other Dopers in times of great need. It’s one of the more beautiful things about this site; Dopers take care of their own.
If you would like to donate to the cause, a PayPal link has been set up.
Screw their scorn; you and your son need help.
I’ve been thinking about it since last night, and it’s really amazing how deeply entrenched it really is in me that you should not only not really talk about your problems (smile, smile, no there’s nothing wrong here!) but you definitely don’t ask people to help you. Agencies, maybe, if you must, but you don’t bother people that you know. That’s why I struggled trying to take care of my son’s major problems which became my life’s major problems by myself. I thought that was normal.
:smack:
As for the donation thing- wow. I’ve come to think of the Dope as a sort of surrogate family- even with all the bickering and dysfunction and craziness of a normal family, and now it’s even more so. You guys are really stepping up and helping me. That’s wonderful! Thanks to TubabDiva, to whoever suggested it to her (I know who but I don’t want to invade their privacy), and to all of those that are participating in it. It’s so appreciated.
For you, anything !
Fuck that noise. I’m sorry you’ve internalized their message so deeply. It’s very, very wrong.
I love that you didn’t say dysfunctionality.
Hope things are still getting better.
Alice,
I don’t see your OP as being whiny in the least. We’re your friends and this definitely qualifies as a time for us to help get you through this rough patch.
I’m with my friend Mood and offer you a hug as well as someone to “talk” with anytime.
We never (well hardly ever) close. A little help is on the way!!!
{{{{{{Alice}}}}}}}}
Bill
Thanks everyone.
I’ve now spoken to all the key members of my family back east and they are ready and willing to accept us and support us emotionally and all that good stuff. Scary to make a big move, but when I said I can’t do it alone anymore, I really meant it. I know I can’t and I’m giving in and I could not be happier. They can’t help me financially, but the kind of family support I am looking for doesn’t involve money so much as just being there. I’ve told my son and he’s scared, too, but we’re both ready and looking forward to a change of life. Woot! and eek! at the same time.
That’s good news! And I am glad to hear he’s on board with it.
The thing that strikes me is that times really are hard right now. It doesn’t seem like it in some ways: we think of the depression as being the benchmark of hard living but for a lot of people right now is as bad if not worse.
I say that because it is important for you not to ever believe that you are somehow singled out by life. Many of us bear our own crosses in one form or another. Please do not let the feeling of loneliness take root.
Though I’m just another anonymous internet poster, feel free to pm me if you want another friendly voice. I am told I am good at listening, and I would be happy to lend an ear.
Today, for the first time in a long time, we had a great morning getting ready for school, and no fights or threats of suicide in the evening. Wow. And, he is doing much, much better in school. I think the new meds have started working. A couple of more days of this and I might be able to actually relax! (Although I’m aware that it’s more likely we’ll have good and bad days then just all good days. I can dream, though.)