All the good thoughts are very much appreciated. When I feel really depressed I come read it…it helps.
I think PinkMarabou and Ferret Herder are pretty much bang on in their guesses. H and T were one of those couples who seemed perfect for each other. They’ve been married for about 3 years but together for over 10. The announcement of the breakup was definitely a shock to both of us, and after it happened Mr. AFG’s demeanor changed considerably; he seemed kind of cold and emotionless, very uncharacteristic of him, and his temper was set off very easily. The tiniest problem became a huge deal. I even found myself feeling depressed. Mr. AFG has known H for about 10 years and T for close to 15, so I can totally see him being depressed and/or scared about it. Now that I think about it, if the problem was with me, why would he bring up their divorce - “If H can get rid of T, then I can get rid of you!” Were his exact words.
I’ve wondered why he wants the moms there, too - maybe to help keep things from turning into a yelling match, or maybe for advice in how to get help…I’m not sure.
Izzybella is right in the guess that he has some very good qualities…he’s the only person I know who is fun to be with, no matter what we’re doing, even if it’s laundry or dishes. We can talk about anything and everything, and moments of silence are never uncomfortable. He has a very cute sense of humor and he treats my pets in an adorable way, greeting my rats with a cry of “Oh, hi girls!!” And giving them nicknames; he calls Bettina, who had 8 babies, “Mama”; Cookie is “Cookie Monster” and Lola, the fat white rat, is “Hot Dog Bun” and “Bean Bag”. He always has a hug for me when I need it. There’s a lot to love, a lot that’s worth holding onto.
Well, but you’re not going along with it, are you? I can’t see anything good coming from in-laws being at such a meeting. They are sure to take sides, and with two people already upset about your relationship, I don’t see why the number has to increase to four.
If you really think you need a mediator, go to a trained professional. But your moms do not need to know how you resolve this, any more than they need to know how sausage is made.
Well, the meeting plan has already been made…One thing I do know is that his mom doesn’t want to see us split up. If my only chance at meeting with him is with our moms there, I’ll take it. I haven’t seen or talked to him in 3 days and I know that doesn’t seem like a long time, but it’s been overwhelmingly painful for me. The fact that he has made himself completely unreachable only makes things worse.
This is probably a ridiculous thought, but is it possible that hubby is staging an “intervention”? In case you don’t know what I’m talking about, it’s when some people who unquestionably care about a person get together to confront that person about what they perceive to be his/her self-destructive behavior, in the hopes of getting him/her to get help.
That may be a crazy idea, but it came to mind when you said that hubby was insisting on the moms being there.
Assuming that you are not all hugged out {{{AFG}}}
If you don’t already have enough people to talk to, feel free to drop me an e mail, addy is in my profile.
Lots of people here consider you a friend. We enjoy and look forward to your posts.
Take care, and don’t forget you are a goddess.
AFG, why not try writing him a letter, outlining your feelings… let him know how you recognize now, how much stress all of you were under and how that emotional tension caused an overload for both of you… emphasize how much you still love, support and care for him and how much you still need him in your life. Maybe you can find a marriage counselor and suggest to your husband that both of you meet with this person to talk about what you’ve been through and how you can both get through a successful reconciliation.
Don’t give up! Even if it means you taking the bull by the horns, so to speak… use that energy to empower your emotional strength, it’s for a good cause!
AFG, I actually signed up for a guest membership after viewing this post. I’ve been reading this site for about a year, and you’ve always had the best columns (I especially loved your anagrams!!) and you are such a sweet, caring, intelligent person that I’m sure this is just a bump in the road of life. Whatever happens, please know how much you are appreciated. hugs
Having the mothers at the “meeting” is a bizarre move and a catastrophe waiting to happen.
Amazon, your hubby’s behaviour is… well, kind of weird. What took place in your marriage BEFORE the H and T issue? Any issues, however small?
I hope this works out. Something about it sounds really funny to me, though. I can’t help but think we’re missing something here that’s got your hubby in a weird state.
I felt that way, too - like I’m missing something. The “moms” being there worries me, too. AFG, I’m worried about you. Please let us know how the meeting goes, even if it’s not good news. You have friends here that care about you.
