I didn't even know I was pregnant (kind of sad)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

Oh sweetie, that line made tears fall. I know the feeling. Not quite sure you’re ready.

It does give you a lot to think about doesn’t it? I was scared silly with my second pregnancy and fell into a deep depression because he was an “oops” at 38 for me. But even “oops” babies turn into “surprises” once they’re here.

Best wishes for a speedy recovery and yes, allow yourself to feel the grief. It may even incite you to “try”. Babies are such wonderful beings, innocent and un-sullied until all those “others” come into their lives. They want to believe everything as gospel, since they don’t know of lies or deceit yet.

Though, if you wait till you’re truly ready, you may never be ready. I started my marriage not wanting kids, I figured that I’d end up in jail with my temper. I have never lifted a hand toward my children and now know they are the most wonderful gift I’ve ever received.

22

I’m sorry Anastasaeon.

I’m afraid I have no wise words. Just sorry.

23

I’m so sorry, Anastasaeon. My thoughts go out to you and your husband.

24

My thoughts and several big hugs are with you and your husband.

When I was twenty, I also lost a baby before I even knew I was pregnant, and it took me years to come to grips with the fact that I had always been more relieved than sad. But I did grieve, and you should too. Feel whatever you need to, and lean on each other. You’ll come through all right.

25

If it helps, I will tell you what I told my son years ago when my SIL miscarried twins (very early in her pregnancy, but still.) I told him the babies decided it wasn’t the right time, so they went away and will try again later.

Funny enough, she has two girls now. Born about 18 months apart, they’re almost the same exact height. I mentioned to her that she got her twins back, and she smiled and said yes, she did.

26

My thoughts are with you and your husband. Take whatever time you need to grieve, it is a loss. Your post was beautiful and thoughtful and don’t ever be afraid to talk to all of us. There are a few jerks around here, but for the most part there is a great support system for you when you need it. Don’t feel guilty for feeling sad right now.

I know there isn’t much to be found in ways of happiness in this, but at least you know how happy you would be if you were to get pregnant. Have kids when you want to (and of course your husband!). Even if you think you’re not ready, you could surprise yourself.

From your posts I’ve read, and I know I don’t talk to you much - if ever, I know you are a treasure to your husband and you will be that and more to your future children. You will be a great mom one day!

If you ever need to talk, email is in my profile.

:slight_smile:

27

{{{{{Anastaseon}}}}}

I’m so sorry to hear about your loss.

28

Thanks, everyone. Every day is a little bit better. I’m physically stronger today, and my husband went to work (with much fussing and fretting and telling me to take it easy please). I’ve been lurking here in the background a bit, taking part in some threads - I can usually count on the Dope for a smile if I stick around the right places.

It’s not as bad today; I’m not tearing up every time a diaper ad comes on.

Ellen, you are correct, many blighted ova are not fertilised, though your body responds as if it were pregnant. Mine was fertilised, but was not developing. The body gets rid of it because it knows to “dispose” of it - there is no embryo.

The facts, do, actually, make me feel a little better. Emotionally, it was hard to take, of course. But I know, in my heart, it’s okay. It’s a little confusing and stings at first, but knowing we did nothing wrong, that I couldn’t have saved it… it takes away some of the guilt you can’t help but feel. Even though it wasn’t ever going to be a tiny person, there is some kind of… spiritual loss, I guess. I don’t know how else to explain it. It’s a little hard to get my head around the idea that I was pregnant, but nothing was there. Why was nothing there? What did I do? It was fertilised, ready to go… but stopped… to carry it any longer could only mean disaster… but there was nothing anyone could do. As I said, I know the answers, but sometimes…

But we’re okay. My husband is strong, my hero, my rock. I hope I am the same for him. We’ve just been holding each other a lot lately, smiling at each other, keeping each others chins up. And sometimes, just crying a little together.

And we will keep trying someday - I’m not afraid. We’re not holding out for the “perfect time”, either. I’m not getting any younger. Barring any accidents, we’ve already decided that we’re going to take that leap in a year, no matter what. At first, my husband was insistent that we get into our house first, but we can’t wait on that forever, and there are no guarantees we’ll get our house soon (we’re being handed a home in a very nice neighbourhood; we still have to pay for it, but we need to wait for it - it could be one year, it could be five). We’ve decided that even if we’re just in a two bedroom apartment or condo (which we plan on getting ASAP), we’re going to start trying. The only thing we’re really waiting for is my gallbladder surgery.

I think we’re going to be all right.

29

We went through this too, between our two children’s births. The hardest part to accept is that it just happened, a senseless random event. I can tell you from personal experience (unrelated to our miscarriage) that if you can accept it as “it just is,” you can work through it faster. Playing “what if…” prolongs the grief if you do it for more than a day.

The sun will rise in the east tomorrow morning, and with it will come another day in which you can live your life in hope for the future.

Vlad/Igor

30

My wife miscarried twice last year. 2005 was a shitty year. I hope 2006 is better for all of us.

31

I’m so sorry to hear that! I hope you have good news for us this year.

Hugs to all of you!

32

Anastasaeon, hugs to you. My blight ovum miscarriage was my first pregnancy, 15 years ago. I’m the proud mom of these three today.

33

Aw, Ellen, you just made my day. This has to be the first time since this all happened that I cried tears of happiness. You have such beautiful children (the smile on the little one! Gorgeous!) and it just… I felt hopeful. Thank you so much.

It’s so funny… only a few years ago, I never thought I’d have children. Now the pain of losing that which I didn’t even know I had… and I know, now. I know I can, I will, and I will love my children fiercely. I love the one that never was. My husband said it’s because I’m a Momma at heart, I just didn’t know it.

I didn’t know that before now.

34

I want to apologise to everyone for rambling so much. I’m just working it all out. I know I’m all over the place. A lot of this is just stream of conscious babbling. Thanks for your kind words, and just for listening.

35

No need for apologies. One of the reasons a lot of us are here is that we know we can work through difficult times here and also take our turn at being the shoulder/support/audience/friend that others need.

GT

36

I am sorry to hear your knews Anastaseon. Sending supporting thoughts your way.

37

{{{Anastaseon}}}
Fingers crossed for when you want it to happen.

38

Sorry to hear this x x x

39

i’m so sorry.

it is very difficult, you don’t have something to hold, you don’t have any funeral, and yet it is a death that must be honoured and mourned.

some will understand, some will not. i’m glad you and your husband are working through this together. perhaps y’all could have a ceremony or remembrance for the little one. perhaps a special plant or tree.

40

Just wanted to thank everyone again and again and again. Your kindness, your stories of your own experiences, your emails of support, the poems, lyrics - they all mean a lot to me, and I saved them all. It’s very strange how something so sad can make one see that the world still has a lot of kindness in it. :slight_smile: