I don’t understand Shiva. So she’s keeping information away from Isis because she’s not a close enough friend…in hopes that when the inevitable happens and Isis finds out, Isis will want to be a closer friend? Or fall out of the picture completely because she’ll realize she’s been intentionally kept out of the loop? I’m confused about the point of this dramedy.
It would be one thing if she didn’t want to tell Isis personally. But forbidding others from telling is control freak craziness.
Seem to me if she wants to test the friendship, she’d let the secret be known and then wait for Isis’s response or lack thereof. If there are no personal well wishes from her, then she’d have a good reason to be pissed off. But getting mad at her for not being the one to knock on her door first is stupid. Friendships are a two-way street. Shiva can ring a doorbell too, if she cares to make one-on-one contact. (I’m assuming she hasn’t rung her doorbell, of course.) Maybe Isis doesn’t do group dynamics very well, but she’d be an awesome one-on-one pal.
I don’t know what advice to give because I don’t see how Shiva’s being a good friend to YOU. In my way of thinking, someone who doesn’t care how she’s affecting you doesn’t deserve to have her adolescent silliness catered to. But if you like her more than you like Isis, then don’t tell.
I am going to admit I’m super biased in this situation.. I was Isis, many years ago, minus the ‘not involved’ angle. I was very close friends with someone- very, very close, we got together twice a week, were in graduate classes together, worked together for a while, etc. I was quite attached to him; we shared everything. Or so I thought. I found out seven months into his wife’s pregnancy that they were expecting, and the only reason I found out was because our professor mentioned something about it in passing (which meant that a professor we both despised knew before I did). When I asked him why he hadn’t said something, he simply responded “I wanted to see where you’d hear it from first.” I never really got a good explanation- after all, if I’d happen to have been at his house when she came home from work, I would’ve found out easily (with her being seven months along). It HURT, more than I could ever express (and more than he would ever acknowledge), and was the end of our relationship. We never talked after that.
I wouldn’t be surprised if this cements Isis’ choice to not be involved, even marginally, with your group anymore. And Shiva is putting you and your other friends in a terrible position. If it was three months, that’s one thing.. but this is silly.
Frankly, you sound inordinately butthurt that Isis isn’t really interested in being a part of the inner circle.
You are at an age where friendships become a little different than they’ve been in the past. At this age, many friendships change and friends drift in and out of prominence as they move around, manage their careers, and start to form their own families. People who are your besties can disappear off the map for years on end, while you strike up short intense friendships with random people you meet through work or other circumstances. Life becomes busy, and sometimes people are spreading themselves across many social groups- their family, their SO’s family, work friends, hobby friends, their SO’s friends, high school friends, college friends, grad school friends…sometimes you just can’t maintain the level of bonding that happens when a group is basically fully focused on each other.
At the same time, friendships at this age take on a timeless quality, where years can pass without hurting the friendship. Friendships stops being just about spending time together, and starts being about an emotional connection maintained across time and space. In a way, friends become more like family members. Some are closer and some are more distant, but the bond that holds you together isn’t really about who goes to what parties.
So stop giving Isis shit for not wanting to play high school reunion all the time. She still tries to see you. I’m sure she still wants to be a part of your lives. But she’s not one of the three musketeers right now.
I’d stay out of Shiva’s drama. If it comes up naturally with Isis, go ahead and tell her. Or don’t. It doesn’t really matter.
These “MYOB” posts are total bullshit. It is the OP’s business. He has some important information that he is being asked to withhold, for very stupid reasons. Isn’t this woman 5 or 6 months pregnant at this point? Passive aggressive doesnt begin to describe it.
OP, one of the two women is going to be pissed at you either way. Figure out which one.
The question in the OP was “What would you Dopers do in my position?” For some of us the only possible answer was “Mind [my] own business.” Why is that a problem for you?
How is this “very important information”? Will someone die if they don’t hear of the pregnancy? For one, it’s totally personal. You have no idea what reason she may have. Perhaps someone in her family has experienced a late miscarriage or stillbirth. For two, jesus christ it is no one’s business but the couple’s, ever!!!~!~ eleventy!
No one “deserves” or “earned” the “right” to be informed of a pregnancy at any time up until the point at which you are handed a baby to hold.
Oh, give me a break. It’s important information when a close friend is going to have a new baby. Plenty of important information isn’t a matter of life or death.
If its only her business, then she shouldn’t tell everyone and make them keep the secret.
