Yup. AFG, how are you doing?
Hey! I’m ok. Hanging in there. Thanks. 
We’ve been meeting once a week after work, just to talk about our day/week/whatever. He seems to make it clear that he wants to see me, he just can’t handle a relationship scenario in the state he’s in right now.
He said that if he’s still feeling that way in a couple months, he’ll probably break things off completely. I hope he gets some help for himself. I tried so much to help him, but I just can’t seem to reach him. There’s only so much I can do - getting better is ultimately up to him.
So far though, I’m just taking it day by day. I still get that creeping loneliness, but I try to distract myself as much as I can.
Thanks again for checking up on me, I appreciate it.
I’m very sorry, I hope he comes back soon. I have a feeling it was all just “too much”. But I have been through a bad (I didn’t want it) break up myself and am only now somewhat recovered, I know it’s hard.
Kinda wanted to give and update and write some feelings out.
Well, it’s been about 4 months after the fact, and no change. He’s still away and can’t seem to make up his mind about what he wants to do. We meet once a week for coffee and talk, but things haven’t progressed beyond that.
In that time, I’ve been doing a lot of soul-searching and gone through a lot of changes and now I feel like I’m at a difficult crossroads.
Part of me still loves him and wants to be with him. We do make a good couple, and he has always had a knack for making me laugh and shares my sense of humor. He also treats my pets with love, which I much appreciate. He’s been helping me with rent money even though he’s not living with me. He’s a good, caring person and this is why I married him.
Another part of me feels that being with him is holding me back from reaching my full potential as who I was meant to be. In my time alone I’ve learned to care about myself, something which I never did before. He’s got past hurts having to do with his family that he doesn’t care to work out, and I feel that in some ways he’s very emotionally immature. Although loving, he seems to be needed to be cared for and doesn’t have much independence. His mother enforces this, which doesn’t help.
Also, if we were to split up, I would feel very guilty. My dad helped pay for the wedding by giving us a savings bond he’s literally worked his entire career - over 30 years - for. A lot of my dad’s sweat and tears went into that money that provided a large part of our wedding, and he deserved that cash far more than I did. To have it ultimately have been for nothing…I’d feel like I disgraced my dad and myself. Dealing with that would be much harder than losing my husband.
I don’t know what to do. 
I’m not saying you shouldn’t continue working on the marriage if you think there’s hope, but do you really think your dad would want you to stay in a marriage that isn’t working because of the money?
Oh, of course not. I’d just feel horribly guilty for having wasted the money he worked so hard for, just to give to me.
I agree – I’d take the gesture as being his way of trying to express how much he wants you to be happy, and if you’re happier out of the relationship, that would be what he would want you to do.
Don’t know you or your father, of course – but …
AFG --I just read this whole thing today. Hope you are well. I have a few thoughts I’d like to share (but feel free to tell me to eff off, if needed).
Is hubby getting any type of counselling/therapy besides meds? Are you? Have you considered getting counselling as a couple?
From where I sit–this shouldn’t be happening. He essentially is NOT acting as your husband, a role with definite responsibilities and demands, and you are not really a wife, either. Noone really ever knows a marriage except the two people involved, but I have real reservations about the length of time it is taking him to come back into the marriage and deal. This is not fair to you (or him, longterm).
I would be reassured to find out that he is undergoing some therapy, but I didn’t see a mention of that. Going back to Mom is no answer for an adult. If he is that unstable or fragile, he needs weekly counselling sessions, at a minimum.
I am so sorry–I don’t want to inflict more pain. I think it would be best if you got some counselling and started prepping yourself for a life without him. I can’t see dangling on a line for what? another month, 4 months, a year? To what end?
Wishing you the best.
If I could weigh in…
Your dad gave you the wedding money as a gift because he loves you, not because he was investing in a long-term future with some expected return. The fact that he cares about you so much should not be sullied by your husband’s insecurities- and you don’t have an obligation to anyone but yourself, ultimately.
