I can't seem to get over this woman

I’ve known this woman for nearly 10 years now, I met her online, and had an affair with her back when I was 19, on and off we’ve always kept in touch. So, back in July, I had the chance of her to come round to my place, bearing in mind I’d just gotten out of a relationship and was upset over that, I had a last minute change of heart and decided to cancel it.


In my defense, numerous promises like this had been made over and over during the years to no avail, so I got some satisfaction of turning the tables on her.
A few months pass, and in an about face, I try starting to talk to her again, and she’s very closed, and doesn’t bother whatsoever( Understandable obviously) but over a few months, things seem to be going back to normal again, she’s talkative, interested.
This has happened before, and we’ve always remained friendly towards each other, but this time is different, I know she’s got a job now, but she says things like ‘we’re friends, I don’t think that’s going to change’ and I always have to make the effort to talk to her, I’ve had arguments with her about it, and she uses the excuse of having to study all the time.

It used to be the case where I didn’t feel like I was panicking, now every time I try to talk to her it’s all one worded replies and dismissive. I even called her up on it, and she said ‘maybe I’m just cold’

So there’s some of the situation I’m in, I can’t seem to get over her and I’m obsessed with her, but the irony is, is that I never used to be, it’s just that I’ve seemingly become more desperate for her attention over the last couple of months and I don’t know why. Before, I’d not speak to her for months on end and it wouldn’t bother me, this time, it does. I’ve tried ignoring her but it’s hard, I wanna be rid of her, but how?

I’ve posted this because I’m at my wits end with this situation and I know I’m acting like an idiot, but any advice would be greatly appreciated.

If you weren’t obsessed with her all along it’s probably not really about her specifically, you’re probably just feeling bored or lonely or needy. Try to find something else to occupy your mind and time, even if you don’t feel like it. Once you meet someone new you’ll be thinking about them instead.

Kids always want the toy they can’t have.

Snap out of it!

If you’re going to carry on seeing her, stop trying to be anything more than her platonic friend (and accept the possibility it may never be more than that).

If there’s a bumpy history between you, trying to leap straight back in to a couple-style relationship is almost certainly doomed to fail - even if it’s what you both want. Relax, take a step back and just enjoy being friends - it’s possible that this way, enough water will eventually pass under the bridge that eventually, you can both try a fresh start at being closer than friends, if you both want that.

Right now, you’re desperate, and it’s probably obvious and awkward - and that’s a problem for both of you - because it overshadows everything.

Don’t say “but it’s too hard!” - yes, it’s very hard, but you have to *decide *to do it, then stick at it.

Since you’re looking for advice, moved to our advice forum, IMHO.

Take a deeeeep breath … *inhale *… exhale … now ask yourself, “what’s the best thing I can focus upon to help Ryan Liam?” Repeat as necessary.

You called her over for to be your transition booty call and then you blew her off? I can’t imagine why she’s gone cold on you.

Move on. Stop talking to her. If she tries to start up again, ignore, unfriend, block. Get out there and meet an available girl.

I appreciate what you’re saying, however there is no mutual want, the problem is me and my wanting her too much.

Move on, dude. Move on.

You should put this on your Facebook so other women also know to avoid you.

I did it because she’d been doing the same to me* for years.*

I thought you did it because you had just gotten out of a relationship and were “upset over that”.

Tell her you don’t think the friendship is good for your psyche, so you’re ending it, and you wish her the best. Then delete all her contact information, and every time your mind wanders back to her, re-direct your focus to something else.

It’s simple. It might be hard, but it’s not complicated.

You might also consider being more forthright in the future. Nothing is more pathetic and off-putting than the Nice Guy who uses friendship as a stealth campaign for a romantic relationship.

I’ll admit that both of those reasons overlapped.

This is excellent advice.

I have had that happen a few times over the years with girls I considered fuck buddies. They would get into a relationship and all of a sudden I started feeling like I loved them. It goes away pretty quick if you don’t keep feeding it. I always recognised it for what it was but the hole in the stomach feeling would still get me now and then.

So your obsession isn’t new. Move on. Of course it will be hard. Do it anyway.

I know, I guess the problem is that I know she’s moved on, but wasn’t being straightforward, so I got mad because I was thinking she was stringing me along.

Agree. You just need to decide to do it, then do what you decided to do.