I can't very well send this email, can I?

In My Humble Opinion
1

It may be too late at this point, but would it be horribly gauche and off-putting to send this email? A while back, there was an exchange on the SDMB about getting “the fade” from someone, in which they act evasive or non-responsive in the hopes that one will go away. That might be happening here, and it particularly irks me, inasmuch as the diametric opposite occurred when we were grad school classmates, as you can see…

Hey there B.,… I’ve been known to talk around things, and maybe I’ve been doing that lately. Best to be direct, no? I’ll rein this in:

When you asked me out at the end of the semester a couple of years ago, I was very happy, but I was in a bad place, and I think it showed. I was stressed out and fearing bankruptcy, and I just was not firing on all cylinders. Things were a little awkward, and I felt foolish for not showing you a good time, and for squandering the opportunity to have a good time myself. I’m better than that- not only did I know that at the time, but I’ve had dates before and since then that prove it. I was relieved that I didn’t really put you off, since we subsequently got along well otherwise.

I was always happy when I ran into you a few times during the spring and summer, and then when I coincidentally saw you on OKCupid and found out that you were single, I wondered if we could have another go. I know you told me that your job is putting you through the ringer, and I frankly have no appetite for torrid drama. I would love to get together with you after work, and we can talk about whatever strikes our fancy. I haven’t gotten a response from you in a while, and on top of all this, I am wondering if you’re doing OK, how you’re feeling, and what your thoughts are.

-OurLordPeace

2

OK, if I have one piece of advice in general, it’s Don’t Send the Letter. Write it out, work through it in your head, but Don’t Send the Letter.

I would find it off-putting as an opening communication after a while apart. OK, you’ve seen this person is back on the market. How about a short, upbeat note saying you’d enjoy getting together again and would they?

I’m not saying never talk through what happened in the past, but wait until they are hanging out with you again, and see if it’s approrpriate then. Otherwise, look to the present and future and see how things go with who you both are now.

3

Am I misreading this line? It sounds like you’re saying that you know she’s got drama in her life, but you have no desire to discuss drama.

4

But torrid drama is the best kind!

5

The email’s not worded right, but there’s no problem with trying to spark it back up with this person. Just no need for this quasi-confessional tone. Gigi has the right of it - bright and breezy contact to see what’s up - you can then open up later if it’s merited.

Do Americans drop the w from wringer? Seen that a couple of times on the boards recently.

6

No, “wringer” is correct in American English.

For the love of all that’s good, drop the “drama” line - and take the advice of others and just be friendly and warm.

7

This is the time to forget email and pick up the telephone and call. You’ll know right away if she’s receptive to you when you call just to say “hi”.

8

You mention in the note you don’t like drama, but this is a dramatic letter if I’ve ever read one.

Don’t send the note. If you want to try and start the relationship again, light and breezy is the way to go.

9

When did she tell you her job was putting her through the wringer? When did she start to become non-responsive? Did this occur recently (within the past eighteen months–since June 2011)? Or were these things that happened years ago when you two last gave it a go?

10

Blast! Wringer! My mistake!

The non-responses began at the end of the summer. Prior to that, I ran into her in the spring, and then in the summer she pulled her car over specifically to talk to me. Shortly after that, we corresponded about a relevant film screening, and I emailed her about my new job, and she said she looked at the place’s website and thought she might come in. She never did, and then, at the end of the summer, I saw her OKC profile. I asked if she wanted to go to a rugby game, since she played while in undergrad, and I find that awesome.

I got no response, but managed to run into her again a week or so later, when she told me that she was so slammed by her job that her mother asked if she was still alive. She told me to get some details on what games were happening around town, and I did, and since then have heard nothing. I don’t think I put out any more feelers until December, when I added her to my birthday Evite. The event is on the 26th of January, and she hasn’t looked at the Evite, even with a follow-up I sent on the 16th. I called her yesterday and left a voicemail, asking how she was doing.

In other words, I’ve wanted to keep it as light and breezy as you all suggest. I’m way ahead of you there. That wasn’t getting me anywhere, and indeed, since she was very direct when she asked me out, I wondered if I should do the same thing now.

11

And about the drama, I intend to show that I want to be an affable, relaxing presence, who relieves stress rather than creating it. I thought that would strike a chord.

12

Isn’t that the only kind of drama? (well, aside from “Waiting for Godot”)

13

With the recent attempts at contact that you’ve made, I’d say the ball is clearly in her court and it’s time to wait for a response. I fear that further attempts from you right now might get into badgering/stalking territory.

