AFG, all my love and best wishes too. Feel free to e-mail me anytime at elenia25@gmail.com.
He wants the meeting to involve his MOM?
:eek:
His MOM?!
Oh, man.
By the way, AFG, I never really looked at the username anagram drawings thread before it was linked here, so I didn’t fully appreciate your awesomeness until recently. I am sorry.
– [del]flab bee[/del]elfbabe
I don’t quite know what to say about this, either, especially since not too long ago I derided a family member (not to their face) for doing exactly this: getting mad at his wife and running home to Mommy.
Of course, they’ve only been married a year! It’s early yet. AFG & husband have been married a lot longer, I think.
We’ve actually been married just over a year, but we were dating for 4 years previously.
I did forget to mention that yes, we did both agree on having her stay. We insisted to her that she stay, actually.
I hope that the reason for having the moms there is for advice on what we can do as a couple to work out the problems, not as a muffler for dumping me.
Despite what he’s done, he is normally a funny, kind, affectionate person and I will do whatever it takes to get him back. I’m not religious but I’m praying he doesn’t dump me. Yes, I’m angry and I know what he did is really unfair to me, but I want to put the anger aside and try to find out what the heart of the problem is.
I’m confused as to why his mother and your mother need to be there for a discussion about the fate of your marriage? I don’t know AFG, that’s a little odd to me-it’s your marriage and your husband’s marriage. I’ve always felt that at the point that you actually marry someone your parents are beyond chaperoning your interaction.
I just want to say one thing that struck me from your OP-don’t stay with someone b/c you don’t want to be alone and you think you can’t get anyone else. That’s a bad, bad, reason and speaks volumes about how you view yourself. If you want him back it should be for him-not b/c of how you feel about yourself. And honestly, I remember your posts about how your husband makes you feel as though he is ambivalent about his attraction to you and whatnot. Tread carefully-you seem like a lovely person and deserve better than what is being dished out to you right now.
Dumping all his stuff at his mothers and changing the locks will totally give him the wrong impression.
Hold still, and let him know that when he is ready to come back and behave rationaly, you’ll be there to talk with him and help sort it out.
Rushing into some point scoring exercise won’t benefit anybody.
Hi, AFG, there’s no way I’m qualified to give any sort of advice on this matter, I just wanted to say that I’m thinking of you and I hope things work out for the best. {{{AFG}}}
Ditto that. The only part of this situation I have any experience with is houseguests overstaying their welcome, and feeling bad about asking them to leave. That, you handled beautifully.
But everything else is way out of my league. Just wanted to chime in as one of the people who’s thinking about you and hoping for the best.
AFG, whatever else happens, I strongly encourage you to see a counsellor about your self-esteem issues. You are a good, normal human being, and you deserve the best in life, not what you’re willing to settle for, but it doesn’t sound like you believe it. Your husband leaving or staying doesn’t decide how much your life is worth, but it sounds like you feel that way right now, because you don’t think very much of yourself.
And your friend, H, should be in therapy too, if she’s suicidal. It’s not your responsibility to keep her alive; that’s way too heavy a burden for anyone to carry, no matter how good a friend she is.
By the way, if the worst happens and your husband does leave you, I think you’ll be surprised at how strong you really are. Sometimes strength is just taking one breath, then taking another.
I hope everything works out too. Really.
We’ve all been down similar roads.
One point to ponder; (or maybe several)
If you’re even the least bit concerned that he may be dumping you at this meeting on Tuesday, there must be other underlying issues in your relationship.
No self respecting individual would carry on to this extreme over such a seemingly innocuous event. There has to be something else going on that either you aren’t telling us or something else is going on with him that he isn’t telling you. Nobody blows up like this over something so piddly, unless…
I don’t know the unless part. But I suspect you’ll hear about it on Tuesday. Strange, it is.
I too thought he was possibly seeing H, but you seem sure he’s not. Never know though. Why else would he blow up?
Best wishes for a full recovery.
Hey AFG, our thoughts are with you as well. If there is anything that a geographically close (Guelph) doper can do to help, let me know.
I don’t post very often but I do read the boards daily, and I have to tell you AFG, that you are one of the posters I really enjoy reading. You’ve come across as witty, thoughtful, funny and genuinely kind. I am so sorry you are going through this right now–you don’t deserve it. I just want to echo others on this thread and say you haven’t in any way acted selfish or unkind. Every single thing you’ve written indicates that you acted with your friend’s best interest at heart. It wasn’t out of line in any way shape or form to express a need for time alone. I obviously don’t know your husband but if you love him so much then he must have some really wonderful, beautfiul qualities. Having said that, it also sounds like he has some issues of his own that he needs to work out. I know it’s tempting to take responsibility and blame, especially now when you feel kind of lost and alone–but please don’t make the mistake of thinking you are less than amazing just because of this situation. I wish you the very best and please let us know how everything turns out. I know you don’t know me from Adam but I really do care.
