I’m the last person to post on this, considering 80% of my threads on here have been about dating advice . . . but . . .
I have come to the conclusion, in general, the concept of asking for “advice” on dating can be counterproductive. So often advice takes the form of, “here’s what you should do,” or, “here’s what you did wrong.” I think this leads to people looking at dating as games of conquest, with rules that have to be played out a certain way.
The fact of the matter is, whether or not a relationship works out depends on both people, and their attitudes and willingness to compromise. No one is going to find the absolute perfect person, and their desire to be in a relationship and willingness to compromise will largely determine whether or not they end up with someone. I feel like so often I find myself in a place that I don’t desire in a relationship, and immediately go seeking advice on why, either from friends, or more often, self-help books and the internet. And so often I internalize what I hear as, “this is where you skipped over Step 5 part A of the rules and that’s why it went wrong.”
Furthermore, I think that asking for advice is often unhelpful because everyone is different! It’s impossible to say, “she is acting like this so she is thinking this.” Ultimately the only way to really know is to ask someone, and sometimes you can’t even know from that. So, basically, you have to deal with the fact that often you can’t know what someone’s thinking or how they will react and be comfortable with that ambiguity.
The point is, you just have to be confident (actually be, not fake), be fun, be yourself and be honest. If it doesn’t work out, then meh. It’s not a statement of your dateabililty or worth as a person. Sometimes it just doesn’t work out. There are no rankings and no objective “better” or “worse,” just more suited in a certain context. But I feel like there is this culture of of trying to “package” oneself as the best dating product and so much judgment placed on how eligible someone is . . .
The way many letters to advice columnists are phrased, it’s obvious the writer has made up his or her mind on an issue and wants support (probably to go ‘See?’ to their SO with the clipping). It’s up to the columnist to point this out to the person or tell them they’re an idiot. It’s advice, not the rule of law. Being in an intimate relationship can put people in a bubble, and asking advice can simply be a way to gain perspective. Asking trustworthy friends who won’t just tell you what you want to hear is highly recommended. What you actually do with the advice is purely up to you.
But ultimately isn’t the best advice, “use your own best judgment”? I mean, the advice columnist doesn’t know either party in the situation. And even good friends don’t know the situation as well as the parties involved. Certainly, their ignorance of the situation can be part of the appeal, because they are more objective. But how could they know any better than a person who is involved in the relationship, who is just as rational but has more evidence to back their conclusions?
And if the person isn’t very rational, and is the writer of letters like, “Dear ____, my boyfriend just got out of jail for the fourth time and informed me that he has herpes and I probably do too now. How do I turn him around into a sensible, strong man to help take care of the baby we have due in three months?”, then will advice from anyone turn around someone this deluded? Doesn’t that have to come from within?
I agree with this (ironically perhaps, given that it is dating advice…). I’m slightly too bitterly single to ‘date’ for the time being, but when I have shed my irritation with the whole of womankind, I will have no time for people who hide behind a constructed persona to appear more perfect and attractive than they naturally are. I find it too calculated, cynical and creepy.
There was a comment by the therapist character in the TV series Eureka.
She said that when most people seek therapy, they’re not looking for help, they’re seeking permission. (paraphrase - my google-fu is weak in finding the actual quote)