I don't know how much longer I can hang on...

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

{{{Amazon Floozy Goddess}}} I’m sure now, you’re going to be ok.

Here’s some food for thought. Could it be he got so upset, because he was having the same feelings, and felt guilty about having them?

Give him the space he’s asking for. He’ll come back when he’s ready.

I know this sounds corny, but when my husband and I were first dating, he was still looking around.
One night he told me that was all done, and I need never be suspiscious or jealous.
I told him not to worry, because, to me, love is a butterfly.
Open your hand. If it lands, it will stay as long as it wants to. Close your hand around it, no matter how gently, it will be damaged beyond repair. You have to trust love to stay.
Here’s hoping your butterfly returns tomorrow.

22

I hope this is quickly resolved and everything gets better. Good luck with everything and know you have friends here! HUG!

23

AFG- you are one of the sweetest Dopers here.
I’m so sorry you’re going through such a rough patch, you hold on and let your husband calm down.

It’s going to be OK, and everyone here will do whatever they can to MAKE it OK.

{{{Amazon Floozy Goddess}}}

24

So he says you are selfish because she is going through a really hard time and you are supposed to think only of her needs? Well now you are going through a really hard time, who is thinking of only YOUR needs ?

25

Heavens, woman, I toss friends out if they stay more than a week! Private time with your husband, and private time alone, are just as important as your friend’s needs. Remember that. It does not make everything better if you overstress yourself heavily for someone else.

Hugs from the Lissar household. Hang in there.

26

Sending you my best wishes thoughts and prayers, Amazon Floozy Goddess.

I’m sorry things are rough for you right now, I hope they get better and you find out what was up with your husband.

My email is in my profile, should you need it.

27

Hang in there. I’m at a loss for words, but I’m so sorry you’re having a tough time. Drop me an email if you need another Doper to talk to. We’re pulling for you. I know it’s hard, but try not to let someone else’s actions determine your self worth.

28

AFG --kind of hard find out that you think you’re on a merry go round, only to realize that it’s a tilt-a-whirl…

I hope tempers have cooled off. I think that there is something else going on and that H’s situation just acted as a catalyst.

You and your husband need to talk (look who’s giving advice! sorry, tangent).

I hope he comes home and you have the privacy you need to hash this out.

As to the needing of privacy–I would stick to my guns. Yes, H’s situation is bad–but that doesn’t negate YOUR needs…

29

Nothing specific to add except presence.

makes goofy rat face

30

Yes, his new job has been pretty stressful for him…he’s the shipper/receiver for a Michaels store. The only one. I’ve been by the store several times in the past to drop him off a lunch, and he’d have 3 huge skids waiting for him to receive. The one time he pointed out a skid to me that must have been piled 6 feet high with boxes, and said, “that’s all little packages of beads.” :eek: He has been more snappy since he’s started the job, so I think coming home and feeling he had to entertain H just put more stress on him.

I really really want to talk to him, but his mom told me he will give me a call “when he’s ready”. I really think it’s unfair for me to be kept in the dark about this. She said that we are “both adults and you need to work it out like adults”…so why is she sheltering him and not letting his own wife talk to him?? I still haven’t heard boo from him and it’s driving me crazy.

H is now staying with her brother, so at least I have some privacy back…too bad it couldn’t have been sooner.

31

Adults don’t storm off and hide with Mommy.

Let’s get some reality here. Someone’s acting like a spoiled brat, and it ain’t you, AFG.

He was stressed. Things were rough. Big whoop. You were too, and all you did was say so. You know, sumpin’ really radical like just talking? You didn’t drop a guilt nuke then run away.

What you do with mess is up to you. But nobody’s a victim without their consent.
My opinion? Your tempermental, wimpy husband is squarely in the wrong. And this conflict ain’t a matter of hollow pride. If he can’t or won’t weather problems at your side, you’re better off without him. Hit-and-run blaming you for life’s problems is wimpy. And self-indulgent and childlike. Tough but true.

You aren’t his mommy. Your his wife and life partner. If he can’t handle problems without attacking you with hit-and-run tactics, then good riddance to a loser. Better now than later, after years of slow, agonizing erosion.

Don’t you worry for one second about calling him. Maintain absolute silence and change the locks–now. If he wants to camp out in his mother’s or brother’s basement during his tantrum, that’s his choice. You do not need this garbage. You may be willing to settle for it, for whatever reasons. They’re not the same.

