This happened on Saturday, when the Wife and I were in Cleveland with another couple. The Kid attended a college near there for a couple years, we got to like the city and this other couple wanted to see it, so we took in two Halls of Fame (Football/Rock & Roll), and an Indians game over a long weekend. Good times were had by all.
We quickly re-discovered that little half block of E. 4th St., between Euclid and Prospect, and made that our sit and “have a drink between other things" spot. We spent time there both Friday night, and two different times on Saturday.
So….one of the trendy places with the big front windows that open to the outdoor dining area is this little Messican place. Good margaritas, TV’s everywhere – Cleveland Dopers, I forgot the name but you might know the place.
Saturday, around 3 pm, the four of us plop into a nice table in the outside area, where we simultaneously ordered water, iced tea, margaritas and beer. Hey, we were thirsty, ok? I am sitting facing more or less into the restaurant – still able to keep an eye on the Parade of Skirts, but also watching ESPN on the TV just inside. In other words, the perfect seat.
Now, I am a people watcher. I can sit in one place and just watch folks go streaming past for hours at a time. At restaurants I am almost compulsive about sitting with my back to a wall, or at least the shortest end of the place, so I can watch people come and go. I noticed a youngish couple get seated at one of the tables just inside the window about 20 minutes after we arrived. I’d guess mid 20’s. He’s got sort of messy beach boy hair, she’s got shoulder length curls. He’s in the official trendy Shirt of the Year, which is the plaid button down short sleeved cotton, cargo khakis and his very cleanest Starbury’s. She is in a very flattering baby blue skirt, flip flops and your basic v-neck top. (She is also, as I discovered later, jaw droppingly beautiful, but I don’t want to spoil part of what come next, so forget I said that part)
Right after they got seated, I watch and it looks like it’s the basic looking around the place and lying to each other about that they’d never been there before. I’m chatting with the Wife, the friends, trying to keep my drinks organized and watching a few different people so these two, interesting as they were, didn’t have my full attention.
Until I got up to use the restroom. The restroom by the way, that is downstairs, down a slick wooden spiral staircase roughly the length of the Grand Canyon, and did I mention that this was after a few drinks?
Sorry, so anyway, I got up to use the restroom. But I have to wait right next to their table because the table next to them is getting served and the waiter’s tray was in my way. As I’m standing there, he’s saying something like “…so, yeah that’s where I went, I was a TKE there, you had them at your school too right?” She ever so quickly looks right at me and gave me that cute smile that astonishingly gorgeous young things give older balding men which means “aw, you’re cute, like some of my dad’s friends are cute, so I’ll smile at you and let you fantasize that I desire you, ok?”
I have never seen prettier blue eyes. Or at least that day I didn’t.
Then, he keeps on, more about him and he captained the frat softball team, blah blah blah.
Total Elapsed Time: maybe 15 seconds.
I’m off to the Spiral Steps from Hell, do my thing, trudge back up (I felt like I should have been leading a mule) and go back past them again. This time, I use the excuse that I’m watching a highlight on the TV near them, Probably something Favre-related, I forget. In reality, I’m blatantly eavesdropping. She’s explaining that wherever it is she went to school is what made her appreciate the outdoors, and change her major so that she could do what she loves (teach) and work outdoors. He asks her where she comes from initially, and I decide if I hang around much longer I’m going to be mistaken for a Packers fan, or a snoop.
Back to my seat, where I find my friend has ordered another pitcher of that yummy margarita.
Now, at this point I’ve deduced to my satisfaction that this is a first date. From the complete lack of contact, from what I hear of their conversations and sadly – the way they both spent some time kind of looking around the place awkwardly.
So I position my self where I can see the whole show better, not just his back. It was easy, in doing so I moved myself into the shade, so it looked less fishy. Less fishlike?
Speaking of fish, has anyone had the Salmon fish & chips at Rock Bottom? Go, right now and do so. You’re welcome. (note to me, see if more Ritalin will help)
By the time I got settled, another glass poured and talked into finishing the quesadilla, I sneak a look at the new couple. No food has arrived yet, she has a margarita, he’s drinking a Coors Light. She’s looking around the place, every now and then saying something to him.
He is TOTALLY focused on the TV above her head showing Brett Favre take a dump. Or something. She’ll say something, and he’ll give a quick answer without averting his eyes from the TV. Once, (this is how focused I was on these two, but I will say that I know how to be discreet, I’ve been doing this for years, plus I had the Very Dark Shades on) she was in the very midst of saying something to him when he grabbed his phone and started calling someone.
One phone call lasted ten minutes during which he was pointing at the TV (which I believe was showing Brett Favre part Lake Michigan), and practically yelling at his friend and laughing. I heard at least three distinct “no shit dude” and two “getthefuckouttahere!”.
He ends that phone call and their food came. He’s on probably his 4th Coors Light while she’s still sipping the first margarita. While he eats, he’s talking to her (at last!!), but it looks like he’s trying to explain something to her about what he’s watching on ESPN. Probably the video of Brett Favre’s butt-boil removal surgery right before the 2006 season.
Right about this time I notice what can only be described as a combination of hopelessness, hatred, boredom and that look that coyotes get when they’ve been trapped in the cage.
My second restroom trip. Shut up, you drink water, and margaritas for an hour or so and tell me you aren’t doing the same thing.
As I walk past, his back is to me, she’s sitting on the booth/seat facing where I walk past. I can’t help it. I give her the rolled eyes, and silently grin at her. You know, the debonair thing. She has to cover her mouth, look into her salad and try to not laugh.
I am SO cool.
Coming back from the restroom, I make a point of not even looking that way. Remember, discretion?
As soon as I sit down, I look up and there’s the little man trying his cute little bestest to give me the snake eye. Just staring. She’s oblivious, nibbling at her salad. I keep eye contact long enough to grin that “I may be a married old fart, but I can (A) still kick your ass, and (2) take that woman right out from under you if I felt like it” look. Finally, he looks away, and starts watching TV again. For the remainder of the 30 minutes or so before we left, I didn’t see more than a couple one-word conversations. I walked out, again intentionally not even glancing that way again. I figured she was disgusted enough, and he was doomed as far as a 2nd date enough that they didn’t need me butting in.
But I maintain, there was NO 2nd date, assuming that was the first.