Your husband is not getting any therapy, or working to resolve the problem and get back to you? How long does he expect you to wait, putting your life on hold? IMHO life is too short to wait for someone who doesn’t seem like they’re doing anything to help the situation.
What happens if he gets depressed again? You KNOW it will happen again without treatment. Are you going to spend long periods of your life waiting for him to return, getting no help with the problems couples normally face and overcome, big and small?
I’m not advocating a total breakup. You should make it clear that you will wait for a finite time, then you will move on- with or without him. Give him a chance, but don’t pine away for years at what might have been.
Your dad gave you that money to make you happy. If you decide that staying with your husband is going to make you unhappy, but you stay with him anyway, aren’t you wasting the money just as much as if you got a divorce?
Oh, I’ve been getting a lot of counselling. He has too. He seems calmer and looks like he’s taking better care of himself, but he doesn’t seem to want to progress beyond that.
When this first happened I insisted on marriage counselling - I even looked up places and made calls to arrange something - but he absolutely refuses. He claims marriage counselling “doesn’t work”, even though he’s never tried it. And his mom actuallyagrees with him (but she’s been married and divorced 4 times, so what’s that tell ya? :dubious: )! Definitely can’t say I didn’t try. The fact that his mother coddles him is not helping things. The guy is 36 for Christ’s sake.
I agree that I don’t deserve to be left hanging without an answer - I have as much say in this relationship as he does. I think soon I’m going to have a talk with him and see if he really sees himself improving. It doesn’t look to me like he really wants to make any real changes to better himself.
IMO, Mama is making this a whole lot harder for hubby. Divorced 4 times? Huh-I would run far and fast from any marital advice she may have…
I wonder if she isn’t undermining his progress in some way. Not to put the onus on her, but he may be too well cocooned over there.
Keep your feet firmly planted on the ground. And you keep going to counselling.
I don’t like his take on marital counselling–however will things improve if you don’t work on them together?
Thanks for the update, AFG. I’ve been wondering how you’re doing, but I didn’t want to be nosey. I don’t think I should be giving anyone relationship advice, but I do want to let you know that I’m thinking of you and I’m sorry you’re going through this. And if you ever want someone to listen, my e-mail’s in my profile. {{AFG}}
All I’ve got for you right now is a lot of hugs . . . and I’ll light a candle for you . . .
Damn, sweetie. Do you have a lot going on!
First, if your dad really loves you, he will want you to be happy. To find out you stayed in an unhappy marriage because of a savings bond will make him feel horrible. If it means that much to you, pay him back.
Second, the mister needs to quit being a mama’s boy. I do not see any hope for you until he does that.
Third, it seems that you have matured beyond your husband. It may be time to admit things are done and move on. You said it yourself:
Go have a long talk with your dad, cry on his shoulder, and get on with your life. If that means with your husband, fine. But if it doesn’t that’s fine too.
]Amazon Floozy Goddess, you might want to take a minute to go back and reread the post that Featherlou made four months ago. She could foresee the strength that you would develop from this situation. Stay in touch with that strength and don’t ever lose sight of it again.
Guilt serves no purpose. Let it go.
Bless you, dear friend. You are one of us.
Speaking as a father, I would be horrified if I thought I caged one of my girls with a gift. I would rather not give any gifts than do such a thing. I’m sure your father is the same. He gave you his money because he wanted to see you happy, not to make you unhappy. Honor his gift and do what is best for you.
I asked a friend who divorced what was the hardest part. He said owning up to failure with his parents. At the root, I suspect that might be your issue, more than guilt.
“What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.”
I’m glad you’re handling this so well, and finding inner strength you didn’t know was there.
I agree with you that his his living with Mama is probably not the healthiest thing for him, nor would I be listening to someone with her track record at marriage or marriage counseling. I’m suprised his counselor hasn’t suggested it.
{{{AFG}}}
hugs her hard, for a very long time
If you need someone to talk to or a shoulder to cry on, send me an email–we can meet up for coffee…