But either way, you’re making a choice, AFG. Make no mistake about it. It sucks, but important choices often do. You have to decide whether you really want to be a convenient emotional punching bag. Stress–and shit–happen. Adults deal with it. Willing victims carry the full load for those who won’t.

I’d change the locks, pack up his crap, dump it off on his Mommy’s porch and let him contemplate that stress.

This is emotional blackmail. It’s ugly–and undeserved–as hell, especially from a trusted partner in life. But if you don’t expect and demand better, nobody else will do it for you.

32

AFG, I hate to even think this, but…Do you think your husband might have something going on with H, or even just a fixation on her, even if he hasn’t acted on it?

I know that sounds awful, but it just seemed odd to me that he was the one who blew up when you suggested that H had overstayed her welcome; usually it’s the other way around.

At any rate, it does sound like you guys have something you really need to work out.

Thinking good thoughts…

33

I don’t think so. I’m pretty sure about that. I’ve never seen any flirting or anything; they don’t sit close together, etc. They’ve been friends for nearly 10 years. If something was going to happen, I think it would have by now. He’s assured me he’d never cheat on me and I’ve never had any suspicions or seen anything. She’s also a pretty trustworthy person.
I think he blew up because H and her husband T are very good friends to both of us, and Mr. AFG wants to maintain a friendship with both. That’s been pretty hard. I also think he’s afraid that if she left she would be alone again and might hurt herself. Also, she’s helped us out with things in the past and I think he feels he owes her.

On the chance that he was cheating…well. I’d dump him like a bag of rocks. No question.

Everyone I’ve talked to about it thinks he’s just overloaded by this whole thing and doesn’t know how to express his feelings properly. If that is the case (and I hope it is), I’ll do whatever it takes to work it out.

His mom called tonight to say that he wants to have a “meeting” on Tuesday night with me, himself, his mom and my mom. Why he wants us all there, I don’t know. But I really, really hope it’s not to dump me.

34

This is the worst he’s ever been. Nothing like this happened before or since we’ve been married, and we’ve been together for 5 years. Normally, he always is happy to see me, gives me hugs and kisses and cuddles, and tells me he loves me. Hell, on Thursday evening I met him at work and he gave me an affectionate kiss, and it was Friday night that he blew up. Sure, we’ve had fights before, and sure, he’s stormed off, but he always came back within a couple of hours and hugged me and we each said we were sorry. He’s never been like this before…that’s what worries me the most.
I just want him to be ok and want to be back together again.

35

Why the hell does his mom need to be there? What can he say with her there that he can’t tell you himself?

36

Hang in there. Lord, life is tough sometimes. Marriages have their storms and turmoils, but it’s scary as hell when they happen. I hope you talk to him before Tuesday.

Hang in there. Sending you very good vibes.

37

Amazon Floozy Goddess, I’m so sorry. It sounds like you have been treated badly and did not deserve it.

I’d noticed you before, from your posts - I like you. You are a pleasure to listen to, and you write well (so rare)!

Please, please don’t do anything to hurt yourself. That would be a profoundly sad outcome. I would be hurt, too, and no doubt a hundred others just here at SD.

I don’t know if your husband just blew up because of stress etc, or if he’s not good enough for you. Certainly what he did isn’t good enough. But there are many paths to a pleasant outcome, with him or without him. You are likeable enough when you’re only a stranger on the Internet - I think to myself that you’d be all the more so in person.

I hope you might write to me at napier@direcway.com. There are a zillion things you can do that are better than hurting or killing yourself, and writing to me is certainly one of them. Plus, it’s a much easier bell to unring.

38

AFG, I’m so sorry that this is happening to you. Count me as one of the many members of your fan club! I always look forward to reading your posts.

Although (without knowing him better) I wouldn’t quite be as harsh in denouncing him as TVeblen is in post #31, your husband has definitely got some 'splaining to do.

Yes, but he’s now left you alone and in danger of hurting yourself, and he owes you a heck of a lot more than he owes her.

He also owes you the simple courtesy of talking to you himself, not through his mother. Mediation should only take place if it has been shown that the two principals are unable to talk it through on their own, and he clearly hasn’t made any effort here.

[my 2 cents]
Call him back and tell him (or, presumably, his mother if he won’t come to the phone) that you’ll meet him Tuesday for a one-on-one. If he insists that the Moms should be present (i.e. if he is going to drop a bomb and fears for what you might do), agree that they can sit in their cars while you talk inside as a couple. Alternatively, meet at a casual restaurant with separate tables, but start out with just you and him. That way, if what you perceive to be the worst-case scenario happens, your Mom will be there if you need her.
[/my 2 cents]

I’d like to think that he has many admirable qualities (or he wouldn’t have won the heart of our dear AFG), but he needs to start showing them to his wife, now! This is between you and him.