Well, as I guessed before, I’m hoping he’s intending for the moms to offer advice to help our relationship, as they’ve both been married for 25+ years. That, I don’t have a problem with. If taking of sides or arguments start though, I’m going to demand that they step out because it’s our marriage.
I totally agree that his behaviour is weird. He’s never done this before and it really concerns me. We’ve had arguments in the past where he left in a huff, but he just went for a walk to cool off and then came back and we kissed and made up.
We’ve had some issues before; he’s on medication for depression that compromised his libido, so I was a bit frustrated for awhile that I was getting very little from him in that respect, but I was never mean to him for it. We squabbled about the usual stuff that couples do; money, chores, etc. Nothing ever excessive.
As I mentioned, his new job is very demanding. I’m assuming a lot of people here have been in a Michaels store at least once? It’s a big place. And he’s the full-time shipper/receiver there. A huge job - I wouldn’t want it. He’s only been there a month so far, and he’s still got a lot to learn. I know the pressure has made him more short-tempered, and I think the thing with H and T didn’t help.
AFG another one of your many admirers and groupies chiming in to wish you the best. Since getting back together with your husband seems to be what you want, I’m hoping that’s what happens.
If that turns out not to be the case, don’t forget you have a very supportive and caring online community here.
A Swamp Reb
I just want to chime in and add my support. Even before I was graced with my very cool anagram cartoon, I recognized ya AFG and thought you were cool. Here’s hoping everything works out. Relationship stress is so tough.
AFG, I’ve seen your picture - and you are positively stunning. How you could see yourself otherwise is beyond my power of comprehension.
Furthermore, I realize you don’t know me from Adam, but you are one of a handful of Dopers whose names are synonymous with the SDMB in my mind. As others have said, your intelligence and, well, goodness just shine through.
That doesn’t fix your marriage; I just hate to see low self-esteem piled on top of your other troubles. You’re a great person with many wonderful qualities, and I really think you should take ownership of that - it will see you through anything happening externally.
I don’t think we’ve ever interacted before, but I just need to say that I feel like this meeting is going to end pretty badly for you.
I think he’s going to tell you that he seriously does want a divorce. It seems to me that both of your mom’s are there to cushion the blow a little bit and to stop you from making a big scene.
If the stresses on your relationship are his new job and H being around, why would his response to your question be “if H can get rid of T, then I can get rid of you”? There is alot more here that you’re not telling us - that’s fine, we don’t need to know everything about your marriage. But you need to prepare yourself to hear this from him.
Yyyyyeah…but your dad is not Mr. Amazon. Your FIL is not Mr. Amazon. Every relationship is different, and what worked for those couples may not be what’s best for you. Also, how well do these two women get along? I hate to think of the possibility of one of them going into mother-bear mode because her son/daughter is being picked on.
Well, I hope you can pull that off. IME, it’s damn near impossible to get a train back on the rails.
And really, if you think you’ll be discussing stuff like :
AMG, I’m sorry to hear about this happening. I’m hoping that this is just stress and being newlywed, but I don’t like how your husband handled it at all.
One thing I learned from my first marriage is that the mark of a good marriage is not how happy you are when times are good. It’s how you (both) handle the bad times - handle them well and your marriage will stay strong.
Your husband didn’t handle this well, and it does sound like there’s a pattern there of running away from problems. When you get back together, I recommend that y’all see a therapist about healthy ways to deal with disagreements.
Even if you don’t do that, set a ground rule that neither of you mention divorce during an argument. It’s destructive to the relationship, and makes it harder to get back to a happy one.
I recommend a book to anyone who is having relationship problems: From Co-dependency to Co-recovery by J. Richard Cookerly. The title sucks - it’s not about co-depency at all, it’s how to grow or re-grow a good relationship. And it’s based on solid research, not on someone’s flavor of the week theory.
Good luck and I hope that the outcome tonight is the very best outcome for both you and your husband.
He always has a hug for me when I need it. There’s a lot to love, a lot that’s worth holding onto.
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