Or, Eve’s Misadventures in three delis at lunchtime:
Do you like green peas in rice?
I do not like them, they’re not nice.
I do not like peas in my rice.
I do not like them with Chinese
I’d rather eat rice flecked with fleas.
Please, no peas in pork-fried rice
I’d rather eat out Heidi Fleiss.
Give peas a chance in Spanish rice?
I say no once, I say no twice!
Peas do not belong in rice;
I cannot be much more precise.
I would not let them in my house.
I’d rather give them to the mouse.
I do not like them here or there,
So, deli owners, best beware!
Next time I detect peas in rice,
Out of your throat I’ll take a slice.
I’ll pick those peas out one by one
And load them in a tommygun.
I’ll shoot those peas right down your gob—
And then I’ll form a Rice Lynch Mob.
That’s how much I hate peas in rice—
Won’t change my tune for any price.
Well look at that, our Eve can rhyme
It seems like she could anytime
But what is it about the peas,
Well peas in rice, that gives unease?
I must admit I like the peas,
The green, green peas are quite a tease
With rice it only adds to please,
so please, oh please tell me. Why peas?
Would sweetcorn just go down a treat,
or would it end up on my feet?
Perhaps the smallest hint of ham,
Do not get mad, I’m scared, I am
I must admit I am impressed,
To rhyme like this is quite a stress
So now I’ll leave it to the rest
To laugh at me and make of jest
One hopes you just won’t let it rest,
And portray Pwecious Pwincess!
You do not like them, so you say.
But try them! Try them! And you may!
You may like peas served in your rice.
No need to give them to the mice.
You may like them in Chinese
And would never have to gobble fleas.
You may like them in Spanish rice,
And would never have to gobble Fleiss.
Try them, Eve! Try eating peas in rice.
And let me try eating, well, maybe not Heidi Fleiss cause she’s a bit skanky in my humble opinioni, but some other nice, attractive woman with a killer body and a sparkking personality (ok, oh, I don’t even care much about the personality, as long as she’s got a hot bod - you know the kind - round, high breasts without any hint of sag, a long, slim torso with good muscle tone, a deep tan, legs that go for miles, and an ass … Oh! Man, we can’t forget the ass. An ass like Jennifer Lopez. And hair, mmmm…beautiful, dark hair that smells sweet and exotic, something that I can nuzzle into and think of Italy, or Greece. And lips…I am all about kissing. And of course, since I’m going to be, well, you know, down there , she needs to take care of some grooming. I’m not asking for a completely bare area or anything, but neatly trimmed and short hair is much preferable to 70s porn star bush. Let’s see…have I left anything out? Oh, yeah…one more thing…
Peas under her mattress might get her upset,
But peas in her rice, shouldn’t her get,
Pun ahead, so heed my warning,
Eve, who peaed in your cornflakes this morning?
At lunchtime there was cause to grieve
Imposed upon intrepid Eve
She ventured forth from deli to deli
In search of rice to fill her belly
But in her quest she was frustrated
Increasingly more aggravated
When deli owners stiffed her pleas
To fry her rice without the peas
It wasn’t really much to ask
Pealess rice, a simple task
But still the cooks would not relent
And Eve grew much more violent
Eve cried, “I swear, by Pwincess Pwecious
I will locate me some delicious
Fried rice made without the peas
Before I’d eat them, Hell will freeze!”
And so, dear friends, take heed this lesson
With Eve’s fried rice don’t you be messin’
Just fry it up and don’t presume
To foul it with some damned legume