Best of luck, {{{{{AFG}}}}}, from the Doper that you know better as Bacon Slut. Oink!

[P.S. I’m a hetero male who has seen your SDMB photo, and you’re definitely cute so there!]

39

Sorry about your difficulties. I didn’t see in your post anywhere that before you told your friend to come over and stay as long as she needed that you and your husband talked it over and both agreed that was the thing to do.

40

Armchair Quarterback Diagnosis Courtesy of Shirley By UtterBullshit Productions.

I am assuming that you and your husband agreed to allow your friend to come over for this extended time. If so, he needed to suck it all up and take one for the team. Yeah, there is a lack of privacy, but I’m pretty sure both of you knew that going into this game. Also, just a thought, couldn’t you two have private time at bedtime. Pillow Talk? Or in the bathroom or something?

Also, you say your friend has a history of depression and hurting herself. Is she getting any help or taking any meds? Yes, she is going through a difficult time, but no one, and I mean no one needs to be entertained all the time. If they cannot handle a few hours of alone time and instantly find themselves depressive or brooding…well, hell…welcome to the club. Life can be a multitude of suckiness at times. Life is also the best popper of the little dreams of What We Think Should Happen * by giving us a metric buttload of * What Really Does Happen. Reality can suck, but if you can handle the waves …[keanu]whoa, what a rush![/keanu] If it is that bad, help needs to be had and pronto!

If there is a fear of her hurting herself what the hell kind of pressure is that for you to deal with? You are a great friend. Do her parents or siblings know about this? If her parents are aware of her behavior and skedaddled, well, holy shit, that is just awful. However, maybe your friend is co-dependant and is use to sucking the life out of those around her and the parents are not putting up with it anymore. Is this a constant pattern in her life? Dunno. that is your call.

No human needs that kind of baby sitting if they were mentally stable. Yeah, she is going through a rough time, but to be honest, the turbulence of a marriage or the end of a marriage is not the end of the world. (GASP!) Just the seemingly end of their own private little bubble of contentment. Y’know the Happily Ever After Shit that doesn’t exist. If it is true love ( truw wuv), it will endure and truw wuv is not all about being happy and everything perfect all the time. Its about swallowing some pride, admitting you are wrong or saying, " Hey, I’m in over my head here…and not comfortable with this…give me time to adjust." or we need to work together on this, not against each other…blah blah…lather, rinse, repeat. it never goes away…you just have to learn to deal with it or let it go.
Running home and hiding behind his mother’s skirts is a sign of immaturity. However, being a mama’s boy isn’t a crime. It isn’t necessarily a Hideously Bad Thing either. Mama’s Boys tend to treat their wives better in the long run and are faithful, non abusive types. They probably are a little more sullen.It sucks at times, but it beats Testosterone Sexist Man-Child Husband you could have chosen.) He hasn’t complete grown up yet and you cannot ask him to chose between you and mama. He will pick mama. The problem is Mama. She needs to tell her son that she won’t be the messenger and if she is adult enough and grown up enough, she’ll grasp this concept and give Mr. AFG the message and butt out. If he is using a neutral 3rd party to relay messages, that is a sign of cowardice. Real adults take it face on, over a barrel and up the ass. It is character building, to say the least.

Running like that at the first disagreement is a sign of immaturity. Real people with cojones stick it out or deal with the issues when the cool down. Asking for a divorce like that is just infantile. It is a horrible weapon that will cause severe reprocussions in the long run making you fearful to ever state your opinion on something lest it upsets him to the point of him leaving. It is mental landmine planted in your head for the rest of the relationship, the bastard. It is very awful and petulant that he did this. Have his testicles dropped yet?

We Ujests, like to rely on the wonders of the cell phone for that kind of communication. Neutral Territory so that he can’t see me rolling my eyes until the optical nerve snaps when he politely and gently prods the sore territory that I don’t ever want to deal with againdammit and I can’t see him grasping the steering wheel until it nearly shatters at whatever dumbass curt reply I gave him. (He is a diplomat. I am a Navy Seal/SAS/Commando.) I could learn alot from him if I wasn’t so thickheaded. The $40 a month for my phone his is a company phone is cheaper than therapy!

Anyways…blah blah blah

Take care of yourself first and count me as an Amazon Floozy Goddess Fan!
Good luck and keep us posted.