And don’t send the email. Asking someone to get together with you is fine. Asking why they haven’t gotten together with you (which is essentially what that email is) usually has the effect of assuring they will never want to get together with you.

14

Good impulse not to send the letter. The letter takes a big old emotional dump and puts it right in the hands of the recipient, and nobody wants that. It’s over-disclosure for what is, in reality, a casual friendship.

While you mean well trying to tell your story, what I see when I read this letter is “bankruptcy” and “depression.” You don’t want to plant these words in her head, even if you are talking about something long in the past. In any case, anyone can write anything, and this particular letter doesn’t really leave me convinced you’re in a better place. What you need to do is demonstrate what you are saying.

And the best way to do that is to send a short, cheerful, casual, friendly letter. You need nothing more than “Yo, B! Whats up? It’s been a while- want to grab some coffee and catch up after work one day? Next Wednesday is looking good for me. Peace, OP.”

That said, I would keep my options open, because this one isn’t looking too good. I honestly don’t think it’s anything you did or that you screwed up last time. Sometimes, the spark just isn’t there and there is nothing anyone can do about it. And sometimes it feels like the spark is there, but it actually isn’t. She had a chance to date you. She’s had plenty of contact with you, and she hasn’t taken you up on it.

“Sorry I didn’t call back- my job is nuts right now” is the oldest blow off in the book. If you were a rockstar super model billionaire, do you think she wouldn’t be able to find a little time? I would bet that she could. But she didn’t find that for you. She’s just not that in to you. She’s single and looking, and I assume she knows that you haven’t disappeared into the ether. But she’s not looking you up, is she? She’s just not that in to you.

Which is fine. Not everyone has the potential to be in to everyone else. It’s not a reflection on you or your value as a mate. She just doesn’t happen to be the one for you. So keep improving yourself, keep your options open, and you’ll eventually find someone who does follow up, who does make time for you, and who is as in to you as you are to her.

15

If that was your intent, I clearly misread it. To me, "frankly have no appetite for torrid drama"sounds like you don’t want to hear about the how her job is putting her through the wringer or anything else that’s stressing her out in her life.

Yeah, don’t send it. If she wants to reconnect with you, she will. But having seen her profile on an internet dating site suggests to me that she doesn’t want to revisit the relationship you had, but is looking for something else.

16

I agree, saying you “have no apetite for torrid drama” sounds like you want to be a fair weather friend. It doesn’t come across well at all.

Go for a light and breezy note, as suggested by even sven, then take it from there. No dramatic notes, it’s off-putting!

17

Until I started getting responses from her, I had assumed that, indeed, there was no spark, whether or not I did anything wrong. I had moved on, but once she began communicating with me again, I became interested… again. And then she stopped.

If it seems like I’m confused by mixed signals, or just grasping at straws, it’s because the bit about having dates before and after is technically true but a bit of an exaggeration. I’ve been dateless for years at a time, once spending about five years (ages 20-25) without even holding a woman’s hand, and it’s not for lack of trying. I wanted to maximize one hell of a rare opportunity.

I spent about 12 months during 2011-2012 in the ultimately successful pursuit of a woman I knew. I never gave up, because I kept getting glimmers of hope, as we got closer and closer, and we finally enjoyed about six months essentially as a couple. We already knew we differed when it came to procreation, and that’s why it ended, after I introduced her to her now-boyfriend.

The point is, I won, and I wanted to do the same thing here. It’s the closest experience I’ve had to having a Significant Other, and I want to replicate it ASAP.

This is in bad taste, but I call it the “Guerilla/Insurgent Dating Strategy.” Ignore casualties and keep showing up, because you want it more than anything. This led to a very funny phone conversation with a dear friend of mine, who formed my previous near-girlfriend-experience, over a decade ago. Pronounce her lines with a husky alto originally from northern Mississippi, now in Austin:

Her: “It never seems natural with you… OurLordPeace, just once I want to hear that you’re involved with a woman, and you don’t have to compare yourself to the Viet Cong!”

18

It always looks to me like it’s OKC upid, some odd dating site for people from Oklahoma City …
carry on

19

Yeah, well sometimes what works with one person gets you a restraining order with another person. Take the hint and lay off.

20

You say she pulled her car over to talk to you - did she park and get out, or talk to you from her car? If she stayed in her car, combined w/ her ignoring all your efforts for 5 months, is it? Stick a fork in you, you’re done. She doesn’t want you and winning her isn’t a loving goal, it’s a selfish one. You want to have the thing you want, you think you deserve it b/c you want it. I realize movies and tv may have told you otherwise, but deserving something due to wanting it is unrealistic nonsense.