Once again, I have had a member of a couple juicily inform me that they have an open relationship.
I never know what to say when people tell me this. I won’t say it happens often, but it’s often enough. At least I no longer break into hysterical laughter when asked “Are you a swinger?”
Apparently my wife and I give off some pheromonal vibe that indicates we’re willing to mess around, but the reality is we’ve been monogamous for our entire 16 year relationship (nearly half my life, in fact), and really don’t have eyes, or hands, or orifices for any other people.
It’s not like we’re even trying to flirt anymore. This morning’s announcement came during a late lunch with friends – our daughters were playing together in the next room, fer crissake! I’m sure anything can be sexy, but I was looking for a place to put the fruit salad…
When you get right down to it, yes, you are attractive in a Reubenesque way, but really I’d like to have more sex with my wife. We’ve barely touched each other conceiving our last miscarriage (which came to a sad end this week, unfortunately for us) because we’ve both been working too damn hard. How the heck would I squeeze in side trips to your love palace?
Perhaps I’m misinterpreting things though. While in the past people have been fairly explicit in their request, maybe today’s woman was just bragging? Or giving us a warning about what to expect at an upcoming party? Who knows…
There you go. Mindless, pointless, and must be shared. Your thoughts?
“Mmm. What are you doing?”
“Oh nothing, just placing a fruit salad.”
“O-o-ohh…reaaally? shiver …Oh baby say it slow, say it slow.”
“Fruuuiiit. Salaaaad…~~”
I bet you made that fruit salad look very, very delicious.
In any case, I have no idea, but maybe she was just…saying it? Then again it also matters how she said it. Tone and the like. Maybe if she gave a look along with it? The kind that says, “Oh baby I want to ride those ripe honeydew melons in your pants”.
And I’m sorry to hear about the miscarriage… I also think that at this time would definitely not be the moment to drop such ‘hints’ if she knew about it. If she did, shame on her.
Remediation: immediately head to your local Taco Bell or Haagen-Dazs and pig out on a regular basis. Gain 30-50 lbs. and you’ll stop getting these types of situations!
Note to self: If ever in his neighborhood, hang out with Barbarian and take the bullet for him and the missus when approached by Open-Relationship couples looking to swing…
Oh, and what Maui Lion said at the end – I’m sure hoping they did not know, as otherwise it would be beyond crass to bring this up.
I’m apparently look young and single enough, that girls start playing games with me. They don’t ask if I’m married or not. Then they find out I have a baby on the way and all I can think is, “Some very simple research would have avoided what must now make you feel quite awkward around me.”
We’ve got friends that are reputedly into “swapping”, but in spite of several opportunities to do so, they’ve never propositioned us. I find that comforting, instead of insulting, for some reason. To me, it means it’s obvious to them that we’re too into each other to have any interest in anyone else.
Oh good lord I missed the miscarriage part. I am very sorry. I’m hyper scared right now because we are very at risk. I would not dare let my wife know that I am this scared, but auto-immune issues are not good for the growth of foreign bodies in any system.
Some people just give off lots of sexual energy. I have a friend who gets mistaken for a slut, but she’s only been with one man, her husband for the last 11 years, she swears by it too. Some people are just like that. Also, sometimes overly friendly people get mistaken for the promiscuous type too.
I too think it must be a vibe you’re giving off, Barbarian. People complain about weirdos bothering them and stuff, and I never have that problem - I think I give off an “anti-weirdo” vibe. You seem to be giving off a come-hither vibe. I don’t know if you can stop doing it, since you probably aren’t aware of doing it in the first place. Maybe try to cultivate less open-mindedness; throw around some “those peoples” and “they should be shots.”
I also think that at this time would definitely not be the moment to drop such ‘hints’ if she knew about it. If she did, shame on her.