No. A birth is public information, but it is never anyone else’s business what is going on in my uterus. Having lost a baby when I was far enough to know her sex, I am painfully aware that no one knows for sure if they are going to have a baby before it happens. “It’s very likely that I’m going to have a baby” is personal information that I can choose to share with some people and not others.
That doesn’t fly here. They’ve told everyone they know in person or on Facebook. At this point, they’re only keeping information from someone out of spite.
They are putting the OP and his friends in a very awkward position, one that could be very detrimental to one of his friendships. He has every right to make sure his friendship with Isis remains on good ground. It may piss of the pregnant woman, which is why he’s in a very bad spot.
You’ve said absolutely nothing so far that makes me think that Isis is UNpleasant. You’ve said a number of things that make me think that some of the rest of you are WAY too wound up about her, though.
Dude, people get busy. Especially in this age group, this is typically when careers pick up steam, romantic relationships solidify on their way to some form of permanence, and your new friends become as important to you as your old friends. Has she actually said any of the above, or are you projecting?
This is an exceptionally dramatic way of looking at it. Whoa. You might want to lighten up the vise-grip you’ve got on the past, there. You might hurt yourself.
Everyone in this thread has been saying it: relationships change when you grow up. You become different people, you have different experiences, like different things, and grow in different directions. Your friendships are no longer about the accidents of fate that put you all in the same grade school; they’re about connecting with people doing things that you are passionate enough about to seek them out. None of this is bad. It’s life, and you’re going to need to learn to accept this, because you can’t make it stop by virtue of the power of your will.
Isis hasn’t done a damn thing wrong here. You need to let it go, already.
Then you’ve already done your duty as a friend, and it’s up to him to succeed or fail. You’re not his therapist. His life is his responsibility – if he ever gets tired of being a man-child, he’ll change it. Until then, you’ll have to accept it because you can’t make him.
I’ll just make an “out loud” note of the pattern I’m noticing here: you seem really invested in meddling in your friends’ lives, when it’s not your business, not your responsibility, and ultimately nothing you can do anything about anyway. Work on changing your own behavior if you feel it’s needed, but you can’t change anyone else. If you mention it once or twice and are shot down, let it go, because harping on it is only going to piss you both off. You either have to accept these traits you don’t like as a part of who your friends are, or you need to move on if you can’t. You can’t change them.
FWIW, I can’t imagine being remotely upset at missing the news of a high school friend’s baby. I’ve missed life events just as big, and when I did find out, I was happy for them, not upset that they didn’t go out of their way to tell me. I’ve missed a divorce and remarriage, a coming out of the closet and marriage, religious conversions, and it wouldn’t surprise me if there’s a baby I’m currently unaware of. The only thing I seem to get wind of in a relatively timely fashion are funerals.
It would bother me that everyone else knew and that the information was intentionally kept from me, just for kicks. And not because I didn’t anything wrong, but because I wasn’t considered “inner circle” enough.
I guess as long as Isis doesn’t find out that she was excluded on purpose, then she’ll shrug it off and be fine. But I dunno. Drama queens like to stir shit. If Isis does act like it’s no big deal, will Shiva just shrug it off too? Or will she be unsatisfied and go out of her way to let Isis know how she truly feels? Don’t know any of these people, of course, but I have experienced the wrath of drama queens. They aren’t happy unless someone leaves the room crying.
Isis has no right to get mad at him for not telling her because it’s not his business to do so. The information is Shiva’s private business, not his, as you argued. (And Shiva only told a select group, not everyone she knows, as you claim. We don’t actually know if her husband had permission to post it on Facebook.) People tell friends about private matters and have the expectation that the information will not go public. Yes, Shiva is being childish. But why the hell would the OP want to insert himself in middle of this drama?
Pretty soon Shiva is going to be the one who has better things to do than hang out with you guys, and I imagine others will still follow suit.
Bullshit. It’s public information and she’s forcing her friends to not tell one specific person out if spite. He can tell whomever the hell he wants. He’ll either piss of one or the other. His choice.
This isn’t a pregnant woman deciding to keep her news private. It’s a group of people conspiring to keep one friend in the dark. He’s already in the middle of the drama.
That’s kind of the weird thing about this whole scenario. For a grown man to dial the level of busybody drama up to 11, and make it his mission that no friend on their way to becoming an acquaintance shall be unshunned re pregnancy announcements is odd. He has enough drama invested in this comedy of manners to fuel a nuclear device.
I never really got a good explanation- after all, if I’d happen to have been at his house when she came home from work, I would’ve found out easily (with her being seven months along). It HURT, more than I could ever express (and more than he would ever acknowledge), and was the end of our relationship. We never talked after that.