I have to agree with this - a normal marriage doesn’t include yelling “Divorce!” at the drop of a hat. I don’t mean to scare you or anything - maybe he’s just having trouble adjusting to the idea of a lifetime commitment, and it’s freaking him. He does have a responsibility to discuss this with you, though, if he’s having some kind of issue.
Another thing I’ve thought of; you need to get straight in your head what you want out of your talk with him on Tuesday. His behaviour was not acceptable; he needs to know that you will (guaran-damned-teed) have hiccups in your marriage, and you need to know that you can discuss things with him without him bailing on you. Is he in or out?
My true initiation into the SDMB came in a thread I started about my marital woes. I have never received such an outpouring of good thoughts, wicked humor, and sound advice. Many, many, many things have occurred in the past 8 or 9 months and I have no trouble giving the following advice myself. Take each day as it comes and don’t expect every discussion to be the end all, be all of your marriage. If he wants out, let him go, even if he gives you clues that he isn’t sure of his actions. Make sure YOU are taken care of. Reach out to your friends. It is NOT an imposition. You will need them and you will discover just how wonderful some of them are. Noone can decide for you what you should do next in your relationship; it is your call alone to make. Cry if you need to, but as the saying goes, “This too shall pass.” I never thought looking back that I would be as happy and content as I am today. I know all the clichés I’ve thrown your way don’t really amount to much, but I have been there and it does get better. If your email address is in your profile I could contact you if you would like.
I have to say that my first thought upon reading the OP and the description of the husband’s response was “he’s in love with H.” But upon further consideration, I’m probably way off base. My WAG: Your husband identifies closely with H and T, and the fact that they’re getting divorced is weirding him out about your relationship and thoughts of impermanence, etc. He’s been keeping it all under wraps and it just all came out wrong in a burst of pain.
However, I seriously don’t get the “wants your mothers to be there for the talk” thing. Maybe he’s really too attached to his mom - the fact that she’s running interference for him suggests there’s a chance of that - maybe he’s still kind of young and immature, I don’t know.
Needless to say, it sounds like some counseling, probably for both of you, is a good idea.
I have no advice for you- sorry.
Just hugs.
{{{{{Amazon Floozy Goddess}}}}}
This sums up my feelings exactly. Right after I got married, I freaked out by the “lifetime commitment” thing. I didn’t take off, but I wanted more freedom than what I had in the previous 4 years. But after my DH gave me a longer leash, I realized that I didn’t need it and was just having trouble adjusting. I reigned myself in, apologized, then spent every moment I could making it up to him. He didn’t serve the hell I put him through because of my insecurities, not that I did anything bad or over the line, I just wanted to hang out with my friends more after the stress of the wedding and family arguments.
Don’t worry though, he will be back. Although I strongly caution you on the “mommy talk”, that doesn’t sound good to me at all. But like it says above, he could be freaked out that another marriage that he thought was as sound or more so than what he considers yours (not that he does BTW) could crumble so easily, yours could too. He could be playing the “jump ship” game right now because he doesn’t want to get hurt down the road.
The only thing I can suggest is try to talk to him. If his mother won’t let you, tell her this is YOUR marriage, you are his family FIRST before her, and that you want to handle this on your own. If she doesn’t like it, go along for the meeting, prep your mother to stick up for you if it turns out to be a pile-on . . . that’s what she’s there for. Tell the truth, and whatever happens, happens. You can’t make someone love you if they don’t want to.
If he leaves you, count your blessings. I too have read enough of your posts to know you are a kind soul and a beautiful woman who deserves to be treated like a queen. If he can’t do that, you need to realize that he just isn’t the man for you. Please don’t stay in a relationship because you are afraid of being alone or think that no one else will want you. That’s NOT TRUE!!! Being alone is better than putting up with abuse, mental/emotional or physical. Sometimes I think physical abuse is less hurtful than emotional, from my experience. Eventually you will hate yourself.
But overall, I think he’s just going through a lot and will come grovelling at your pretty feet in no time! Just give it right back to him and DON’T TAKE THE BLAME FOR THIS. You have done nothing wrong, you were merely looking out for your husband’s well-being and the happiness of your marriage. If he doesn’t realize this, then he’s not ready for you.
Remember: you do deserve happiness and all the love in the world, with him or without him. You’re a strong woman, stand up for yourself and your marriage. Whatever happens, you will win in the end. I promise you that.
Take care and you’ll be in my thoughts.
{{{HUGS & ICE CREAM}}}
AFG, please email me. It’s in my profile.
Adam
No, no, NO! She deserves to be treated like the Goddess she is.
I hope we haven’t killed her with our good vibes.
